Memories and more...

Now that I am exactly a month away from completing 23 years of being alive, I've realized many things that need to be put down somewhere, for them to become memories that will last forever.
Well, there are some really good things about blogging, the best of the lot being that it is an easy way to forget things and move on... but the worst thing about putting down your thoughts is that they are gone from your heart. Precisely why I've been fearing blogging for a whole year now.
Well, to start with I met a guy who is the most beautifulest person of all. He is my best friend. He is a companion. He respects me, likes me and is always around, whether I'm jumping in joy or I'm sulking away about silly issues... I like him very much. He's probably the best human being I've met till day. Very selfless, very dignified, with some really simple thoughts about life and living. He's going away to Germany now, and then he's going to quit. I've had some really interesting and fun times with him, but sadly I know that once he's gone, it will become like one of those 'good-friend-gone-away-so-lost-touch' kinda thing... its sad how I move on so easily from people... I don't want that to happen, but eventually, it will.
'Eventually'. A word that has always scared me. Words can be scary sometimes, coz they are not just words scribbled on paper, they have power. They have the power of changing your life so much... Eventually, things happen. Eventually things are meant to happen, eventually things end, eventually feelings change, eventually people you like go away, eventually you move one... you see why the word eventually is so scary?
So why the word 'eventually' brought the world crashing down on me was because the 24th year of my life will start with just memories of some happy days I spent with another beautiful person I met in the 23rd year of my life... Well, this story will need some dramatization, coz that's what I'm known for...
Hmmm... so life is going still, I'm just out of a hugely publicized assumed link up... Sitting and smoking away on the steps of the old canteen and this man walks in, laughing, patting one of his friend and walking in with a scarily slender woman... He enters the canteen and I curse my luck. And a fact that all my friends know is that my heart melts when I see a Punjabi... Punjabi men have the hottest, coolest look, they can charm me by just walking past me and they won't even have to try further. They have this amazing calm on their face, that no other breed of human being can ever possess... hmmm now that's nice, isn't it?
So getting on with our story, he walked into the canteen and I cursed more than my fate, I cursed Neha for not going up to him and striking a conversation... I cursed Denzil, for not going up to him to ask for a match box - his answer 'but I have a lighter, why would I ask for a matchbox'. Somehow my feelings were less important than his ego of possessing a lighter. MEN.
Anyway so there was someone else, whom I don't quite remember and I pleaded him to go talk to the man with a hot black turban... he didn't go either. Damn! I cursed my luck some more and got up to make my way to the lift, but god had other plans. The black turbaned man, whom we'll call hottie from now on, walked up to the stairs assuming that our gang was going to leave and he can sit there with his friends, but little did he know that my heart was pounding so hard that if I moved from that step I feared that my heart would fall out. And the rest as they say is history...
Well ok not really, so he came he sat there, and then we had the first sane conversation of our lives, the conversation from my end consisted of me zooming in and out on his face... pondering over my long lasting conception of men with moustaches...
However that ended too soon. We all left. He left!!!
I got over my crush and moved on. Met Sudheep the next evening and some crazy urge hit me, which we will not discuss here.
The same evening I'm having a furious discussion with Denzil again in the basement this time, over how to not look desperate and still kiss someone. This is when Mr Hottie walks in. And voila! My heart does a summersault that caught me off guard. And Mr Denzil has to hasss to go on about our discussion, explaining the nuances of catching someone by surprize and landing a loud peck on their lips.
Hmph!
Anyway, men can't but give advices. So our man gets too engrossed in the discussion and starts giving me tips about doing the unthinkable. And well the excitement of talking to him was so gripping that I got involved in the conversation, imagining doing that to him right then and there. But well I am a dignified person am I not?
So well I was really hungry that night and everyone else had non-veg. He said he can bring me some food and I refused, just coz its damn weird, we'd just met and if I already started having demands it would be weirder. But little did any of us know that we'd have millions of occasions when my craving for butterscotch ice cream would drive him up the wall.
However he went home and I got back to feeling blah. But after a while he called and he said he has some pulao at home and guess what he got a box full of pulao for me... back from home, to the office. We then ate, I ate and stared at him for the longest time ever and then we went for cig and tea to residency road. Isla, Denzil, hottie and me.
Meeting ends.
Next day, I buy a guitar with Sudheep and lose all interest in him the instant I look at his face. I buy the guitar, have lunch with a whiny married friend and Sudheep joins in, I make a fool of myself trying to play 'nothing else matters' and 'chasing cars' on the guitar, right in the middle of Pascucci... and then I leave. I shop with Nivedita, where she shops for everything in the world, then I leave and meet Denzil. We go to coconut groove and deepali joins us. And that night things changed.
Well for now, a man who seemed just like a calm, composed and nice person became someone else. He became someone who could drive me crazy by just looking into my eyes.
Denzil and Deepali called him. He came. They told him. They put me through the most embarrassing moments of my life. I was so terrified to look at his face that i hid my face with my hair. Even today I remember that it seemed like my face and hair were both similar in color- RED.
So then we spoke, we dropped both of them and spent a little time together, where magic was created...
And the magic lasted for a long time. However, it got over too soon.
The magic that was spun around me was just... well... magical. I can't forget any of those moments.
The beautiful night sitting on the top of the world, close to him, where the stars were above us and the ground was below us... the long drives where we always ended up without fuel... that night when I sat in his car, acting dead, so that no drunk person tries to break in, while he ran around for fuel and he met a god sent angel, when he sat in the car outside the small coffee day on the way to airport hiding and I kept coming close to him to embarrass him, some fifty million times... again and again and again... and that night, remember... when Denzil and Deepali gave us our 'much deserved privacy', and the beauty of watching TV in the outside room when everyone else was sleeping... pretending to watch TV rather, and how we 'saw' that movie with a turned off monitor of the computer over and over and over again... I still don't remember the name of the movie :P, his urge to cook that someone manifested itself only when the clock strikes 2 am...
And oh that day when we ran out of petrol outside Urvashi and had to be rescued... I hated going home without hugging him... And the most dear memory of all, reaching my home and not wanting to go and so going back to 'drink some tea'... Damn i'll miss all of those days :( they are gone, gone forever... they'll stay with me forever, but they're gone...
I'm happy he came into my life, made me live an experience that I've never faced... the feeling of being loved, and yet although I'm happy that this happened to me, i'm still sad that this was all, there'll be no more such days, such moments, such beautiful memories... its over.
I already miss him. And sometimes I wonder, won't it be difficult to see him around, and not hug him..... it would. It would be killing. like someone stabbing you with a million daggers...
And walking with him holding his hand tight, so that the dogs in that dark lane don't chase me... Shit its sad. I hate living with this feeling. Only if I could bring back the magic for just ten mins, I could live the rest of my life with that feeling... the ten mins that I will have forever with me.
Does life always have to be a bitch?
Do you always have to let go of things close to your heart just because you have to?
I'm sad. for now. but I know in a few days it'll all be ok. I'll be back to being myself. this, would be forgotten. this would be forgotten too.
And isn't that sad, feelings are things that make you human. And yet, you like someone one day and then the next day something happens and u hate him... then something nice happens and you are back to loving the same person. And now although I like him, I've to pretend like i don't just so that i can move on...
And in a few days my feelings will die. Feelings are so frivolous... they come and they go... just like everything else in life.
If only we could just forget the world and live in the moment, we'd have more memories that would bring a smile to our faces when we are old, greying and don't have much to smile about...
Please come back :(

What he said

I know the path: it is straight and narrow. It is like the edge of a sword. I rejoice to walk on it. I weep when I slip. God’s word it: “He who strives never perishes.” I have implicit faith in that promise. Though therefore, from my weakness I fail a thousand times, I shall not lose faith.
MK Gandhi

“Even though we've changed and we're all finding our own place in the world, we all know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we'll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point where we're not all still friends.”

wanting hug :(

You'll be in my heart

Its not the first time that this thought has struck me, nor the first time I've spent hours thinking about it. But really, where will I be a couple of years from now? Like in 2011, what would I be doing. Would I still be in Bangalore? Would I still be trying to make it somewhere in life? Would I still be the same personally? The people around me, will they still be around? Would I stop feeling the same way about them, like I do now? Would they just go away like every other person? Would things change?
I wonder where all of us will be, lost, in our own world. Trying to make it big somewhere, trying to battle all the odds...
I had a good friend, there was a time I thought I couldn't do without talking to him atleast once a day, or having long conversations with him for hours till late in the night. There was so much that I wanted to do, to talk, I felt so much, but then one fine day it all went away and now we're on our own paths. Now I have another good friend. He's everything to me, I can't do without talking to him, without spending atleast ten minutes talking to him everyday, whatever happens, whether he's rude to me or good to me, sweet or completely lame, I just can't do without staring at me for minutes, looking at his face, looking at him eat, I might be in love with him, I might not, but then I wonder, I'm scared rather, will he go away too? Will my feelings just change one fine day, will it not remain like it is now, forever. And the sad part is before I stopped speaking to my old best friend, I never knew everything will just vanish, just go away without a trace. Sometimes I try to bring it back, it doesn't come, sometimes I wonder why it isn't working anymore, maybe I've really moved on. Funny, there were times I was trying to move on, trying to forget him and just move on in life and mysteriously it never happened. Now when I didn't want anything to change, it did. But anyway, will everything change with romeo as well? Won't I miss him? Won't I feel bad after its all gone. Damn it can't go, It WON'T go. I won't let it go. Damn these mental conversations!

As Bryan Adams hums 'Here I am' in the background, I'm reminded of the first day when I walked into this place. Yeah I know, I'm making it sound like its been forever, but then I have to write about this! Its a strange world, here. Everything is very different, everything is surely new but a weird new. There's so much happening, of course I've been introduced to a whole new world of electronic media. People tell me that this place teaches you all that you shouldn't do in any electronic media organisation, so basically its the don't do's of news channels that I'm supposed to learn here. However coming to the point, its been two months and a day that i've been here. I remember my first job at Deccan Herald where all I did all day was blog about my experiences, or the zilch of it. Anyway yea so lets not get too lost and quickly let me put down a few things that I should have put down long back, things that have impacted me the most about life in here...
ok lets do this in the bullet style:

GEMS OF WISDOM...
1. Do not trust people too easily. Basically take time to judge people, as much as I hate doing that I've learnt that it is an important thing to do...

2. You cannot be nice to everyone. Sometimes, just sometimes you need to learn to be harsh to people. to make your point clear and to put your foot down...

3. This one is something that my mother was always told be her mother, and obviously in one of her long lectures she passed this on to me. Being too nice to everybody in all circumstances, is NOT always the best way to deal with things.

4. Acting busy is ok. Sometimes when you have absolutely nothing to do in life, you tend to just relax, go for a smoke, put your head down and sleep, barge into the conference room and read newspapers - Remember NOT to do that. Behave just like everyone else does, act busy, even if you are facebooking, do it in style, with a serious expression on your face, with a stern face, even when deep inside you are laughing on your friends uber hilarious status message.

5. Make sure you get things right in your head. Why are you here? What do you want? What are your short and long term goals? Do you really want to be here? I mean really, here???
Not being too sarcastic, but just trying to get things right in my head at the moment, sometimes blogging can help you realise the 50 million things that you should be doing and you aren't... if you agree raise your hand and scratch your armpit! :D

Mayn, only if I had all the time in my life, I'd just write, write and write... like forever. Trust me

love and hate

Isn't it weird how we love people so easily and isn't it even more weird that somehow it doesn't take us too long to hate the same person! And then get back to loving him again, with the same feelings, jus coz he gave u a big fat bear hug and apologized for his mistake...
and two days later, we're back to hating him for some reason or the other...
the process goes on...
its a cycle
a cycle of emotions
a sad one!

Euphoric!!!

They have songs for all happy occasions, and for all the sad ones too, I guess that's what makes Euphoria such a dynamic band. A band that stirs up so many emotions within you, something that a few of the best bands in the world have failed to do over the years. I was introduced to this band with their song Maeri, that actually got me hooked to the band. Some sort of an addiction to that song started and for almost 4 months I was hooked to the band and its albums. Songs from Dhoom and Phir Dhoom were hits amongst the college music circle... However lame they sounded, you would find me and a couple of others who would headbang to their version of Dhoom, standing right in the front of the stage...
However, those days are gone and then followed the days of listening to their music at home on the old cd player and the big fat computer...
Somehow, Palash's voice creates some magic, everytime I listen to the band, there's something different I feel.. I guess it is the magic of music. Its the same thing yuo feel when someone strums a guitar and sings to you... a song that touches you heart, a soft romantic number like Everything by Lifehouse or even Ab Na Ja by Euphoria... Something about the rains, soft tracks and a guitar... nothing in the world can be more romantic than this setting, hell not even a nice cosy car drive on empty roads...
The point however is that I interviewed the band today and it was fabulous. The fact that I was supposed to be interviewing them came as a shock, but then when I did get there and they called out to me with my name, it was weird. It seemed like all the fanish adoration vanished and a journalist who was there to do her job, get the interview and say tata took over...
Whatever it was, it felt great that I finally interviewed them.
Two bands that I always wanted to interview - Iron Maiden and Euphoria, I've interviewed both as of 2009, which is a positive thing!
I'm excited so yay!!!

messed up?

unrecognisable is one word everyone threw at me in the last one week. The 22nd August of my life, shit, what haven't I done in this one month..? heh and its only been 11 days. From everything I went to nothing, from having all of it, i'm left with none. I questioned myself, do I feel sad about it? After three hours of pondering over this sitting in a corner with steaming hot lasagna at sweet chariot, I realised that I don't think its sad or anything... its just pathetic. Not me, the circumstances...
Does it matter to people that i'm not the person I was before, does it matter that I've changed my thought process, that i've changed my ideals and principles that I stood by... they've changed, for the good or bad, i have no idea. does it matter to people, to people who considered me their closest friends...random shit. blah.

Points to note:

1. Ethics of journalism and jazz that they teach u in college is all bullshit... there are a whole different set of ethics that govern this world, this world outside the closed world of college. YES its true, its a rat race and at the end of the day, all that matters is how far u've got and whether you've got ahead of others... YES that's how it works here, learn to live with it.

2. Mistakes have consequences, so face them like a man.

3. Stick by your stance till you die. DO NOT change yourself for any random person/ reason.

4. Emotions are harmful. Do not get emotionally carried away/attached.

5. Move on!

Magical moments :)

Sometimes things just happen and then when you wake up the next day, you don’t recognise the person you were the previous night. Its all nice and great to ‘go with the flow’ or ‘revel in the moment’ but what happens when the bubble bursts?
You change, they change, everything around you changes… or is it just you? Your perception, an experience you’ve had that will stick forever.
Is ‘having an experience’ about something really such a great thing? I mean, for instance you have a great relationship with someone and then you get dumped or things don’t work out and you breakup, you have an experience now and you’ll always keep running away from relationships, won’t you? If you tell me ‘That’s not true’ then I’ll say ‘Balls to you!’ and advice you to not read further.
Yea so this is about this strange thing that has been happening. Feels great but is so strange. I mean one conversation, there was undeniably some potential the last two times we spoke too, but one conversation, random, so much happened and I was left with just one thing to say – Magical. Nothing like I’ve ever experienced before. I think it is the music, the voice the feelings behind every word, there might be nothing actually, but then it just was so magical. So much in common, so much to say and yet we said nothing, I thought to myself,
Doesn’t music makes saying things you can’t, easier. Oh yea that’s confusing, but it did make sense that day, night whatever!
So well here we are, people telling you that its just a rebound, not one, but four, and what do you do? You go ahead. Why? Coz its just so perfect, there can’t be any hidden cosmic controversy here. Its all nice and cute and he’s just perfect.
You know you’ll be at the losing end again, don’t you? Yea, of course. But you still go ahead? Course, afterall, you dance when its time to dance and the mind should go when its time to dance. Oh and yea other dancers may be on the floor, (referring to someone and the other someone and the third someone) but my eyes will see only you.
DAMN why do things fall in place just when you don’t want them to!!!!?
And then I get back home at two and I sooo want to call AB and tell him how beautiful the whole night was and want to cry and laugh and explain how it was so much fun to whisper those stupid ‘sweet nothings’ to eachother and how it was the best evening I’ve EVER had but I don’t and go to sleep. I get a msg in the moring from AB telling me he’s breaking up with his babe! I mean whom do I tell this to now??? Why!
Anyway, for now I’m visibly ‘sway’ed.

Pain

She told me she had something to tell me, something really personal. We fixed up a table at the coffee shop near school. He hadn’t called me for a long time, a week or so, saw him at school but he was always with someone or the other so I couldn’t really talk to him. She was acting weird, he was acting weird, why didn’t I guess? I cursed myself after she told me everything, for being really dumb. It was right there in front of me, just like it was even this time. However, sometimes you can’t help yourself, you just get your hopes high, and then end up cursing yourself for doing that. This time, nothing was different, except for the fact that last time I didn’t know anything before it happened, this time I did. There’s a difference, you might say, I say no, it was just the same. Plain, clear and painful.
So we met at the coffee shop that bright afternoon. She was dressed differently. A complete transformation one would say. I remember pleading with her, in my mind of course ‘I know what has happened, don’t tell me please, I’ll die.’ She spoke, I heard, my mouth was dry, I was shivering, a tear rolled out, I wipped it away as she turned to call the waiter. She laughed aloud when she saw with fidgeting with the fork. Wasn’t different this time, was it? I sat with my hands fixed on the keyboard, frozen, couldn’t move them even if I did. Like last time I prayed and pleaded that he’d suddenly surprise me saying it is all a prank and stupid big fat joke that everyone’s playing. A repeat of the same feeling I had at the coffee shop that day, I thought he’d jump out from behind the pillar and curse me for believing it, would tell me, ‘did you really think I’d do such a thing? You claim to be my friend, this is how much you know me?” and I’d tell him “Maybe the credit goes to her for putting it in such a believable way.” Nothing of that sort happened, not even this time. I question myself, why does it bother me so much? Isn’t it their life? Didn’t he tell you he’s just your friend? Even this time, didn’t he? Then why do you cry, you stupid person? I get a response, the lady in the locket says, ‘Maybe it IS the choices you make, that show who you truly are.” What it means, I can’t comphrehend at the moment and continue listening to coldplay, hoping sleep shall come and then when I wake up, I won’t be stuck in reverse anymore.

more than something

Sometimes you are caught between so many things, so many feelings, all of a different nature, you find yourself wondering how you landed up there, whether it was entirely your fault? Maybe it was, but maybe it was a just one of those cosmic strategies created to show you where you are, who you are and what is going on around you. You then take off the coloured glasses and there you have it, plain, just two colours, black and white. You then have to choose your side, for as alluring as the black side is, you know you will remain on the white. Yea all of us want to stay on the black end, wannabe blackies that we are, but well, you are what you choose to be, and you know that you'll never choose to be on the black end if you ever had to choose between black and white.
And somewhere in the background, the coors sing, 'Go on, go on, make me breathless..." you wonder why?
"Can you please come up sheetal??"
A sniff and a sad voice requests, as if out of desperation that comes about only when your're terribly distraught and have no where to go, or no one to call.
Empty blue chair, "In a minute"
The trauma, the pain, you see it but don't feel it, coz there's another surprize, full of hope of course waiting for u in a few hours... u've been there haven't u, those days when he didn't speak to u... when he said, "we should both take a break, we're always there, chatting and stuff, we need a break." (something similar atleast) and you walked into office with a heavy heart, as you sat there tears rolled and as weird as it was, no one noticed, you saw him online, but u sat there, quiet, short whimpers, that went unnoticed... scary days those were, weren't they?
"I want to go away. Just run away."
Stop. Don't smile. Yes you've said that a million times, you want to smile and remember those days, coz u assume that whatever he says will be happy and yay, like you know *evil laughter*
had u known then that a few hours and u'd be in a pathetic situation, would you have stayed there, talking and convincing her that all would be fine? would you have taken her into your arms and hugged her? just stayed there, holding her tight as she shivered and wailed, cried her heart out..?
but hugs...
"Help me find it, and i will hug you :P okay no, that's mean. I will hug you anyway but if you can help me, i'll hug you again."
HUH??? really? You actually said that?
oh yea u have soooo many things to say about that don't u. But maybe u shouldn't.
He sings, "How they dance in the courtyard, sweet summer sweat. Some dance to remember, some dance to forget..."
I just love the music that follows, just so so love it, I wish I could just erase everything and restart, can I?
Damn, there isn't one good song on my phone, that can sum up exactly what I want to say, what am i looking for?
"Honey, these are the moments that make me want to grab a smoke. It helps, helps you soo much. But I'm not letting you smoke."

"Sudeep, can I talk to u for a minute?"
"course, come sit. Got some time, huh? Tell me,"
"Why do you smoke? What does it do to you? How does it help?"
"*broad grin* is this something for a survey, your newsletter, an article for some newspaper... oh but ur with ibn now, so any hidden camera?"
"No man, just tell me i'm curious. I mean all u people who smoke know its injurious and all shit right, so then why do you smoke?"
"Its calms you down, its more like a destressor."

"You know beck, i've had many dreams where i see myself smoking."
"I've quit, i could help you with brands and stuff, but wait, no don't smoke."
"You know i won't but you know its just so ahm I dono what, i think i will..."

...Last thing I remember, I was
Running for the door
I had to find the passage back
To the place I was before
relax, said the night man,
We are programmed to receive.
You can checkout any time you like,
But you can never leave!
Wonderful wonderful... how do that do that. how can music be so so calming. It's the voice I was looking for, where words or their meanings don't matter too much, its the sound, his voice, the emotions that it stirs with you...

"We'll go for a nice dinner before you leave."

"She showed me this beautiful picture, so perfect."

"You waste your time with hate and regret
You're broken
When your heart's not open"

"But you're not going to meet me on wednesday right?"
"I'm doing nothing on wednesday. We can meet."
"But you said you're going to be packing and all?"
"No I think we can meet."
"Cool. We'll go for a movie and then we'll go to pascucci for lunch?"

"I didn't have balance,"
"You have a landline."
"You wanted me to message from a landline?"

Really, you actually said that? why did you do that?

"Sheetal, once i'm back, will you come by and stay with me for a few days, till I feel alright?"
"I will, I'll be there for u, don't worry, all will be fine."

Will it?

"No we've called it off. People at home are looking for some other proposals. I've told them I don't want to get married now, want to take a break."
"It'll all be fine."

Will it?

"Honey I haven't met him for over a week. Do you think he'll be there at coffee house?"
"Don't worry, he'll come by."

Really?

Why did this happen? Ashleyy, you didn't hint at any of it, nothing, just told me to stay away from relationships that hurt, that won't work out. I didn't listen to you.

"You were pissed, thats your problem!"
"You need to deal with it, it just won't go away. You have to deal with it."

what fun!

RIP MJ

From days when we spent evenings locked up in the room trying to get the moon walk right, to screaming ‘Beat it, beat it’ every single morning just to get the owner angry… I still remember those funny evenings when we’d dress up just like him and watch all his actions over and over again, getting photos clicked with the same styling like him… playing the audio cassette of thriller right in the morning and giving grandpa a shock… we literally grew up listening to all his songs didn’t we? I’ll miss you Jacko… :’(

Sometimes you just have all the answers in your head and all ur doing it dodging the answers, trying to fight the pressure that 'the truth' puts on you and then you keep fighting and refusing to believe it and then 'the truth' becomes this mute entity, hanging like jesus christ does in a church. its there and its just there, regardless of whether u want to beleive in his presence or not. So anyway sometimes you have the answers and choose not to believe them, and at other times, someone shoves it down ur throat and you believe it. Weird isn't it???

Hooked to the giant

Sometimes you are so stuck to something that you can’t let go even when you want to and then the hook breaks. And after it breaks you wonder why you were pulling and tugging so much when you could have just stayed there quietly, being stuck… but happy.
And all you do is poke the giant every now and then, he doesn’t wake up, doesn’t do anything, just snores away. Then when you’re least expecting it the giant wakes up and rips your throat apart. Then, then well you die. Or remain a headless zombie all your life… But there’s no life. Damn! I wish the giant turned into a cute person, would be so much fun. Actually it’s an adorable giant so well I wonder why the giant gets offended everytime you mention something. Stupid big fat giant!!!

white love...

Black and a deep shade of blue, and then the blast of redish pink, like the colour of the sky after the sun has set… sitting and watching colours swirl in front of you. Wait.
Were they colours or feelings?
Were they real or a dream?
Its anything but white, white stands for love right? A pure colour, but to have white love it takes you a lifetime and sometimes more… who said love was red? It can’t be, red love is incomplete love where your heart cries, white is the complete love without any expectations and without any combinations. It is just plain, clear and white… like pearls found deep down inside the ocean. hidden betwee layers and layers of sand and dirty water hitting past them a hundered million times, but when you find them and wipe them, they are WHITE without a crack or without turning brown and dirty...
White love

conflict

Sometimes I wonder if it is actually possible to have conflicting feelings for the same person but then I try to find out which feeling is the strongest… love or hate
But how would you know what is love or what is hate? How would you even know which is what when it hits you hard in the face? There could be a possibility that they are just conflicting thoughts but not feelings, but again how would you define feelings?

When you're gone...

Ever faced a situation when two women tell you things that you are supposed to do and not supposed to do and both of them tell you completely opposite things?
What do you do then? Whatever you do, DO NOT let both of them know what the other said. This is probably the second time in 5 months that I feel stuck.
Two characters. Both independent, happy woman. both of them highly crazy! They have the best solutions but whom do you listen to?
The problem is that both of them have no clue about each others existence. They've never met, but know each others names, professions and purpose in life. Fortunately or unfortunately their top priority in life matches - GETTING MARRIED and living happily ever after. Well they've been living with the sweet-girl-next-door image but have given me death threats more than 50 times already. They're both highly violent and dangerously uncontrollable. While one gets drunk and says things like, "My lovely strawberry, I can't live without you..." the other is obsessed with fitness. She'll get dressed with her gloss and liner at 2 in the night to head to her gym and then suddenly realize that its only 2 and go back to sleep - after she has removed all the make up and applied moisturizer all over again. Its wonderful knowing both of them, but there are too many things you shouldn't do with them around, too much thinking, too much planning even before you decide to talk to them casually.
First thing you need to remember is to never discuss one when you are with the other. You might get strangled and killed and dragon sized nails will haunt your dreams forever. There are very good chances that you might end up drinking diet coke for the rest of your life too. However, there is an easier way to end your life, that involves minimum violence - simple, go to them with a problem. Damn these women should have a 'highly-life-threatening-pieces' board around their necks. The problem doesn't remain a problem anymore once it is destined to be heard in their court of law. Initially you might find their reactions hilarious, but trust me its a pain when you are forced to push it forward...
The problem is that both of them have a person they fantasize about, feel happy and sad about and you are always the second option, even when their guys are busy doing something else. Being in a relationship isn't fun. When they aren't trying to finish work and escape from office, they are working on assignments that are to be submitted next month, "I can spend more time with him if i'm done with this work now," apparently. That is understandable but cutting your me-time so u can make it us-time is the most irritating thing ever, maybe coz I fit in during their me-time. Everything becomes 'us' and 'we'. Oh we went to this place and we went to that place, we did this and we jumped in to the well. Damn it! They want to have wonderful dreams about their partners but have pathetically disturbed sleep all year round coz either they are fantasizing about what they want to do tomorrow or are planning how to lose 5 more kilos to keep their guy hooked to them forever and ever! Temporarily OCDed to their guy and their happy lives without any space for a loser someone who is forever depressed and writes weird stories that they don't have time to read.
Now they are going away forever and ever and will never have time to discuss anything with me anymore, both have finally decided that they are going to get married. One is off to Singapore on December 8th and the other will be leaving on December 9th. I’m sad, I dono what to do, should I feel sad that they’re leaving me forever, like ‘everyone’ else or happy coz they have finally achieved the purpose of their existence?
Shit its sad, I could call them at 2 in the night to share some gossip and talk to them about all kinds of non sense, now what do I do? This is so stupid! I hate it when people go away!!!

Forever random

Forever… she’d been thinking about that word for a long time now. Often she’d think about it, hoping that someday someone would walk up to her and tell her that they’ll be there forever. But now as she played with those small blue capsules, the word made no sense. “You can wait for a while,” the voice repeated. She ignored it, not for the first time. She’d been through this entire debate so many times now, that when anyone said ‘wait’ she’d get irritated. She stuffed the capsules in to the tiny grey bottle carelessly and took her bike keys. An ice cream would make it easier, she thought.

She put on the helmet and shut her face with the dark visor. Suffocated as she might feel, she wanted to do all those things that she had been avoiding for the last few days. But this time she’d go to all those places and get done with it forever. The cold drops hit her hard, but it went fine with the mood and the purpose.

So she turned on the bike and it killed the silence with the weird rattling noise. The cold air hit her hard and she knew she wanted to feel everything she’d never felt before. This feeling was different too, it was a sad feeling, a sense of loss, a meaningless walking awat… It was about pain and pain it would be, she decided. She didn’t wear a jacket or tie her hair up, more pain, more hatred, more easy to get over it. Hatred, that wasn’t the feeling but anyway. She turned the music on and the rain covered her visor, it was pouring really hard and she couldn’t see anything but she knew where she was going. Now she remembered all those hours she’d spent locked up in Room no 109, listening to Shobhana Ma’am go on about how some crazy author defined pathetic fallacy through his poetry to get the message across. Those pieces made sense now, those words made sense now. She had a small story emerging in her head already. Even before she’d completed the first line or decided what the plot would be, in her head, her hands wanted to touch a keyboard and she wanted to start writing the story. “Empty roads and bright lights, crying skies and slow music… it was perfect! When she was happy it’d rain and she’d dance, when she was sad, it’d rain and she’d cry… how did this happen? How did it matter.” She came to a screeching hault, she had to stop and still the music continued in her ear. The cops were staring into her face, two of them, big fat mostached men. She hated moustaches, she vaguely remembered having this discussion with him and smiled as she lifted the visor. It was over a month now and she still couldn’t remember what she told those big fat cops or how they let her go without checking her license or the looks they exchanged when they saw her all drenched, wearing a thin t-shirt. All that didn’t matter then anyway. So the first place she’d decided to go to was the very road she’d been scared to go to ever since the cursed day. As she entered the road, everything came back, it felt like the moment froze right there and she was drawn back to the day she rode there with him. A blurred combination of black and white memories, a big orange sign, a huge cup of coffee with a huger heart, the cluttered table, the huge wooden bangle and the thin straw, she smiled even as tears rolled down her face. This is why she never wanted to come here. But since the end was close she decided she’d cry all she could and then finally rest. The place where she would park her bike always, remained empty obediently and she got off, looking around taking in all the minor details she’d always miss. She stood ten feet away from the orange place and the door, waiting for the same excitement to hit her hard and do things in her stomach. Nothing happened, but she was filled with a strange hollow feeling. An emptiness that made her want to sit there and cry. “Why why why, this is not how it should have ended, it shouldn’t have ended!”

The road was empty and she remembered standing in the heavy rain for over ten minutes thinking about the same things again and againg. Somehow she felt drained already, she could do with some coffee, the same huge cup with the heart.

She walked in, pushing the door slowly. She did not want to enter, no…
No one stood behind the counter and no one gave her a welcoming smile. The place was empty and silent. Atleast the disgusting music wouldn’t disturb her. Disturb, she thought, what was she planning to do anyway? She could see them sitting there, he was in his white t-shirt and she wore her old beige overcoat. She sipped from the huge cup of coffee even as he explained something about some forgotten sandwich. She smiled and burst out, the lifeless old rusted guitar being the only witness, She sat there thinking of the day when conversations flowed from across the glass, each time she thought of that day, she had smiled so much that everyone noticed… Sometimes in random meetings at office and sometimes when she was riding and even when she was listening to her mom shout at her. No one came, no one told her to stop crying, she cried thinking about all those days and all those talks she’d had with him. All those times when something would happen and she’d make a mental note about telling him something or discussing something with him… SHIT she missed him so much! How was it possible? She always made a conscious effort to not get too close to anyone, she always made sure she wouldn’t get attached to anyone… when did this happen? Why did this happen?

Was this the end, would she never speak to him again? Had she lost him forever? She needed him so so much, wanted to tell him that he shouldn’t stop speaking to him… could she meet him just once, one last time to tell him to not make it the ‘last’ time. She didn’t want things to end, he was the only person who treated her like a true friend… he’d talk to her when she was low, he’d listen to her when she was excited, he’d talk to her even when there was nothing to talk about… what had she done? Why had this happened? So suddenly, after the best day she’d had in her entire life. Why why… why wouldn’t anyone answer?

She couldn’t take it anymore and as she walked out she saw them walking out too, she saw him walking away towards her bike, as she followed… she still didn’t know why he’d done that? Wasn’t that weird, the last time he’d ever meet her??? Was it? She was so scared of the word ‘last’ now… she was scared, very very scared. She couldn’t take that anymore, she left them searching for the keys, as she rode away without looking back…

She couldn’t forget the look on his face when she’d dropped him off that night, she wanted to hug him once, she didn’t want him to leave, he didn’t even say bye, he didn’t walk away, he didn’t turn his back on her, but didn’ say anything else either. He stood there looking at her, patted her and said something she couldn’t comprehend, she just stared at him… oh this shouldn’t have ended like this, she thought. She wanted to cry, cry really really badly… she couldn’t let him go, was this the last time she’d see him, last time ever? What about the million things she wanted to tell him? What about those things she’d planned? What about the nice happy days? They never came… they should have… she couldn’t remember how long she stood staring at him, she couldn’t leave like that… but it was all over. She truly did things she’d never done before. She hadn’t broken down like this for eight years now. Not in the middle of a busy street atleast. It was over? Only if she could undo the last three hours. Please please… could someone do something, she wanted to change it, erase it, control z, undo, rewind, nothing worked and it was all over. She cried, she didn’t know what made her cry more, his face that kept popping up in front of her, or the fact that nothing will ever be the same again, or that she’d have to go back online tomorrow and look at him and not talk to him, or that she couldn’t call him or message him or ever speak to him again… how would she explain things to anyone, would things change?

She was so helpless, she looked back and didn’t see him, passed the India coffee house, where did that come from? Why?

She didn’t know how she got there but she saw her soon-to-be-married-friend. She was waiting for her, waiting to know if everything was alright… Shriya told her that she had something really terrible to tell her… her mom was on her way to cancel her marriage, less than 20 days left, cards all printed and delivered to everyone… what does she do now? She heard her out and didn’t know what to do… what was more painful… what was more big? How does it feel being her… before Shriya noticed anything about her swollen eyes, the power went off. She was glad that happened as reliving the day would kill her if she wasn’t already dead. She told her it was all ok. Alteast one thing was right, Shriya said. She left the room to get some dinner, she couldn’t stay here anymore. So she left somehow, she didn’t remember anything… she knew Shriya was depressed already, besides, what would she tell her… She didn’t know anything herself. She rode back, taking the longer route coz she couldn’t stop her tears anymore, nothing seemed right. Nothing… She’d never been in this situation ever… worse yes but nothing like this.

She wanted to speak but whom could she speak to? Dipika was really busy and Shriya was depressed herself, the only two people she spoke to really. Why…

I looked away
Then I look back at you
You try to say
The things that you can't undo
If I had my way
I'd never get over you
Today's the day
I pray that we make it through

Make it through the fall
Make it through it all

[Chorus:]
And I don't wanna fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
I don't want to talk about it
Cuz I'm in Love With you

You're the only one,
I'd be with till the end
When I come undone
You bring me back again
Back under the stars
Back into your arms

[Chorus]

Wanna know who you are
Wanna know where to start
I wanna know what this means

Wanna know how you feel
Wanna know what is real
I wanna know everything, everything

[Chorus without last line]

[Chorus]

I'm in love with you
Cuz i'm in love with you
I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you