Randomness

Its the saddest I’ve felt so far, i’m so so sad. I can’t think right, I can’t do anythin, its all so boring, I’ve lost interest in everything. I’ve always felt like this whenever I got too close...
I know it won’t work out, I always know, but I still try. I’m too scared off everything, I hate the stupid questions that keep popping up. These things scare me like crazy. I don’t like the feeling.
Why does this have to happen?
why do we have to have feelings?
why do we have to feel these things?
why can’t we just be indifferent to everything?
why can’t we be neutral about things?
why can’t we just not be born?
why can’t we just die whenever we want to?
why is it that all of us have to go through all this?
why can’t life be all bland, drab and boring?
I’ve so lost the link, the flow...its all gone. I can’t write my stories anymore, nothing! Writing doesn’t help, it never did, but now it doesn’t come. I try writing and it doesn’t happen. I don’t like it when people go away, I don’t like it when they come back and I hate it when it gets all boring too, it doesn’t make sense, but anyway nothin ever does. I think its the dementia praecox but what if it is, and what if it isn’t? Big deal...
Its all blur, I try to see what it is that is somewhere ahead of me, its there, I want to see, but may be I don’t.
Its all crap - the work, writing, feeling, thinking, talking, eating, this life, death...its all so crappy. Its no big deal...! But maybe it is...
I'm just so so... I dono what. Whatever it is, I don't like it. I like the old me, I hate this constant battle. This battle with the inner voice, I hate thinking about it, all along its been a stupid reality, its just an illusion actually, like the deer...it eludes you whenever you try to get closer and then its gone forever, to never return, it doesn't happen consciously, but it does happen... but wait a minute.. doesn't all this happen coz I make this happen for me...actually thats the problem, I try to make things happen...maybe I should, maybe I shouldn't. I dono. The inner voice lies, I dono whom to ask. No one to answer, no answers maybe, maybe they are like the deer who runs away whenever u try to get closer. The point is that u shudn't try... its never worth it. Maybe sometimes it is but still.
People always say they want to become children again, they love childhood and those days, they miss the point always.

so much to say, so less time

I tried and tried, but couldn't post anything all week. Not that I was super busy or din't have anything to write about but I just couldn't get in to the right frame of mind. Everytime I opened blogger and clicked on new post, the page obediently opened and the keyboard yearned for the touch of my fingers (I know thats super hilarious) but I couldn't put I just couldn't word everything well.
However, its a Saturday (again) and I've had loads to do (yea inspite of it being a weekend!!!) so I've been hell busy for the last three days...what with the damn fitness schedule, events, interviews and a lot of melodrama at office. Lots has changed since the last time I posted and probably everything is bound to change evenmore.

The biggest pain:
The biggest thing that happened was the argument with Becky. It pised me out totally. Haven't been so stressed out in the past month. It is the silliest thing we could have an argument on, something that she has to learn. I feel so stuck between both the relationships. Its not that I become a different person with both of them, I'm always myself they look at me differently. Its weird and stupid and the entire thing is totally psyching me out!
First: Being judgmental is bad, not that I am not. I'm as they call it 'goddess of generalizations' but jumping to conclusions without even knowing another person is bad. Idiotic, in other words.
Second: WE are 'supposed' to be mature people. And if you feel so bad about something as stupid as this, then atleast you shouldn't make it so obvious. I mean get a life people!!!
Third: I think this is the stupidest thing I've put up on my blog...Yes, it even beats the crappy things I've put up about my incomplete crushes/ infatuations/ love whatever!

Anyway moving on...

The next thing that happened this week was the Interview with Dr. Kalam. I received weird responses to this one. From "Who's APJ?" to "I'm so proud of you!" (No, that wasn't any family member. They just said "oh, ok!") It was a few friends and classmates.
He remembered and I'm just happy coz its the second time I did it and coz the happiness that my boss reflected when I told her about it was really good. I could sleep that night without having to worry about the work next day(not that I anyway do, but the guilt atleast gives me a reason to wake up every morning and get to work :P)

Next...

The 'moving on' is finally happening and the conscious reminders are helping. I've decided that it makes no sense (as he puts it) to "categorize all significant relationships as something romantic." I've been thinking and thinking about this and it actually makes sense. It is hard, really really tough and almost seems like I'm cheating myself, but somethings are never meant to be., and the article I did on break ups really helped. I only hope I can really get over him totally. It would be a lie to say that I'm not trying (as 'D' keeps saying) coz I'm really making the effort. Everytime something he said crosses my mind I always get myself busy and its really hurting , I cry and cry but I have to move on. And I hope the fitness thing helps.


Which brings me to the last thing that really made this week eventful...
Getting back to swimming
People at home think I'm just a loser and people at work think that I'm doing it to impress someone. Others think I'm jobless and some have even told me that I so can't do it. Generally the feedback I've received for this decision of mine has been negative. There were a few who called to say that this is the right time to get back and some others (Read: Coach) had a tear in their eye when I told them that. Its three days and I've had to pay for that one damn tear!
I mean 10 kms isn't a damn joke. I couldn't get up from the bed when I returned, it was only when my mom said that I could stay back and help her cook food and clean up my room that I got up to go to office! Torture!
Well Day one, I was FOUR hours late and since then I've had to run 10 kms.
Day two, running 5 kms and a lot of disgusting kind of exercises. The obscene-st of the lot were the crunches. When I was told I had to do them I was so happy that 5 kms were being reduced but shit these crunches are the worst things ever. I rather run 15 kms than do 10 crunches everyday. (A little exaggeration is allowed)
Day three: I couldn't be more dead! Shit! I hate hate hate doing crunches.
Day four is tomorrow. If I don't ever post anything after this, consider me dead and do send in your condolences (not that anyone cares)

Anyway this is it. Nothing else bloggable happened this week so I'm just going to end this post here.
OHH and I have to mention this, the song of the week: Yellow by cold play and Romeo and Juliet by Dire Straits, both proved good competition to the song that has won - 7 things I hate about you by Miley Cyrus. I loved this song, she's ok but the lyrics make a lot of sense. However, Dire Straits was the heights of romantic-ness ;)

I dono what to call it!

Apparently 21 years back I was born on this day, its this festival we have today (21 yrs back it was on 15th aug! Whateve!) where we are forced to eat only cold food! Well thats another reason I was named 'cold' or Sheetal. Only I'm just the opposite - I get angry very soon, I think people are mean and I get offended too often! Anyway otherwise I'm cool with a lot of things. Oh yea and I'll speak to people and be myself with them only if I like them! Anyway thats not the purpose of this post. Actually I dono the purpose of this post, I just got bored working on the articles and got bored eating cold food at work (when there's yum food downstairs) so I tot I'd visit my cute lil blog and write something!
Ok its a Saturday, end of the very long mixed week. I could safely tag this week as the worst I've had but for a few things that happened here and there.
I spoke to a few people I din’t imagine I’d speak to ever again in my life.
I went to Mc.Donald's with the biggest wannabe ever created.
I went to Mc.Donald's and DIN’T have a burger.
I drank the biggest hugest glass of coke which never got over. The after effects were terrible tho (esp riding back home with a full sac, Oh its bad)
I went to Mc.Donald's at 10:30 pm only to have a burger and spoke to deeksha about things that I’ve never spoken about. (was fun tho...)
I had the creamiest yummiest coffee ever. A barista special :)
(Why can I only talk about food!!!?)
And I spoke to him about a few things that I can’t imagine discussing with any other guy.
Fought with Navin!!! For the first time in my life! About how it really is love.
Ate the amazing est chocolate at the Windsor manor and I dono what it was called. (here I go again...)
Finished watching all the DVDs I bought on my b day - thats a lifetime record. (Sandy and reb come home and take them)
Ah din’t speak to a few people and din’t do a few things that I should have done.

All in all the only thing that really made the week special was a small conversation with someone I really really love (‘him’), a few things that were said unintentionally but made me smile nevertheless. :) Oh I so so so love him...

But hang on...wasn’t this week supposed to be the worst week I’ve had??? ;)

So irritated!

Its been like the worst day ever! I dono why but a lot of things.
1. I wanted to listen to 'Fix you' so so so badly but my damn phone had no memory space. I even deleted 'truly madly deeply' but still there wasn't any space! I hate my phone!
2. Th net was down the ENTIRE day, I mean the whole day!!! How do you work? I completed only two articles, I planned and planned all night to complete three! One more for tomorrow.
3. I was so hungry, but I din't go down. Not my fault! I sat with deeksha for a while (ten mins) and I got back and the boss thinks I was away for 45 mins!
4. The quark copy dispatch server chose to fall flat when I was 5 minss away from completing and sending my article! So the status was, I sent my article and the boss left! So the count is one article.
5. The person I don't want to meet comes to meet me!!!

it lingers on...

Its such a disgusting life, when you have to wait and wait! Everyone laughs around me and I give them a very lame smile. They are overjoyed about something, something that I don’t know and something that I don’t care about. I feel so bad about something, there’s this sinking feeling inside I don’t know why. Everyone is talking about someone, discussing her dress and the way she talks and what she writes..., I’m lost.

I hate this cycle, I mean I always get close to people and they ALWAYS leave me and go away...even if they don’t go, they are around but they don’t really bother. I hate it, Its always the same story, the same damn cycle. It starts, it happens and then I say and its all calm for a while, but then all of a sudden it vanishes, goes away, its all over, the loneliness hits me hard and it traps me. I’m gripped between the worst moments of my life... forever. And I’ll be trapped forever. I can’t get out, I’m trying and trying but I can’t get out.

And more QUESTIONS

Sometimes you are just so so irritated with so many things that you don’t notice the small tiny things that happen around you. On second thoughts, these things aren’t really small. In the busyness of your life, you don’t notice that you are drifting away from certain otherwise important relationships! Its sometimes good, when the person really doesn’t mean much to you but what if the person and you shared a good relationship before? What do you do then? Do you just let go, hoping that things will fall in place after a while OR do you make that effort to sort out things? Do you question yourself about why YOU make that effort and not him/ her? Is it possible for you to keep the ego apart and sort things out? Can you forget everything and move on? Is it possible to MOVE ON at all? But why should you move on when you like the person? Why do you always get carried away? Is it possible to love someone? Can you love someone and be loved too, is it possible? Why do people generally get bored? Why do people generally categorize you based on what you say and not on what you are?
Is it possible for me to stop questioning?

I hate this feelin

I hate this post-that state when u wait and wait and wait and nothin happens. Why don't people bother? Don't they bother about anythin? I mean it doesn make sense, its really really stupid!
its almost like its all over...over and will never come back, nothin will ever happen. I don't want to feel the pain, but I have to. I don't want to feel bad about it all, but its all just flooding my emotions. I hate this, hate this so much that I can't hold my tears now, I don't care who's looking and I don't bother answering when they question 'what happenend?' I don't want anyone around, why isn't it possible that I just close my eyes and everything around me just fades away? I want to stay alone
To stay away from everyone!
But now I want some answers, some very very precise and frank answers!
and I want the answers right from the horse's mouth. I mean there's a limit to everything
I'm going mad with those terrible dreams of her and him and her again! Its almost like the things Ron saw when he was supposed to kill the thing in the locket! I mean what the hell, why me!
I hate this phase and I want to get rid of this feeling.
Moreover, its all my fault I shouldn try and go back in time. She kept saying "let the past be PAST. don't try to do things that would ruin ur present!" and I kept retorting, "I love him."
But this is not fair at all! I hate this and I want a damn answer!!!

Everythin was fine, what happened now? why all this? I never asked for anythin? where did all that warmth go? how did it fade away just like that? Why this moving apart? why this separation? Why this withdrawing? Why the invisibility? Why the hide and seek? I hate hate hate this!!!