Thursday, September 25, 2008

There has to be a picture for the blah feeling. This is the longest i’ve felt so blah. And the worst part is that its so difficult to define it, its just so weird.
Anyway this is not the purpose of this post (that i've been planning for over an eternity now)
I'm in two minds about what the most important thing of the week was, there are two crucial things that happened. First - I'm quitting Deccan Herald and joining Deccan Chronicle and Second - I've finally spoken about a million things that were hiding somewhere deep down. Both have left a deep impact and are extremely conflicting experiences. Since I haven't really been able to understand and analyse what the actual feelings are, I won't go in to explaining the feelings just yet.
But briefly, quitting isn't an easy job. took me all the courage in the world to go up to my boss and tell her that I've decided to leave. Not because of any personal issues (which were many if you really come to think of it) but its more because this was my first job, my first experience of working in an organizational set up, a place where I had to sort my issues out - all by myself, where my decisions were left to me, a place where I learnt a few important lessons of life and a place where i've made a few sensible friends - at office and via gtalk. So the sentimental fool that I am, I don't feel ashamed of saying that I will really miss this place, my computer, the coffee, the sensible conversations with so many people who've come here from different places. People who've guided me, people who've misguided me, people who've tried to pull me out of problems, people who've tried to put me in trouble, people whom i've shared a joke with, people who've shared jokes with me, people whom I spoke to over evening coffee, people whom I made fun of, people who made fun of me, people who told me that i'm a stupid kid who knows nothing, people who said they see the spark in my eye, people who said I'm just a stupid hyper chick and people who told me that they haven't seen someone being so endlessly passionate about their work, people whom I went to, to get some advice, people who came to me for advice, people who made the most amazing puliogray ever and people who agreed that the best thing about DH is the canteen (which serves the most amazing food for so cheap - Rs. 35 per month). So well yeah I'm going to be missing everything big time, but one has to move on and so will I probably. The new office isn't far and I don't have a clue about the work environment there - which is good in a certain way coz surprizes are always interesting, disappointment isn't (no I can't be all positive and think it'll all be perfectly fine) But i'm in for the surprize/dissapointment whatever it is - coz challenges are damn interesting and this is a big gamble, it sure won't be easy, but won't be that difficult...
Wasn't I not suppose to elaborate on the feeling??? :P

Anyway the second big event of the week, well I think sometimes, ONLY sometimes its ok to discuss stuff with someone you can trust. Its all weird coz you don't know how the person is reacting but then in this case I'm glad I was speaking to someone who isn't a narrow minded fool who looks at things only in a certain way.
For now, its a wait and watch situation and just something more important to find out, so will complete this post later.

Monday, September 15, 2008

I wonder and I wonder

What do you do when your sad to death?
Whom do you talk to?
Can you possibly explain all that you are going through to someone at all?
Is it possible that this someone will even understand?
Is it ok if this someone looks at it differently and doesn't understand the unfairness of the situation?
What do you do when you really really hate a person? Why do you say that you hate the person, when it is what she/he does that you actually hate?
Why do you hate it?
Do you hate it because its evil and nasty? Or do you hate it because whatever happened pises you off? Or do you hate it because its unfair?
Do you not like it when it happens to you only coz it happens to you? Or do you not like it when it happens to you and not the others?
Why are people unfair?
Why is there so much of partiality?
Why do ass-lickers get better stuff than those who choose to stay neutral?
Why can't you listen to the songs that you want to, when you want to?
Why do people choose to ignore your work just because you choose to work honestly instead of socialising and screaming in office?
Why does everyone hate you so much when you get a page one byline?
Why can't you just be yourself and still be happy?
Why can't people just leave you alone?
Why can't you just run away in the jungle, without anything or anyone?
Why can't things just pause when you want them to?
Why do you question?
Why so many why's?
Why no answers?
Why a start?
And why a conclusion?
Why a thought?
And why an action?
Why a feeling?
And why neutrality?
Why love?
And why none of it?
Why hatred?
And why more of it?
Why this sky?
And why no end to it?
Why the stars?
And why their death?
Why this life?
And why no end to it???
Why me?
And why... this nonsense?

Monday, September 08, 2008

They call it 'Hakuna Matata'

There are a few things in life we feel, and feel only once. No feeling lasts too long... it keeps changing. So if you liked a person once upon a time, then the feelings might have surely taken a different form now. Ofcourse there are a few relationships you’ll build where the feelings will remain unperturbed come what may, like the respect you have for a teacher who taught you certain important lessons, then there is the relationship between the landlady and your family that is a hate-hate relationship. The other obvious relationships, boss-emplyee (love-hate) not-so-good friends, collegues, acquaintences, orkut friends, irritating forward senders, the watchman, the waiter at Mc Donalds blah blah blah...
The point I’m trying to make is that I always tried to avoid contemplating such issues, these things are damn tricky, feelings I mean. Instead of understanding the real feelings I always took the easiest way out, always stereotyped them. Its either “I love this” or “I hate this.”
Course there is the typically me, “I don’t care” too but that is just the thing I say when I feel all blah. And that’s the case with a lot of people. They brand people based on two things:
1. How well you know them.
2. How are they useful to you.
So the idea is that you rarely try to understand people and find out how much they mean to you. Your feelings towards the person might be something completely different than what you might be labeling it. So it all boils down to one thing - We are living life for the heck of it, but there are a few people, very few, who ‘experience life’. It seems to be something too easy to say, but its hell difficult to become someone like that. Our ‘hammered-with-stereotypes’ mind throws up a question, “Why should we even bother understanding stuff?” Well, you wouldn’t know unless you experience something like it. I’ve came across a few people who actually understand and think about issues too deeply. Its weird but its amazing to do that. Do not try to find a single point I’m making through this post, I’m making multiple points or maybe none, you'll never know coz nor will I.
I always thought that things happen to you because you make them happen for you, I still believe that is the case, but in the process of ‘making things happen for yourself’ you generally forget certain basic things, certain things that you underestimate, certain intircaies of unsaid things, a few things that are often easy to misunderstand or just that they are too complicated to understand.
For the past few days I’ve been fighting this inner battle, trying to switch names on certain relationships, either trying to tag hatred as love, or tagging love as friendship and its too too tough. So all I did all day was listen to certain blues that made me feel worse and made me cry (again making things happen) and then I don’t know what happened and I had this weird flashback and I remembered somethin someone said about how I’m just lying to myself. SHIT! although obviously I denied it, tried not to think about it, ignored the comment, did all I could - but I couldn’t get it out of my head. I’ve always kept saying things to myslef. Always. Without really realising what I’m saying, never pondered over anything, never made time for trivial things (like relationship with family, neighbours, acquaintances, friends). Lying to someone else is bad, but its atleast ok when compared to what I’ve been doing, I’ve been lying to myself about a lot of things. Lots of very important things. Leading a life full of contradictions. When I loved someone and I knew it wouldn’t work out, I told myself that its actually not love, its friendship, and when I hated somone, I told myself that its not actually hatred that I feel but a certain dislike. I’ve always repeated these lies to myslef, assuming that it is THE truth. This was followed by an entire process of convincing myslef that it is the truth and when that din’t happen the pain and distress that followed was doubled by the sense of loss that occupied me. The healing process then begun, with another lie, that it wasn’t meant to happen, there is more in store, more good things to come and all jazz. But this realization - that its not a great idea to lie to yourself about your feelings brought about a whole new experience. Everytime I tried to understand my feelings about the most important relationships in my life, there were some 50 million questions that came about.
I always thought that I hate all my relatives, the truth is I don’t understand hatred. I keep saying the word, but I don’t understand these things - love, hatred or anythin. Its not my relatives or my home that I hate but the circumstances that really are irritating.
Then I thought I love him, but then what is love? How do you know its love when you haven’t experienced anything of that sort?I’ve felt similar things for different people at different points of time in life, but that time I din’t call it love, then now why am I calling it love?
Possibility 1: Maybe because I’ve never come across someone with such a powerful personality, someone who is so sure about so many things, someone who made me question so many things that I’ve been basing my life on. But why is it love? What is love? Does is exist at all? Its shit complicated to understand love!
Possibility 2: Maybe because I had a small stupid crush on him when I was 13 something. Too early to understand anything. And now after 8 years I spoke to him agian. But thats unlikely because I liked so many people when I was young (celebrities and others) but when I met them now, I din’t feel anything of this sort.
Possibilty 3: Maybe it is love, maybe we were destined to meet/speak, Maybe all this was supposed to happen, maybe someone sitting up there wrote this for me. But again what is the evidence that there is someone sitting up there who writes destinies? Anyway it is possible and it isn’t. The famous DTPH talk doesn’t really make sense really.

Conclusion:After a lot of questioning, a detailed analysis of the brain and the heart, too many sad songs, a whole week of sleepless nights, unlimited coffee and many tears, I’ve concluded that I’ve been misunderstanding a lot of stuff. I’ve been stereotyping many relationships and their fates, generalising a lot. Its time to put an end to it and if I continue it will only be going back to old times, which is terrible. Last night came as a relief, I don’t know what happened and how it all fell in place, everything I’ve been ignoring, suddenly made sense, like I found the missing piece of a jigsaw puzzle, I was looking for it everywhere and I found it in the place I was least expecting. Now I have, to an extent understood a lot of stuff and I feel so relieved, a certain calm, a weird feeling of tranquility, amidst all the commotion that I’m physically surrounded by. Its like the end of an era, an end to a busy day at work, a tiring day that took away all my energy, like the first time butterscotch ice cream feels when you finally eat it after weeks of craving, like the hot air coming from your hairdryer dries all the wet hair and the peace you feel as your body hits the soft bed and sleep - that has been eluding you for an entire week whispers something in your ears and your eyes close magically. The black enchantress plays her seductive flute and drags you deep in to her world full of dreams, a world where there isn’t anythin to do, a place where everything pleasant happens, a place where you smile, laugh even, wholeheartedly, where there isn’t any feeling of loss, no fear, no anxiety, no insecurity, because there isn’t any feeling, no emotions, just a world full of dreams, illusive realities that linger in the now - empty corridors of your mind.
A perfect example of wavering from the topic :) This realisation has caused me a lot of pain but now I’m glad that I atleast understand stuff thats happening within. I'm a different person, from what I was a few weeks back. Its weird, but its true - I feel all elated, all happy, like a victory over something that generally is ununderstandable. And I'm glad I made the effort. I feel like I'm sitting on the highest cloud, singing something like 'Hakuna Matata.'


Certain feelings are so weird, actually not certain but feelings in genral are really weird. You can’t understand them, but sometimes you feel pain, hatred, love and the likes and the worst part is that its always so tough to understand stuff, you feel bad about something but you don’t know what the reason is. You are hurt or pissed or depressed but you can’t figure out the real reason behind these feelings.
And thats when you get a mail, messge or some random way through which these quotes pop up in front of you just out of the blue. And whats more, they make perfect sense... so here they are, they not only make you contemplate certain issues but they word unexpressible feelings perfectly.

This is the best one...
“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.”
- Jim Morrison
(American Poet and Singer. Member of the American band The Doors and one of rock music's mythic figures. 1943-1971)

This is brilliant...
“I would much rather have regrets about not doing what people said, than regretting not doing what my heart led me to and wondering what life had been like if I'd just been myself.”
- Brittany Renée
(English Author and Dancer, b.1986)

Before we move on to the best one, read this. So true...
“If only. Those must be the two saddest words in the world.”
- Mercedes Lackey

Calling this one perfect, would be an understatement! Its too too good...
“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”
- Neil Gaiman
(English born American Novelist, Journalist, Screenwriter, Children's author and Comics writer of American Gods, amongst many others, b.1960)

Tuesday, September 02, 2008


Its the saddest I’ve felt so far, i’m so so sad. I can’t think right, I can’t do anythin, its all so boring, I’ve lost interest in everything. I’ve always felt like this whenever I got too close...
I know it won’t work out, I always know, but I still try. I’m too scared off everything, I hate the stupid questions that keep popping up. These things scare me like crazy. I don’t like the feeling.
Why does this have to happen?
why do we have to have feelings?
why do we have to feel these things?
why can’t we just be indifferent to everything?
why can’t we be neutral about things?
why can’t we just not be born?
why can’t we just die whenever we want to?
why is it that all of us have to go through all this?
why can’t life be all bland, drab and boring?
I’ve so lost the link, the flow...its all gone. I can’t write my stories anymore, nothing! Writing doesn’t help, it never did, but now it doesn’t come. I try writing and it doesn’t happen. I don’t like it when people go away, I don’t like it when they come back and I hate it when it gets all boring too, it doesn’t make sense, but anyway nothin ever does. I think its the dementia praecox but what if it is, and what if it isn’t? Big deal...
Its all blur, I try to see what it is that is somewhere ahead of me, its there, I want to see, but may be I don’t.
Its all crap - the work, writing, feeling, thinking, talking, eating, this life, death...its all so crappy. Its no big deal...! But maybe it is...
I'm just so so... I dono what. Whatever it is, I don't like it. I like the old me, I hate this constant battle. This battle with the inner voice, I hate thinking about it, all along its been a stupid reality, its just an illusion actually, like the eludes you whenever you try to get closer and then its gone forever, to never return, it doesn't happen consciously, but it does happen... but wait a minute.. doesn't all this happen coz I make this happen for me...actually thats the problem, I try to make things happen...maybe I should, maybe I shouldn't. I dono. The inner voice lies, I dono whom to ask. No one to answer, no answers maybe, maybe they are like the deer who runs away whenever u try to get closer. The point is that u shudn't try... its never worth it. Maybe sometimes it is but still.
People always say they want to become children again, they love childhood and those days, they miss the point always.