Monday, June 29, 2009


She told me she had something to tell me, something really personal. We fixed up a table at the coffee shop near school. He hadn’t called me for a long time, a week or so, saw him at school but he was always with someone or the other so I couldn’t really talk to him. She was acting weird, he was acting weird, why didn’t I guess? I cursed myself after she told me everything, for being really dumb. It was right there in front of me, just like it was even this time. However, sometimes you can’t help yourself, you just get your hopes high, and then end up cursing yourself for doing that. This time, nothing was different, except for the fact that last time I didn’t know anything before it happened, this time I did. There’s a difference, you might say, I say no, it was just the same. Plain, clear and painful.
So we met at the coffee shop that bright afternoon. She was dressed differently. A complete transformation one would say. I remember pleading with her, in my mind of course ‘I know what has happened, don’t tell me please, I’ll die.’ She spoke, I heard, my mouth was dry, I was shivering, a tear rolled out, I wipped it away as she turned to call the waiter. She laughed aloud when she saw with fidgeting with the fork. Wasn’t different this time, was it? I sat with my hands fixed on the keyboard, frozen, couldn’t move them even if I did. Like last time I prayed and pleaded that he’d suddenly surprise me saying it is all a prank and stupid big fat joke that everyone’s playing. A repeat of the same feeling I had at the coffee shop that day, I thought he’d jump out from behind the pillar and curse me for believing it, would tell me, ‘did you really think I’d do such a thing? You claim to be my friend, this is how much you know me?” and I’d tell him “Maybe the credit goes to her for putting it in such a believable way.” Nothing of that sort happened, not even this time. I question myself, why does it bother me so much? Isn’t it their life? Didn’t he tell you he’s just your friend? Even this time, didn’t he? Then why do you cry, you stupid person? I get a response, the lady in the locket says, ‘Maybe it IS the choices you make, that show who you truly are.” What it means, I can’t comphrehend at the moment and continue listening to coldplay, hoping sleep shall come and then when I wake up, I won’t be stuck in reverse anymore.