Pain

She told me she had something to tell me, something really personal. We fixed up a table at the coffee shop near school. He hadn’t called me for a long time, a week or so, saw him at school but he was always with someone or the other so I couldn’t really talk to him. She was acting weird, he was acting weird, why didn’t I guess? I cursed myself after she told me everything, for being really dumb. It was right there in front of me, just like it was even this time. However, sometimes you can’t help yourself, you just get your hopes high, and then end up cursing yourself for doing that. This time, nothing was different, except for the fact that last time I didn’t know anything before it happened, this time I did. There’s a difference, you might say, I say no, it was just the same. Plain, clear and painful.
So we met at the coffee shop that bright afternoon. She was dressed differently. A complete transformation one would say. I remember pleading with her, in my mind of course ‘I know what has happened, don’t tell me please, I’ll die.’ She spoke, I heard, my mouth was dry, I was shivering, a tear rolled out, I wipped it away as she turned to call the waiter. She laughed aloud when she saw with fidgeting with the fork. Wasn’t different this time, was it? I sat with my hands fixed on the keyboard, frozen, couldn’t move them even if I did. Like last time I prayed and pleaded that he’d suddenly surprise me saying it is all a prank and stupid big fat joke that everyone’s playing. A repeat of the same feeling I had at the coffee shop that day, I thought he’d jump out from behind the pillar and curse me for believing it, would tell me, ‘did you really think I’d do such a thing? You claim to be my friend, this is how much you know me?” and I’d tell him “Maybe the credit goes to her for putting it in such a believable way.” Nothing of that sort happened, not even this time. I question myself, why does it bother me so much? Isn’t it their life? Didn’t he tell you he’s just your friend? Even this time, didn’t he? Then why do you cry, you stupid person? I get a response, the lady in the locket says, ‘Maybe it IS the choices you make, that show who you truly are.” What it means, I can’t comphrehend at the moment and continue listening to coldplay, hoping sleep shall come and then when I wake up, I won’t be stuck in reverse anymore.

more than something

Sometimes you are caught between so many things, so many feelings, all of a different nature, you find yourself wondering how you landed up there, whether it was entirely your fault? Maybe it was, but maybe it was a just one of those cosmic strategies created to show you where you are, who you are and what is going on around you. You then take off the coloured glasses and there you have it, plain, just two colours, black and white. You then have to choose your side, for as alluring as the black side is, you know you will remain on the white. Yea all of us want to stay on the black end, wannabe blackies that we are, but well, you are what you choose to be, and you know that you'll never choose to be on the black end if you ever had to choose between black and white.
And somewhere in the background, the coors sing, 'Go on, go on, make me breathless..." you wonder why?
"Can you please come up sheetal??"
A sniff and a sad voice requests, as if out of desperation that comes about only when your're terribly distraught and have no where to go, or no one to call.
Empty blue chair, "In a minute"
The trauma, the pain, you see it but don't feel it, coz there's another surprize, full of hope of course waiting for u in a few hours... u've been there haven't u, those days when he didn't speak to u... when he said, "we should both take a break, we're always there, chatting and stuff, we need a break." (something similar atleast) and you walked into office with a heavy heart, as you sat there tears rolled and as weird as it was, no one noticed, you saw him online, but u sat there, quiet, short whimpers, that went unnoticed... scary days those were, weren't they?
"I want to go away. Just run away."
Stop. Don't smile. Yes you've said that a million times, you want to smile and remember those days, coz u assume that whatever he says will be happy and yay, like you know *evil laughter*
had u known then that a few hours and u'd be in a pathetic situation, would you have stayed there, talking and convincing her that all would be fine? would you have taken her into your arms and hugged her? just stayed there, holding her tight as she shivered and wailed, cried her heart out..?
but hugs...
"Help me find it, and i will hug you :P okay no, that's mean. I will hug you anyway but if you can help me, i'll hug you again."
HUH??? really? You actually said that?
oh yea u have soooo many things to say about that don't u. But maybe u shouldn't.
He sings, "How they dance in the courtyard, sweet summer sweat. Some dance to remember, some dance to forget..."
I just love the music that follows, just so so love it, I wish I could just erase everything and restart, can I?
Damn, there isn't one good song on my phone, that can sum up exactly what I want to say, what am i looking for?
"Honey, these are the moments that make me want to grab a smoke. It helps, helps you soo much. But I'm not letting you smoke."

"Sudeep, can I talk to u for a minute?"
"course, come sit. Got some time, huh? Tell me,"
"Why do you smoke? What does it do to you? How does it help?"
"*broad grin* is this something for a survey, your newsletter, an article for some newspaper... oh but ur with ibn now, so any hidden camera?"
"No man, just tell me i'm curious. I mean all u people who smoke know its injurious and all shit right, so then why do you smoke?"
"Its calms you down, its more like a destressor."

"You know beck, i've had many dreams where i see myself smoking."
"I've quit, i could help you with brands and stuff, but wait, no don't smoke."
"You know i won't but you know its just so ahm I dono what, i think i will..."

...Last thing I remember, I was
Running for the door
I had to find the passage back
To the place I was before
relax, said the night man,
We are programmed to receive.
You can checkout any time you like,
But you can never leave!
Wonderful wonderful... how do that do that. how can music be so so calming. It's the voice I was looking for, where words or their meanings don't matter too much, its the sound, his voice, the emotions that it stirs with you...

"We'll go for a nice dinner before you leave."

"She showed me this beautiful picture, so perfect."

"You waste your time with hate and regret
You're broken
When your heart's not open"

"But you're not going to meet me on wednesday right?"
"I'm doing nothing on wednesday. We can meet."
"But you said you're going to be packing and all?"
"No I think we can meet."
"Cool. We'll go for a movie and then we'll go to pascucci for lunch?"

"I didn't have balance,"
"You have a landline."
"You wanted me to message from a landline?"

Really, you actually said that? why did you do that?

"Sheetal, once i'm back, will you come by and stay with me for a few days, till I feel alright?"
"I will, I'll be there for u, don't worry, all will be fine."

Will it?

"No we've called it off. People at home are looking for some other proposals. I've told them I don't want to get married now, want to take a break."
"It'll all be fine."

Will it?

"Honey I haven't met him for over a week. Do you think he'll be there at coffee house?"
"Don't worry, he'll come by."

Really?

Why did this happen? Ashleyy, you didn't hint at any of it, nothing, just told me to stay away from relationships that hurt, that won't work out. I didn't listen to you.

"You were pissed, thats your problem!"
"You need to deal with it, it just won't go away. You have to deal with it."

what fun!

RIP MJ

From days when we spent evenings locked up in the room trying to get the moon walk right, to screaming ‘Beat it, beat it’ every single morning just to get the owner angry… I still remember those funny evenings when we’d dress up just like him and watch all his actions over and over again, getting photos clicked with the same styling like him… playing the audio cassette of thriller right in the morning and giving grandpa a shock… we literally grew up listening to all his songs didn’t we? I’ll miss you Jacko… :’(