When you're gone...

Ever faced a situation when two women tell you things that you are supposed to do and not supposed to do and both of them tell you completely opposite things?
What do you do then? Whatever you do, DO NOT let both of them know what the other said. This is probably the second time in 5 months that I feel stuck.
Two characters. Both independent, happy woman. both of them highly crazy! They have the best solutions but whom do you listen to?
The problem is that both of them have no clue about each others existence. They've never met, but know each others names, professions and purpose in life. Fortunately or unfortunately their top priority in life matches - GETTING MARRIED and living happily ever after. Well they've been living with the sweet-girl-next-door image but have given me death threats more than 50 times already. They're both highly violent and dangerously uncontrollable. While one gets drunk and says things like, "My lovely strawberry, I can't live without you..." the other is obsessed with fitness. She'll get dressed with her gloss and liner at 2 in the night to head to her gym and then suddenly realize that its only 2 and go back to sleep - after she has removed all the make up and applied moisturizer all over again. Its wonderful knowing both of them, but there are too many things you shouldn't do with them around, too much thinking, too much planning even before you decide to talk to them casually.
First thing you need to remember is to never discuss one when you are with the other. You might get strangled and killed and dragon sized nails will haunt your dreams forever. There are very good chances that you might end up drinking diet coke for the rest of your life too. However, there is an easier way to end your life, that involves minimum violence - simple, go to them with a problem. Damn these women should have a 'highly-life-threatening-pieces' board around their necks. The problem doesn't remain a problem anymore once it is destined to be heard in their court of law. Initially you might find their reactions hilarious, but trust me its a pain when you are forced to push it forward...
The problem is that both of them have a person they fantasize about, feel happy and sad about and you are always the second option, even when their guys are busy doing something else. Being in a relationship isn't fun. When they aren't trying to finish work and escape from office, they are working on assignments that are to be submitted next month, "I can spend more time with him if i'm done with this work now," apparently. That is understandable but cutting your me-time so u can make it us-time is the most irritating thing ever, maybe coz I fit in during their me-time. Everything becomes 'us' and 'we'. Oh we went to this place and we went to that place, we did this and we jumped in to the well. Damn it! They want to have wonderful dreams about their partners but have pathetically disturbed sleep all year round coz either they are fantasizing about what they want to do tomorrow or are planning how to lose 5 more kilos to keep their guy hooked to them forever and ever! Temporarily OCDed to their guy and their happy lives without any space for a loser someone who is forever depressed and writes weird stories that they don't have time to read.
Now they are going away forever and ever and will never have time to discuss anything with me anymore, both have finally decided that they are going to get married. One is off to Singapore on December 8th and the other will be leaving on December 9th. I’m sad, I dono what to do, should I feel sad that they’re leaving me forever, like ‘everyone’ else or happy coz they have finally achieved the purpose of their existence?
Shit its sad, I could call them at 2 in the night to share some gossip and talk to them about all kinds of non sense, now what do I do? This is so stupid! I hate it when people go away!!!

Forever random

Forever… she’d been thinking about that word for a long time now. Often she’d think about it, hoping that someday someone would walk up to her and tell her that they’ll be there forever. But now as she played with those small blue capsules, the word made no sense. “You can wait for a while,” the voice repeated. She ignored it, not for the first time. She’d been through this entire debate so many times now, that when anyone said ‘wait’ she’d get irritated. She stuffed the capsules in to the tiny grey bottle carelessly and took her bike keys. An ice cream would make it easier, she thought.

She put on the helmet and shut her face with the dark visor. Suffocated as she might feel, she wanted to do all those things that she had been avoiding for the last few days. But this time she’d go to all those places and get done with it forever. The cold drops hit her hard, but it went fine with the mood and the purpose.

So she turned on the bike and it killed the silence with the weird rattling noise. The cold air hit her hard and she knew she wanted to feel everything she’d never felt before. This feeling was different too, it was a sad feeling, a sense of loss, a meaningless walking awat… It was about pain and pain it would be, she decided. She didn’t wear a jacket or tie her hair up, more pain, more hatred, more easy to get over it. Hatred, that wasn’t the feeling but anyway. She turned the music on and the rain covered her visor, it was pouring really hard and she couldn’t see anything but she knew where she was going. Now she remembered all those hours she’d spent locked up in Room no 109, listening to Shobhana Ma’am go on about how some crazy author defined pathetic fallacy through his poetry to get the message across. Those pieces made sense now, those words made sense now. She had a small story emerging in her head already. Even before she’d completed the first line or decided what the plot would be, in her head, her hands wanted to touch a keyboard and she wanted to start writing the story. “Empty roads and bright lights, crying skies and slow music… it was perfect! When she was happy it’d rain and she’d dance, when she was sad, it’d rain and she’d cry… how did this happen? How did it matter.” She came to a screeching hault, she had to stop and still the music continued in her ear. The cops were staring into her face, two of them, big fat mostached men. She hated moustaches, she vaguely remembered having this discussion with him and smiled as she lifted the visor. It was over a month now and she still couldn’t remember what she told those big fat cops or how they let her go without checking her license or the looks they exchanged when they saw her all drenched, wearing a thin t-shirt. All that didn’t matter then anyway. So the first place she’d decided to go to was the very road she’d been scared to go to ever since the cursed day. As she entered the road, everything came back, it felt like the moment froze right there and she was drawn back to the day she rode there with him. A blurred combination of black and white memories, a big orange sign, a huge cup of coffee with a huger heart, the cluttered table, the huge wooden bangle and the thin straw, she smiled even as tears rolled down her face. This is why she never wanted to come here. But since the end was close she decided she’d cry all she could and then finally rest. The place where she would park her bike always, remained empty obediently and she got off, looking around taking in all the minor details she’d always miss. She stood ten feet away from the orange place and the door, waiting for the same excitement to hit her hard and do things in her stomach. Nothing happened, but she was filled with a strange hollow feeling. An emptiness that made her want to sit there and cry. “Why why why, this is not how it should have ended, it shouldn’t have ended!”

The road was empty and she remembered standing in the heavy rain for over ten minutes thinking about the same things again and againg. Somehow she felt drained already, she could do with some coffee, the same huge cup with the heart.

She walked in, pushing the door slowly. She did not want to enter, no…
No one stood behind the counter and no one gave her a welcoming smile. The place was empty and silent. Atleast the disgusting music wouldn’t disturb her. Disturb, she thought, what was she planning to do anyway? She could see them sitting there, he was in his white t-shirt and she wore her old beige overcoat. She sipped from the huge cup of coffee even as he explained something about some forgotten sandwich. She smiled and burst out, the lifeless old rusted guitar being the only witness, She sat there thinking of the day when conversations flowed from across the glass, each time she thought of that day, she had smiled so much that everyone noticed… Sometimes in random meetings at office and sometimes when she was riding and even when she was listening to her mom shout at her. No one came, no one told her to stop crying, she cried thinking about all those days and all those talks she’d had with him. All those times when something would happen and she’d make a mental note about telling him something or discussing something with him… SHIT she missed him so much! How was it possible? She always made a conscious effort to not get too close to anyone, she always made sure she wouldn’t get attached to anyone… when did this happen? Why did this happen?

Was this the end, would she never speak to him again? Had she lost him forever? She needed him so so much, wanted to tell him that he shouldn’t stop speaking to him… could she meet him just once, one last time to tell him to not make it the ‘last’ time. She didn’t want things to end, he was the only person who treated her like a true friend… he’d talk to her when she was low, he’d listen to her when she was excited, he’d talk to her even when there was nothing to talk about… what had she done? Why had this happened? So suddenly, after the best day she’d had in her entire life. Why why… why wouldn’t anyone answer?

She couldn’t take it anymore and as she walked out she saw them walking out too, she saw him walking away towards her bike, as she followed… she still didn’t know why he’d done that? Wasn’t that weird, the last time he’d ever meet her??? Was it? She was so scared of the word ‘last’ now… she was scared, very very scared. She couldn’t take that anymore, she left them searching for the keys, as she rode away without looking back…

She couldn’t forget the look on his face when she’d dropped him off that night, she wanted to hug him once, she didn’t want him to leave, he didn’t even say bye, he didn’t walk away, he didn’t turn his back on her, but didn’ say anything else either. He stood there looking at her, patted her and said something she couldn’t comprehend, she just stared at him… oh this shouldn’t have ended like this, she thought. She wanted to cry, cry really really badly… she couldn’t let him go, was this the last time she’d see him, last time ever? What about the million things she wanted to tell him? What about those things she’d planned? What about the nice happy days? They never came… they should have… she couldn’t remember how long she stood staring at him, she couldn’t leave like that… but it was all over. She truly did things she’d never done before. She hadn’t broken down like this for eight years now. Not in the middle of a busy street atleast. It was over? Only if she could undo the last three hours. Please please… could someone do something, she wanted to change it, erase it, control z, undo, rewind, nothing worked and it was all over. She cried, she didn’t know what made her cry more, his face that kept popping up in front of her, or the fact that nothing will ever be the same again, or that she’d have to go back online tomorrow and look at him and not talk to him, or that she couldn’t call him or message him or ever speak to him again… how would she explain things to anyone, would things change?

She was so helpless, she looked back and didn’t see him, passed the India coffee house, where did that come from? Why?

She didn’t know how she got there but she saw her soon-to-be-married-friend. She was waiting for her, waiting to know if everything was alright… Shriya told her that she had something really terrible to tell her… her mom was on her way to cancel her marriage, less than 20 days left, cards all printed and delivered to everyone… what does she do now? She heard her out and didn’t know what to do… what was more painful… what was more big? How does it feel being her… before Shriya noticed anything about her swollen eyes, the power went off. She was glad that happened as reliving the day would kill her if she wasn’t already dead. She told her it was all ok. Alteast one thing was right, Shriya said. She left the room to get some dinner, she couldn’t stay here anymore. So she left somehow, she didn’t remember anything… she knew Shriya was depressed already, besides, what would she tell her… She didn’t know anything herself. She rode back, taking the longer route coz she couldn’t stop her tears anymore, nothing seemed right. Nothing… She’d never been in this situation ever… worse yes but nothing like this.

She wanted to speak but whom could she speak to? Dipika was really busy and Shriya was depressed herself, the only two people she spoke to really. Why…

I looked away
Then I look back at you
You try to say
The things that you can't undo
If I had my way
I'd never get over you
Today's the day
I pray that we make it through

Make it through the fall
Make it through it all

[Chorus:]
And I don't wanna fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
I don't want to talk about it
Cuz I'm in Love With you

You're the only one,
I'd be with till the end
When I come undone
You bring me back again
Back under the stars
Back into your arms

[Chorus]

Wanna know who you are
Wanna know where to start
I wanna know what this means

Wanna know how you feel
Wanna know what is real
I wanna know everything, everything

[Chorus without last line]

[Chorus]

I'm in love with you
Cuz i'm in love with you
I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you

A friend. Really?

A friend... Who would u call a friend?
What about a person would make you call him/her a friend?
Ok so he/she knows a lot about you so does he become a friend? I know a lot about Sushmita Sen, Shah Rukh Khan and APJ Abdul Kalam, so do they become my friends?
Or would you call someone your friend because ur comfortable being urself whenever he/she is around?
What should a friend ideally do when I feel sad/happy/depressed/excited?
Should he/she listen to me and understand what i'm going through or should he/she start advising me even before i've completed what i want to say?
Should he/she avoid talking about things that really really hurt me, however trivial it may be or should they just mention it to see my reaction/pull my leg whatever?
Some things are depressive, really really really depressive and when a friend knows that, they SHOULD NOT mention it, not even jokingly! It ruins ur mood and u go in to a different world.
So then who is a friend? Someone whom you speak to/meet everyday? or someone whom you keep in touch with in spite of work?
Does talking/knowing whats going on in each others lives/meeting make you friends?
Does a friend call you 'shorty' or 'bitch'?
What do you do when your trying too hard to remain in touch with someone but the person doesn't care a shit about you and what should you do when someone you think is a friend doesn't bother about you? Do you continue making the effort, assuming that he/she will surely respond back someday? What do you do when you bump in to someone who was a really really good friend a few years back and now he/she doesn't even remember u?
Why do people change so soon? How is it possible that once upon a time you hugged and called each other best pals and now the very same person makes a face when you say 'Keep in touch, its so nice to see you after so many years.'
Next thing. Do you have any expectations from your friends? Is it right to expect something from him/her? Is it ok to hug a friend? Is it ok to expect him/her to hug you with the same feeling, a feeling of joy at seeing him/her after so many days (yeah, it might be just two days or two weeks), when he/she wins something, when he/she is planning to get married, when he/she brings u a chocolate? Any point at all? Nothin makes sense anymore and nothing ever will, no one cares and no one ever will, no one is ur friend and no one will ever be, maybe you don't need a friend, but maybe you do. For now its all black, just black and blahh! There isnt a point of existence, why should u exist? Why take the pain of waking up everyday, doing some non sense, writing some jazz crap and bothering to keep in touch, making an effort to talk to people, liking someone, planning something out, sharing things, hating people, drinking coffee, taking calls, making calls, bothering to be nice when u want to shout your head off, assuming that one day it'll all be fine, it will be a rosy world someday, when everything will fall in place.
Some shit!
Well the conclusion is this: When you are trying too too hard to change a certain feeling, something you really really feel for someone and it isn't happening... Just wait, a very small thing might happen, something that will change everything! Something small that will bring about the biggest change in your life, and then you won't be sad about it. You'll be happy things changed. You'll be happy that you won't have to make an effort or feel guilty, you might/might not hate the person, but you'll surely not miss him/her anymore!

Don't read it if ur looking for somethin sensible!!!

I just couldn resist putting this up. Its probably the stupidest observation ever but still...
Ok this is something I noticed at my workplace. Nothing personal against anyone...but shit its hilarious! What would you do if u desperately want to get married?
Ok lets analyse the question... hmmm
so well it depends on WHY u want to get married, but would u watch a video of someone getting married? like actually in the marriage hall while the pujari guys actually chanting those thing and fantasise about getting married?
DUDE!!! Some people need to get a life! shit!!! Generation gap! I still can't beleive this?

It's all a cycle a complicated cycle that u need to come out of, no one will help you and no one will care and no one will say that they'll stand by you for the rest of your life. That is not possible. Relationships, I might have absolutely no experience and yet will have enough experience that would last a life time reminder to not even get close to thinking about being in one.

So what does one do when they are sad about something and there’s no one they can talk to about why they’re sad. Actually sad is a funny word, expectations, hopes, relationships, love, hatred, life, happiness and all of it – I hate them, all of them. Everything is sad. And nothing is sad. There is nothing called sad and nothing called happy. It’s all black.

There has to be a picture for the blah feeling. This is the longest i’ve felt so blah. And the worst part is that its so difficult to define it, its just so weird.
Anyway this is not the purpose of this post (that i've been planning for over an eternity now)
I'm in two minds about what the most important thing of the week was, there are two crucial things that happened. First - I'm quitting Deccan Herald and joining Deccan Chronicle and Second - I've finally spoken about a million things that were hiding somewhere deep down. Both have left a deep impact and are extremely conflicting experiences. Since I haven't really been able to understand and analyse what the actual feelings are, I won't go in to explaining the feelings just yet.
But briefly, quitting isn't an easy job. Phew...it took me all the courage in the world to go up to my boss and tell her that I've decided to leave. Not because of any personal issues (which were many if you really come to think of it) but its more because this was my first job, my first experience of working in an organizational set up, a place where I had to sort my issues out - all by myself, where my decisions were left to me, a place where I learnt a few important lessons of life and a place where i've made a few sensible friends - at office and via gtalk. So the sentimental fool that I am, I don't feel ashamed of saying that I will really miss this place, my computer, the coffee, the sensible conversations with so many people who've come here from different places. People who've guided me, people who've misguided me, people who've tried to pull me out of problems, people who've tried to put me in trouble, people whom i've shared a joke with, people who've shared jokes with me, people whom I spoke to over evening coffee, people whom I made fun of, people who made fun of me, people who told me that i'm a stupid kid who knows nothing, people who said they see the spark in my eye, people who said I'm just a stupid hyper chick and people who told me that they haven't seen someone being so endlessly passionate about their work, people whom I went to, to get some advice, people who came to me for advice, people who made the most amazing puliogray ever and people who agreed that the best thing about DH is the canteen (which serves the most amazing food for so cheap - Rs. 35 per month). So well yeah I'm going to be missing everything big time, but one has to move on and so will I probably. The new office isn't far and I don't have a clue about the work environment there - which is good in a certain way coz surprizes are always interesting, disappointment isn't (no I can't be all positive and think it'll all be perfectly fine) But i'm in for the surprize/dissapointment whatever it is - coz challenges are damn interesting and this is a big gamble, it sure won't be easy, but won't be that difficult...
Wasn't I not suppose to elaborate on the feeling??? :P

Anyway the second big event of the week, well I think sometimes, ONLY sometimes its ok to discuss stuff with someone you can trust. Its all weird coz you don't know how the person is reacting but then in this case I'm glad I was speaking to someone who isn't a narrow minded fool who looks at things only in a certain way.
For now, its a wait and watch situation and just something more important to find out, so will complete this post later.

I wonder and I wonder

What do you do when your sad to death?
Whom do you talk to?
Can you possibly explain all that you are going through to someone at all?
Is it possible that this someone will even understand?
Is it ok if this someone looks at it differently and doesn't understand the unfairness of the situation?
What do you do when you really really hate a person? Why do you say that you hate the person, when it is what she/he does that you actually hate?
Why do you hate it?
Do you hate it because its evil and nasty? Or do you hate it because whatever happened pises you off? Or do you hate it because its unfair?
Do you not like it when it happens to you only coz it happens to you? Or do you not like it when it happens to you and not the others?
Why are people unfair?
Why is there so much of partiality?
Why do ass-lickers get better stuff than those who choose to stay neutral?
Why can't you listen to the songs that you want to, when you want to?
Why do people choose to ignore your work just because you choose to work honestly instead of socialising and screaming in office?
Why does everyone hate you so much when you get a page one byline?
Why can't you just be yourself and still be happy?
Why can't people just leave you alone?
Why can't you just run away in the jungle, without anything or anyone?
Why can't things just pause when you want them to?
Why do you question?
Why so many why's?
Why no answers?
Why a start?
And why a conclusion?
Why a thought?
And why an action?
Why a feeling?
And why neutrality?
Why love?
And why none of it?
Why hatred?
And why more of it?
Why this sky?
And why no end to it?
Why the stars?
And why their death?
Why this life?
And why no end to it???
Why me?
And why... this nonsense?

They call it 'Hakuna Matata'

There are a few things in life we feel, and feel only once. No feeling lasts too long... it keeps changing. So if you liked a person once upon a time, then the feelings might have surely taken a different form now. Ofcourse there are a few relationships you’ll build where the feelings will remain unperturbed come what may, like the respect you have for a teacher who taught you certain important lessons, then there is the relationship between the landlady and your family that is a hate-hate relationship. The other obvious relationships, boss-emplyee (love-hate) not-so-good friends, collegues, acquaintences, orkut friends, irritating forward senders, the watchman, the waiter at Mc Donalds blah blah blah...
The point I’m trying to make is that I always tried to avoid contemplating such issues, these things are damn tricky, feelings I mean. Instead of understanding the real feelings I always took the easiest way out, always stereotyped them. Its either “I love this” or “I hate this.”
Course there is the typically me, “I don’t care” too but that is just the thing I say when I feel all blah. And that’s the case with a lot of people. They brand people based on two things:
1. How well you know them.
2. How are they useful to you.
So the idea is that you rarely try to understand people and find out how much they mean to you. Your feelings towards the person might be something completely different than what you might be labeling it. So it all boils down to one thing - We are living life for the heck of it, but there are a few people, very few, who ‘experience life’. It seems to be something too easy to say, but its hell difficult to become someone like that. Our ‘hammered-with-stereotypes’ mind throws up a question, “Why should we even bother understanding stuff?” Well, you wouldn’t know unless you experience something like it. I’ve came across a few people who actually understand and think about issues too deeply. Its weird but its amazing to do that. Do not try to find a single point I’m making through this post, I’m making multiple points or maybe none, you'll never know coz nor will I.
I always thought that things happen to you because you make them happen for you, I still believe that is the case, but in the process of ‘making things happen for yourself’ you generally forget certain basic things, certain things that you underestimate, certain intircaies of unsaid things, a few things that are often easy to misunderstand or just that they are too complicated to understand.
For the past few days I’ve been fighting this inner battle, trying to switch names on certain relationships, either trying to tag hatred as love, or tagging love as friendship and its too too tough. So all I did all day was listen to certain blues that made me feel worse and made me cry (again making things happen) and then I don’t know what happened and I had this weird flashback and I remembered somethin someone said about how I’m just lying to myself. SHIT! although obviously I denied it, tried not to think about it, ignored the comment, did all I could - but I couldn’t get it out of my head. I’ve always kept saying things to myslef. Always. Without really realising what I’m saying, never pondered over anything, never made time for trivial things (like relationship with family, neighbours, acquaintances, friends). Lying to someone else is bad, but its atleast ok when compared to what I’ve been doing, I’ve been lying to myself about a lot of things. Lots of very important things. Leading a life full of contradictions. When I loved someone and I knew it wouldn’t work out, I told myself that its actually not love, its friendship, and when I hated somone, I told myself that its not actually hatred that I feel but a certain dislike. I’ve always repeated these lies to myslef, assuming that it is THE truth. This was followed by an entire process of convincing myslef that it is the truth and when that din’t happen the pain and distress that followed was doubled by the sense of loss that occupied me. The healing process then begun, with another lie, that it wasn’t meant to happen, there is more in store, more good things to come and all jazz. But this realization - that its not a great idea to lie to yourself about your feelings brought about a whole new experience. Everytime I tried to understand my feelings about the most important relationships in my life, there were some 50 million questions that came about.
I always thought that I hate all my relatives, the truth is I don’t understand hatred. I keep saying the word, but I don’t understand these things - love, hatred or anythin. Its not my relatives or my home that I hate but the circumstances that really are irritating.
Then I thought I love him, but then what is love? How do you know its love when you haven’t experienced anything of that sort?I’ve felt similar things for different people at different points of time in life, but that time I din’t call it love, then now why am I calling it love?
Possibility 1: Maybe because I’ve never come across someone with such a powerful personality, someone who is so sure about so many things, someone who made me question so many things that I’ve been basing my life on. But why is it love? What is love? Does is exist at all? Its shit complicated to understand love!
Possibility 2: Maybe because I had a small stupid crush on him when I was 13 something. Too early to understand anything. And now after 8 years I spoke to him agian. But thats unlikely because I liked so many people when I was young (celebrities and others) but when I met them now, I din’t feel anything of this sort.
Possibilty 3: Maybe it is love, maybe we were destined to meet/speak, Maybe all this was supposed to happen, maybe someone sitting up there wrote this for me. But again what is the evidence that there is someone sitting up there who writes destinies? Anyway it is possible and it isn’t. The famous DTPH talk doesn’t really make sense really.

Conclusion:After a lot of questioning, a detailed analysis of the brain and the heart, too many sad songs, a whole week of sleepless nights, unlimited coffee and many tears, I’ve concluded that I’ve been misunderstanding a lot of stuff. I’ve been stereotyping many relationships and their fates, generalising a lot. Its time to put an end to it and if I continue it will only be going back to old times, which is terrible. Last night came as a relief, I don’t know what happened and how it all fell in place, everything I’ve been ignoring, suddenly made sense, like I found the missing piece of a jigsaw puzzle, I was looking for it everywhere and I found it in the place I was least expecting. Now I have, to an extent understood a lot of stuff and I feel so relieved, a certain calm, a weird feeling of tranquility, amidst all the commotion that I’m physically surrounded by. Its like the end of an era, an end to a busy day at work, a tiring day that took away all my energy, like the first time butterscotch ice cream feels when you finally eat it after weeks of craving, like the hot air coming from your hairdryer dries all the wet hair and the peace you feel as your body hits the soft bed and sleep - that has been eluding you for an entire week whispers something in your ears and your eyes close magically. The black enchantress plays her seductive flute and drags you deep in to her world full of dreams, a world where there isn’t anythin to do, a place where everything pleasant happens, a place where you smile, laugh even, wholeheartedly, where there isn’t any feeling of loss, no fear, no anxiety, no insecurity, because there isn’t any feeling, no emotions, just a world full of dreams, illusive realities that linger in the now - empty corridors of your mind.
A perfect example of wavering from the topic :) This realisation has caused me a lot of pain but now I’m glad that I atleast understand stuff thats happening within. I'm a different person, from what I was a few weeks back. Its weird, but its true - I feel all elated, all happy, like a victory over something that generally is ununderstandable. And I'm glad I made the effort. I feel like I'm sitting on the highest cloud, singing something like 'Hakuna Matata.'

Perfect!

Certain feelings are so weird, actually not certain but feelings in genral are really weird. You can’t understand them, but sometimes you feel pain, hatred, love and the likes and the worst part is that its always so tough to understand stuff, you feel bad about something but you don’t know what the reason is. You are hurt or pissed or depressed but you can’t figure out the real reason behind these feelings.
And thats when you get a mail, messge or some random way through which these quotes pop up in front of you just out of the blue. And whats more, they make perfect sense... so here they are, they not only make you contemplate certain issues but they word unexpressible feelings perfectly.

This is the best one...
“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.”
- Jim Morrison
(American Poet and Singer. Member of the American band The Doors and one of rock music's mythic figures. 1943-1971)

This is brilliant...
“I would much rather have regrets about not doing what people said, than regretting not doing what my heart led me to and wondering what life had been like if I'd just been myself.”
- Brittany Renée
(English Author and Dancer, b.1986)

Before we move on to the best one, read this. So true...
“If only. Those must be the two saddest words in the world.”
- Mercedes Lackey

Calling this one perfect, would be an understatement! Its too too good...
“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”
- Neil Gaiman
(English born American Novelist, Journalist, Screenwriter, Children's author and Comics writer of American Gods, amongst many others, b.1960)

Randomness

Its the saddest I’ve felt so far, i’m so so sad. I can’t think right, I can’t do anythin, its all so boring, I’ve lost interest in everything. I’ve always felt like this whenever I got too close...
I know it won’t work out, I always know, but I still try. I’m too scared off everything, I hate the stupid questions that keep popping up. These things scare me like crazy. I don’t like the feeling.
Why does this have to happen?
why do we have to have feelings?
why do we have to feel these things?
why can’t we just be indifferent to everything?
why can’t we be neutral about things?
why can’t we just not be born?
why can’t we just die whenever we want to?
why is it that all of us have to go through all this?
why can’t life be all bland, drab and boring?
I’ve so lost the link, the flow...its all gone. I can’t write my stories anymore, nothing! Writing doesn’t help, it never did, but now it doesn’t come. I try writing and it doesn’t happen. I don’t like it when people go away, I don’t like it when they come back and I hate it when it gets all boring too, it doesn’t make sense, but anyway nothin ever does. I think its the dementia praecox but what if it is, and what if it isn’t? Big deal...
Its all blur, I try to see what it is that is somewhere ahead of me, its there, I want to see, but may be I don’t.
Its all crap - the work, writing, feeling, thinking, talking, eating, this life, death...its all so crappy. Its no big deal...! But maybe it is...
I'm just so so... I dono what. Whatever it is, I don't like it. I like the old me, I hate this constant battle. This battle with the inner voice, I hate thinking about it, all along its been a stupid reality, its just an illusion actually, like the deer...it eludes you whenever you try to get closer and then its gone forever, to never return, it doesn't happen consciously, but it does happen... but wait a minute.. doesn't all this happen coz I make this happen for me...actually thats the problem, I try to make things happen...maybe I should, maybe I shouldn't. I dono. The inner voice lies, I dono whom to ask. No one to answer, no answers maybe, maybe they are like the deer who runs away whenever u try to get closer. The point is that u shudn't try... its never worth it. Maybe sometimes it is but still.
People always say they want to become children again, they love childhood and those days, they miss the point always.

so much to say, so less time

I tried and tried, but couldn't post anything all week. Not that I was super busy or din't have anything to write about but I just couldn't get in to the right frame of mind. Everytime I opened blogger and clicked on new post, the page obediently opened and the keyboard yearned for the touch of my fingers (I know thats super hilarious) but I couldn't put I just couldn't word everything well.
However, its a Saturday (again) and I've had loads to do (yea inspite of it being a weekend!!!) so I've been hell busy for the last three days...what with the damn fitness schedule, events, interviews and a lot of melodrama at office. Lots has changed since the last time I posted and probably everything is bound to change evenmore.

The biggest pain:
The biggest thing that happened was the argument with Becky. It pised me out totally. Haven't been so stressed out in the past month. It is the silliest thing we could have an argument on, something that she has to learn. I feel so stuck between both the relationships. Its not that I become a different person with both of them, I'm always myself they look at me differently. Its weird and stupid and the entire thing is totally psyching me out!
First: Being judgmental is bad, not that I am not. I'm as they call it 'goddess of generalizations' but jumping to conclusions without even knowing another person is bad. Idiotic, in other words.
Second: WE are 'supposed' to be mature people. And if you feel so bad about something as stupid as this, then atleast you shouldn't make it so obvious. I mean get a life people!!!
Third: I think this is the stupidest thing I've put up on my blog...Yes, it even beats the crappy things I've put up about my incomplete crushes/ infatuations/ love whatever!

Anyway moving on...

The next thing that happened this week was the Interview with Dr. Kalam. I received weird responses to this one. From "Who's APJ?" to "I'm so proud of you!" (No, that wasn't any family member. They just said "oh, ok!") It was a few friends and classmates.
He remembered and I'm just happy coz its the second time I did it and coz the happiness that my boss reflected when I told her about it was really good. I could sleep that night without having to worry about the work next day(not that I anyway do, but the guilt atleast gives me a reason to wake up every morning and get to work :P)

Next...

The 'moving on' is finally happening and the conscious reminders are helping. I've decided that it makes no sense (as he puts it) to "categorize all significant relationships as something romantic." I've been thinking and thinking about this and it actually makes sense. It is hard, really really tough and almost seems like I'm cheating myself, but somethings are never meant to be., and the article I did on break ups really helped. I only hope I can really get over him totally. It would be a lie to say that I'm not trying (as 'D' keeps saying) coz I'm really making the effort. Everytime something he said crosses my mind I always get myself busy and its really hurting , I cry and cry but I have to move on. And I hope the fitness thing helps.


Which brings me to the last thing that really made this week eventful...
Getting back to swimming
People at home think I'm just a loser and people at work think that I'm doing it to impress someone. Others think I'm jobless and some have even told me that I so can't do it. Generally the feedback I've received for this decision of mine has been negative. There were a few who called to say that this is the right time to get back and some others (Read: Coach) had a tear in their eye when I told them that. Its three days and I've had to pay for that one damn tear!
I mean 10 kms isn't a damn joke. I couldn't get up from the bed when I returned, it was only when my mom said that I could stay back and help her cook food and clean up my room that I got up to go to office! Torture!
Well Day one, I was FOUR hours late and since then I've had to run 10 kms.
Day two, running 5 kms and a lot of disgusting kind of exercises. The obscene-st of the lot were the crunches. When I was told I had to do them I was so happy that 5 kms were being reduced but shit these crunches are the worst things ever. I rather run 15 kms than do 10 crunches everyday. (A little exaggeration is allowed)
Day three: I couldn't be more dead! Shit! I hate hate hate doing crunches.
Day four is tomorrow. If I don't ever post anything after this, consider me dead and do send in your condolences (not that anyone cares)

Anyway this is it. Nothing else bloggable happened this week so I'm just going to end this post here.
OHH and I have to mention this, the song of the week: Yellow by cold play and Romeo and Juliet by Dire Straits, both proved good competition to the song that has won - 7 things I hate about you by Miley Cyrus. I loved this song, she's ok but the lyrics make a lot of sense. However, Dire Straits was the heights of romantic-ness ;)

I dono what to call it!

Apparently 21 years back I was born on this day, its this festival we have today (21 yrs back it was on 15th aug! Whateve!) where we are forced to eat only cold food! Well thats another reason I was named 'cold' or Sheetal. Only I'm just the opposite - I get angry very soon, I think people are mean and I get offended too often! Anyway otherwise I'm cool with a lot of things. Oh yea and I'll speak to people and be myself with them only if I like them! Anyway thats not the purpose of this post. Actually I dono the purpose of this post, I just got bored working on the articles and got bored eating cold food at work (when there's yum food downstairs) so I tot I'd visit my cute lil blog and write something!
Ok its a Saturday, end of the very long mixed week. I could safely tag this week as the worst I've had but for a few things that happened here and there.
I spoke to a few people I din’t imagine I’d speak to ever again in my life.
I went to Mc.Donald's with the biggest wannabe ever created.
I went to Mc.Donald's and DIN’T have a burger.
I drank the biggest hugest glass of coke which never got over. The after effects were terrible tho (esp riding back home with a full sac, Oh its bad)
I went to Mc.Donald's at 10:30 pm only to have a burger and spoke to deeksha about things that I’ve never spoken about. (was fun tho...)
I had the creamiest yummiest coffee ever. A barista special :)
(Why can I only talk about food!!!?)
And I spoke to him about a few things that I can’t imagine discussing with any other guy.
Fought with Navin!!! For the first time in my life! About how it really is love.
Ate the amazing est chocolate at the Windsor manor and I dono what it was called. (here I go again...)
Finished watching all the DVDs I bought on my b day - thats a lifetime record. (Sandy and reb come home and take them)
Ah din’t speak to a few people and din’t do a few things that I should have done.

All in all the only thing that really made the week special was a small conversation with someone I really really love (‘him’), a few things that were said unintentionally but made me smile nevertheless. :) Oh I so so so love him...

But hang on...wasn’t this week supposed to be the worst week I’ve had??? ;)

So irritated!

Its been like the worst day ever! I dono why but a lot of things.
1. I wanted to listen to 'Fix you' so so so badly but my damn phone had no memory space. I even deleted 'truly madly deeply' but still there wasn't any space! I hate my phone!
2. Th net was down the ENTIRE day, I mean the whole day!!! How do you work? I completed only two articles, I planned and planned all night to complete three! One more for tomorrow.
3. I was so hungry, but I din't go down. Not my fault! I sat with deeksha for a while (ten mins) and I got back and the boss thinks I was away for 45 mins!
4. The quark copy dispatch server chose to fall flat when I was 5 minss away from completing and sending my article! So the status was, I sent my article and the boss left! So the count is one article.
5. The person I don't want to meet comes to meet me!!!

it lingers on...

Its such a disgusting life, when you have to wait and wait! Everyone laughs around me and I give them a very lame smile. They are overjoyed about something, something that I don’t know and something that I don’t care about. I feel so bad about something, there’s this sinking feeling inside I don’t know why. Everyone is talking about someone, discussing her dress and the way she talks and what she writes..., I’m lost.

I hate this cycle, I mean I always get close to people and they ALWAYS leave me and go away...even if they don’t go, they are around but they don’t really bother. I hate it, Its always the same story, the same damn cycle. It starts, it happens and then I say and its all calm for a while, but then all of a sudden it vanishes, goes away, its all over, the loneliness hits me hard and it traps me. I’m gripped between the worst moments of my life... forever. And I’ll be trapped forever. I can’t get out, I’m trying and trying but I can’t get out.

And more QUESTIONS

Sometimes you are just so so irritated with so many things that you don’t notice the small tiny things that happen around you. On second thoughts, these things aren’t really small. In the busyness of your life, you don’t notice that you are drifting away from certain otherwise important relationships! Its sometimes good, when the person really doesn’t mean much to you but what if the person and you shared a good relationship before? What do you do then? Do you just let go, hoping that things will fall in place after a while OR do you make that effort to sort out things? Do you question yourself about why YOU make that effort and not him/ her? Is it possible for you to keep the ego apart and sort things out? Can you forget everything and move on? Is it possible to MOVE ON at all? But why should you move on when you like the person? Why do you always get carried away? Is it possible to love someone? Can you love someone and be loved too, is it possible? Why do people generally get bored? Why do people generally categorize you based on what you say and not on what you are?
Is it possible for me to stop questioning?

I hate this feelin

I hate this post-that state when u wait and wait and wait and nothin happens. Why don't people bother? Don't they bother about anythin? I mean it doesn make sense, its really really stupid!
its almost like its all over...over and will never come back, nothin will ever happen. I don't want to feel the pain, but I have to. I don't want to feel bad about it all, but its all just flooding my emotions. I hate this, hate this so much that I can't hold my tears now, I don't care who's looking and I don't bother answering when they question 'what happenend?' I don't want anyone around, why isn't it possible that I just close my eyes and everything around me just fades away? I want to stay alone
To stay away from everyone!
But now I want some answers, some very very precise and frank answers!
and I want the answers right from the horse's mouth. I mean there's a limit to everything
I'm going mad with those terrible dreams of her and him and her again! Its almost like the things Ron saw when he was supposed to kill the thing in the locket! I mean what the hell, why me!
I hate this phase and I want to get rid of this feeling.
Moreover, its all my fault I shouldn try and go back in time. She kept saying "let the past be PAST. don't try to do things that would ruin ur present!" and I kept retorting, "I love him."
But this is not fair at all! I hate this and I want a damn answer!!!

Everythin was fine, what happened now? why all this? I never asked for anythin? where did all that warmth go? how did it fade away just like that? Why this moving apart? why this separation? Why this withdrawing? Why the invisibility? Why the hide and seek? I hate hate hate this!!!

and it happened!

He asked, What is it that you want for your birthday?
She smiled...
Don't fear, just tell me...
She whispered, can you give me what Ginny gave Harry on his 17th birthday?
Can we make it a night to remember?
Can we sit here smiling at each other forever and ever?
Can you reflect the same warmth that I hold in my eyes?
Can we just sit here forever...?
He stood up
and turned,
He went away... to never return back.
He was gone... even before the dewy droplet left her eye...
He’d never return, never come back., never look back and see her sitting there waiting for him to turn.
She wanted to run, to shout out his name, to stop him, plead and tell him she won’t ask for anythin again. Maybe he’ll return... but maybe he won’t!
She din’t want anythin more than him, her world was shattered and tears rolled down her fair cheek. She wanted to forget him, wanted to get up and run away...run away to nowhere,
She wanted to cry and wail over her lost love... She couldn’t!
She just sat there and eternity dawned and she sat waiting for him to return, waiting for him to come back, waiting for him to come back and tell her its all a joke, waiting for him to promise that he’s always going to be there for her...
She waited thinking that the impossible might happen and he never came, he never turned to look back...how could he be so heartless?
is it wrong that she wants to love him?
is it wrong that she loved him more than anyone, anythin ever?
is it wrong that she had promised her life and death unto him?
is it wrong that she wanted to sit there waiting for him to return, take her in to his arms and kiss her like no one’s ever kissed her?
is it wrong that she waited while the tears kept rolling down?
She had no hope, no dream, no life left...she was dead!

can I...

Do stars listen to you?
Can you swing from one star to the other?
Is it possible for you to eat chocolate all day without feelin guilty?
Can you eat butterscotch icecream all day and still have cravings for more?
Can you go to juhu beach everyday and eat the yummmm chat and pav bhaji there?
Can you stop talking about food when you know that all you get for dinner is dal, rice, rasam and sometimes the yum papad?
Can you change the topic whenever you want to?
Can you have a ‘tropical iceberg’ or ‘iced eskimo’ everytime you go to coffee day?
Can you always pull his cheeks and tell him that he’s sooooo cute?
Can you stop thinkin about what he might feel if you say somethin?
Can you tell him how much you love him everytime he says ‘hello’ or goes away for dinner?
Can you stop thinkin about him while riding or while sleepin under your blanket or while ur alone or while ur eatin or while ur workin or while ur writin this?
Can you stop smiling thinkin about somethin sweet that he said?
Can you stop smiling thinkin about the sweet nothings that he said?
Can you stop smiling thinkin about the things he might say?
Can you smile back from the computer?
Can you stop blushin when someone mentions him?
Can you stop saying weird things when he speaks?
Can you stop drifting away purposely?
Can you jump and hop between the clouds and skip and dance on the moon?
Can you hug someone you love really really tightly and feel the person’s presence?
Can you always, between breaks or when your alone, repeat his name in the silence and see how it sounds?
Can you see, touch, feel and express love?
Can you please please once get a chance to express your feelings, to tell the person that its really really him, that you totally are in love with him and that you can’t stop thinking about him and probably stuff some chocolate in to his mouth so he can’t say somethin mean like ‘I can’t reciprocate your feelings’?
Can you say somethin funny that makes him smile?
Can you just make things work for yourself?
Can you just stop asking things and acting weird and thinkin about things that might not happen?
Can you please give up hope?
Can you please stop this?
Can you please eat a butterscotch icecream?
Can you please not smile and cry at the same time?

In lonely hours...

Last nite I was lying down, the night air brushing past my face from the open windows behind me. I stare at the starless sky, the moving clouds, the dark sky...somewhere above there he sits, he who has so many answers. What would I not give to spend some time with him, ask him so many questions about why I have to not know how it will all end... the phone rings, hope its him, please let it be him, please please...its not!!! Stupidness thrown at my face from the glowing damn phone.

Is duniya mein dost kam milenge,
Is duniya mein gam hi gam milenge,
Jaha duniya najar fer legi,
Us mode par tumhein ham milenge

What the fuck! AND this comes from this weirdo whom I haven spoken to since the past 10 years!!! do u get the irony?
Anyway so thats it, the phone goes below the pillow and the sky gazing continues...every night I noticce a new thing, a new realisation...that happens when I talk to him too, my mind says. shhh I say, thats it I've seen it...I'm trying to figure out what it exactly is.
The phone rings...I hope its him, shit atleast this time...please god please. The phone, shit I can't find it...damn NOT AGAIN. oh, its just her. so blah... I mean she thinks I'm in love...'blah' I reply...First mistake: Never say blah to someone who's trying to help.
The phone rings just the next minute, shit! I don't even wanna pray its him coz its not going to happen. Its a bomb the ranting continues...my eyes wander from the message.

Im looking for something, can't find it...oh stop - what am I looking for? I don't know.
Why? Why always? Everytime...Its not fair!
"Life never is!"
who's it?
"Its me...I'm right here you can't see me but I know...I always know."
Tell me, tell me please...give me the answers
"Oh you will know everything when the time comes..."
Shit she's reading my thoughts!!!
Tell me no...please u can't do this to me!
"haha...stop acting like a baby. and please get a life, stop asking about the same things always...he's bored now."
He's bored? Who's bored? Damn can't anyone EVER give me straight answers?
"God! He's bored with your silly questions, he sent me here to remind you that your wasting your time, get started on doing something worthwhile. My personal opinion - get a life and stop being an ass! I mean there are just so many others, why ask for someone who doesn't even bother about you."
shut up and leave me alone. Who asked you to give me your opinion?
"Ungrateful humans!!!"
watever, now jus go! I'd rather not have you give me ur nonsense.
"I'm supposed to stay with you...forever, to guide you and help you with your problems. He sent me, who wants to stay with a nasty little pig like you anyway. I mean look at your room...clothes, books, papers, cds, pens...yuck! And 'Ms.I-will-do-something' wants to change the world. Listen to me, the change starts hear, SETTLE YOUR ROOM FIRST, we'll think about the world later, hahaha."
Patience...keep quiet...avoid...don't bother...its all a dream...she's not here....she din't say that...SHIT she said that!!!
U DAMN BITCH! GET OUT, I DON'T CARE!!! I DON'T NEED YOU. I DON'T NEED ANYONE...I have a mother who yells about all that jazz anyway. JUST GO!!!
"whatever!!! Have a good sleep. oh I forgot, the pig doesn't feel sleepy nowadays, another problem I need to solve huh??? and she shouts like she doesn't need me... oh now she cries...awhhh my little nasty baby!!!"

Please please I hope she's gone...shit if she's around I'm going away...
"Empty threats again?"
I don't care, who are you?
"Me, well I'm...ah you can call me GOD, if you want."

Peace out

Friday night was really fun, what with three really good music events happening in the city and although I was assigned to cover just two of them, the third one was something interesting so I went and I wasn’t disappointed, still it was just OK - nothing fascinating...
Anyway so I leave office at around 8 pm walk down to Sphaira and am looking for the PR guy. Guess who I find there - JD with two of his other friends, weird thing I thought coz he isn’t a big metal person. Hmmm so the event wasn’t going to be boring after all. Anyway I did the interviews, the guys were all nice - who isn’t when your getting free publicity. Anyway so they were all decent, nice and excited about the event. (If there’s one thing that I love about interviews, it is this - the interviewee is always excited to tell me his/her story, to answer all my questions and wants to tell me all about his/her life. I love that! Talking to people, knowing them and listening to their stories/ideas/perceptions. Anyway so these guys were so energetic and excited that for a change I din’t blame myself for the animated discussions. It was good knowing all of them. They kept telling me about their kind of music and how they compose their tracks. I love talking to the guys who write the lyrics, its always nice to get to know the story behind all those songs that people are going to enjoy.
OK so here goes, Ston’d went first - good vox, but the band as a whole were just OK.
Next were Corrode - well, the band looked pretty decent. Good tracks. Brilliant Vocals, I actually loved the effect that this band created. Experience and exposure would do the trick for them.
Spitfire went next, they were too good. Their’s was the only performance that got me off my feet (OK yeah I was sitting) and got me headbanging (inspite of the ‘oh-you-are-a-journalist-and-are-reviewing-the-performances-so-you-can’t-enjoy’ briefings that I was given by...ah lets just say colleagues and friends). I loved Vibhas (Drums), he was mind-blowing!
Slain went next and the crowd loved them. Especially for the vocalist. Judah, nice guy - His ideas about the kind of music they write was what struck me really. Interesting young band, have a good crowd support and are sure to make it big someday.
OK this is where I made a mistake - JD and Bharath (JD’s friend, who hates metal and loves hip-hop and was here I dono why-must be the beer) dragged me to the place where the bands were playing - we were standing right in front of the damn speakers and by the time slain got done I was shocked that I still had that thing bulging off my neck!!!
That's it I was done at sphaira. Could take no more and so we left and although the guys wanted to accompany me to the other events I din’t tell them I’m going. It was already 10:45 by the time we left I think and so I couldn't listen to Gutslit but of what I hear, their idea of having programmed drums (from their ipod) was really appreciated by the crowd and although deathgrind doesn’t have like a big audience, they played some really good stuff apparently.
Next stop was Kosmo, not a big lover of the genre Barker plays yet it was good. Sat for a while, found some friends and was in no mood for the gossip they were showering me with so I left.
Well I’m saying nothing about the last event. Was dead by the time I got back home and woke up with the worst headache I’ve ever had. All worth it tho except the sleep part (4th day without sleep, isn’t really fun trust me!)

I have been thinking about this for a while now, I tried writing about it in my diary and I tried speaking about it - it just doesn’t happen anymore. I’m just so addicted, I have to put it up here I don’t know if this is something good or bad, but this is it. I’m addicted to blogging!!!
Anyway the thing I have to put up is this - I read this book sometime back by Advaitha Kala, ‘Almost Single’. Supposed to be this damn cool book about lives of 30 yr old single women.
Shit I’m depressed!
The book was really good, well-written, good understanding of the women’s mind, but I’m sad! The thought of a life like that is scary. I mean just imagine you are 30 and not married and have no clue why you are still alive. Wat a purposeless life! I mean at 30 I see myself living a perfect life. but ok whatever! Its time I made the list man...
There are so many things I want to do, but can’t coz of stupid reasons.

10 Things I want to do:
1. Learn the Arabian dance and Kathak
2. Learn to play the guitar.
3. Stay away from Mc.Donalds.
4. Complete writing my book.
5. Practice drumming and start saving up for the kit (wateva!!!)
6. Finish reading all the books on my shelf.
7. Finish all the tattoos on time.
8. Work hard on keeping my cool while in office.
9. To go shopping for b'day and generally. (NO TIME)
10.Wait till the right time comes - Things will (might) happen, Patience!

Well, these are the 10 stupid-est things that anyone can ever want (except the guitar part of it, Joey decided he wanted to learn the guitar when he was 30, so thats not stupid)!!!
Anyway I’m going to start working on the tattoos and the book from today but the guitar and the drums are a problem.
Guitar - Leo promised he’d teach me.
Drums - lets not talk about it, it hurts.
Dance - lets not think about it, it hurts evenmore.
Mc.Donalds - From today, I hate coke float and burger! (Shit I don’t believe this)
Patience - Well, not in my hands - although I don’t want to end up being Aisha, what a pain!
Reading - Well, I have insomnia I think. I don’t feel sleepy/ hungry nowadays. Its either love or depression. Can’t decide what! No its not anorexia/ bulimia! And reading, ah well ok will start something soon.

when things go mad, part II

Its just too stupid when things go mad and you dono why it is like that! I mean most of the time its difficult to actually figure out why things affect you the way they do and then it becomes even more irritating when things get all complicated in the mind!
The point is, I hate it when people act all indifferent and crazy.
And i hate it even more when people who are supposed to be mean and evil, act nice!
Wow!

PS. It makes no sense I know, don't ask (one of those mad & irritated phases)!

The cutest, sweetest, nicest things happen to you when you least expect them... and then they go on to become memories, good ol' memories!

I climbed up the door and opened the stairs,
Said my pajamas and put on my prayers,
Then I turned off the bed and crawled into the light,
All because you kissed me goodnight!

Next morning I woke up and scrambled my shoes,
Picked up my eggs and toasted the news,
I couldn't tell my left from right,
All because you kissed me goodnight!

That evening at last I felt normal again,
So I picked up my mother and called the phone,
I spoke to the puppy and threw Dad a bone,
Even at midnight the sun was still bright,
All because you kissed me goodnight!

Heard of perfect poetry??? *wink*

Intense emotions...

I've crossed 20 and I've spoken to a lot of people who come from different backgrounds, have different upbringings and most importantly different mindsets. I got along with many and failed to strike a chord with a few... either the thought process didn't match or we just didn't understand each other. But for the first time in my life, today - I spoke to someone, read something that was destined to change my entire outlook towards life. I dono why it happened, it wasn't supposed to be so spectacular and dramatic, but thats just how it turned out to be. I dono why that piece of writing hit me so hard!
It was a grave issue and was written brilliantly but how and why that affected me like this is something unexplainable (as are a few other things that have been happening in my life lately... like meeting becky and papa CJ).
One thing I'm sure of - it wasn't because of who the writer is and how much he means to me personally. Whatever anyone else has to say, I know thats not the reason.
The issue discussed - well it doesn't affect me so much, but as a reader it really appealed to me and it ends there. The style of writing and the way the emotions were explained was amazing - I could feel the fear, the anticipation and all the weird things, it was very intense and deep, beyond anything I've ever felt. But nothing more than that. It was just an issue discussed and a good piece of writing.

Why then, did it hit me so hard? If it wasn't the writer, wasn't the theme, wasn't the emotions...then why did I go all weird?
I was right here at work and still wasn't.
I felt everything, but was still numb.
I was breathing and the clock ticked away but the world seemed to have come to a standstill...
Why do such things happen? Can written word cause so much impact? Why?

If I were reading this, I'd laugh and think its too dramatic, but it isn't coz before today I've never read anything so perfectly thought out and framed - that you tend to stay in that world even after you've finished reading the piece.
True harry potter did that to me, but that was all...ah i dono what to call it...that was different. I knew that wasn't true. I was sane enough to point out and return back to the REAL world. But now its all going mad...the world is toppling over and I can't balance out my emotions.
Wow! I feel elated- only in the negative sense of the word! I dono what that means... so please don't ask!

But I had to record this feeling and I've done that.
Well, been thinking about this other thing for quite sometime now and its the perfect time to mention this as well. Talking to a person surely deepens your feelings for the person, in this case it is love! :)

The Dark Knight vs The Joker

The Dark Knight premier

Well, lots of "first-time" things happened last week:
1. First time I saw a Batman movie
2. First time I saw a movie with Prerna
3. First time I got back home at 1:30 am.
4. First time I rode back home at 1:15 am.
5. First time I got stuck in a traffice jam on M G Road in the midnight.
6. First time I loved a villian in the movie.
7. First time I lived life my way, did things that I love.

Ok so I'd been to the premier of 'The Dark Knight' the sequel of Batman Begins (2005). Loved Heath Ledger as Joker.
This is the article I wrote for Metro, Deccan Herald - its the event coverage:

Before darkness gripped the hall at Fame Lido, where the premier of ‘The Dark Knight’ was to be held, there were cheerful faces sharing their anticipation about the much-awaited movie. While the celebrity guests did a bit of catching up with friends, the kids gaped at the Mattel toys and merchandize displays. Actress Ramya, Designer Namrata G, Leena Singh, Cine Star Diganth and many more were seen striding along the foyer at the theatre. Amidst excited chattering and cordial hello’s, the movie commenced. Like a wave of cold water, the audiences were silenced while the Joker did the talking. Played by late Heath Ledger, the terrifying impact he left as a heartless yet engaging and memorable villian, was applaudable. And while the characters took the audience from one emotion to the other at a lightning pace, it was a sight watching open mouths and concerned faces. The intermission came at a much hated juncture when the audience were taken over by the curiosity to know what happens next. The pipping hot popcorn and chilled pepsi did all it could to tempt the audiences to indulge, but the wave of excitement left celebrities and others alike - waiting to get back inside.
The second half was gripped with the same exhilaration and a lot of action. The silence that prevailed in the hall after each dialogue was delivered could be interpreted for disappointment if one din’t turn around to see the crazy glint in every eye.
The movie is an adaptation of the DC Comics character Batman and a sequel to Batman Begins (2005). The American superhero film has been co-written and directed by Christopher Nolan. The crux of the story is built around Bruce Wayne’s - alias Batman’s (Christian Bale) fight agianst the ‘agent of chaos’ the Joker (Heath Ledger) and his strained friendship with district attorney Harvey Dent (Aaron Eckhart). The agony between Bale’s love for Rachel (Maggie Gyllenhaal) and Dents involvement is complicated yet moving. The fall outs between an organised society and mobs are put to test while the character of the joker attains immortality.
While darkness swallowed the Dark Knight and the last lines were pronounced, some broke in to applause while others wiped a tear. The audience left the hall starry eyed and awed at watching the quest of Gotham’s very own Dark knight to fight the growing criminal threat.

Sheetal Sukhija

When things go mad!

I start to feel like I can’t maintain the facade any longer, that I may just start to show through. And I wish I knew what was wrong. Maybe something about how stupid my whole life is. I don’t know. Why does the rest of the world put up with the hypocrisy, the need to put a happy face on sorrow, the need to keep on keeping on?... I don’t know the answer, I know only that I can’t. I don't want any more vicissitudes, I don't want any more of this try, try again stuff. I just want out. I’ve had it. I am so tired. I am twenty and I am already exhausted.

Crushes again!

Read this bout crushes!!!
"Ride it out, enjoy it, and let it die its natural death."
makes sense...

when crushes happen!

Sometimes I wonder, in't it weird that when u r in love, the person u love seems to be the most beautiful person u've ever seen?

And if that is true then, everyone who is in love thinks that the person they love are beautiful! Well I was going thru this random blog about - "How to get over your crush?" and this blog, very prominently popped in to my face out o google. I read it... the blogger said,

"He is beautiful. He is the sweetest, most intelligent and funniest person to know, he's wonderful and the best personification of love! but while im gushing about this person i know he isnt gushing for me."

I was baffled! I couldn describe having a crush any better, your world seems to revolve around this person. Its the most weird feeling one can have and when u r feeling it, u don't seem to be bothered about sounding stupid or being 'UNREALISTIC' in my case!

Ok so I had been out covering this event last saturday night and I went mad laughing, it was a stand-up comedy show and this comedian did seem to know his stuff. He was perfect on stage! There hasn't been any other time in my life that I've laughed so much!

With all the problems at home and so many responsibilities, I seemed to have lost my personal touch to life. It was more like I existed and not lived. I had friends and relatives but all these years that I've been alive seem to pass by me like its happening to someone else and this person is coping with all these things and yet being alive. I hated those phases where things got worse at home. I cried myself to sleep every single night consoling myself that everything would change next morning but just woke up to realise each day how much I hate being at home! I left home early morning and came home late, even on holidays I either went to college and sat with a book or sat in my room at home with a book!

But now things have changed...sometimes I think it would be so much more better to just run away to nowhere but its so difficult with faces of everyone in my family popping up in front of my eyes...

anyway life moves on and things do change, I'm waiting for that one change...lets c when it comes.

The topic for this blog isn't that anyway!

Its my crush and how exciting that phase is... Haan so I met this comedian and had an interview with him- oh it was a telephonic and then was in touch thru mails and stuff and then that stage of oh-I-like-him-but-I-know-he-doesn-care came about and i tot i'm this worthless person and all and oh so much agony it was

but its so weird its almost like a circle, it starts and goes on and ends...just like that ends...! and u look back and think how stupid i've been!

Live and Reporting!

Been almost a month that I've been reporting for the Metro Life, Deccan Herald. Its just the most wonderful job I've ever done!
I so love reporting, its a package of everything I always wanted!
Meeting new people, covering events in the city and writing!
It seems to me the most perfect job I could ever be in. I just had an offer from google and Mt, they offered me more than double of the salary that I get here and its been a tough time convincing myself that THIS is what I love doing. I know I'll still give my best at any other organisation I promise my services to but I'd rather do something I love than something that indirectly tempted me in to loving the job.
This place has major issues that need to be demotivators but these same reasons are making me firm about giving my best!
Reporting is what I've loved and will always love it!

Also when in college, I so din't realise the major differences between working in a print or electronic media company. Now, I so do!
One thing however remains the same, and I speak from experience - the B's are the same...a big nose, fat and borin ;)

*Nasty Grin*

I'm sooo happy!
Scene 1: At work, spoke to this dude! Apparently m not the only one with the same story. Oh how much happiness is over flowing. Hehe... Ok so here goes, apparently he worked as reporter for 3 yrs and applied here and was told "Ya We'll put you on to reporting Tomorrow, next week, next month" That never happened! And its been one whole year and 3 months and he's been on the desk, pretending like this's his dream job! He din ever let it slip that he's not likin it... it took some neat bit of my investigative reporting skills to get this bit of info out.

And now for the big one...
Story 2: Enjoyin yum dinner at office...another gal, same story, one year, no reporting, SHE QUIT!!!
wow, thats what i call proper revolution now i say. atleast someone's fighting it out, good
one shud do what one's made for, rather than accept whats being forced on them!
I'm in full mood of revolution!
wat fun it is...hehhee
This is labour man makin us do stuff v don want to!

Time for some action...Yahooness happening.

hate hate hate this place!!!

As much as people tell me to love the place i'm in rite now, i can't. however much i try, there are certain things people cant help but hate!!!
like i was called by this certain city editor or something, dono her exact post, ok so she tells me, keep ur phone on silent,no calls durin work hours- i always keep my phone on vibration except for the one day that i forgot and my phone started ringin-apparently some person complained- i have to say this its my blog anyway- the same person and the editor herself has her phone ringin every half hour. HYPOCRISY at its best u may say

and she goes on to say no internet for me!!! disgusting!!!
wat am I supposed to do during the 6 hours 45 mins of my 7 hour job when they dont give me work??? bhangra???

anyway i'm so freakin pissed today that i cant even stop posting this keepin in mind the advices well wishers and elders have given me AND i apologise to u pradeep sir and shreerekha ma'am but i cant but hate this place.
me, along with 2 interns- who have their own story of discrimination in this organisation-(will post their story later) were just sitting as we were given no work and this chick walks in and stares and comments oh ORKUT WATCHERS COMMUNITY- WAT THE HELL ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO- oh i so so freakin hate this psycho place...

This person who's new too older than me tho, taught me the tv page and now when my boss tells me to do it myself he gets pissed with me and if i try to ask him somethin that i cant remember he frowns and cribs and acts all weird...SO IRRITATING

i came in today and this computer with the internet was free and so i just sit to check my mail for 5 mins and this man- i hate him so much for his constant unending giggling with another man just behind my desk-walks in and stares and says-loud enuf for the editor to hear who's sitting in the opposite desk- and says "EXCUSE ME" -- like i broke the computer or somethin...oh such a .
anyway i know these minor things shouldn matter and i shud adjust to the place but my only argument is that i would have cared a damn for all these silly things and persisted, had the job been somethin i really enjoy, something i'm born to do...but this ISN'T

I'M SAYIN NO MORE, MY ACTIONS SHALL SPEAK!!!

random madness

Sometimes...nothin makes sense

I dono wat to do then

have been waiting

its been almost 5 years and a weird thought caught me today

i haven felt really really happy about anything in the last 5 years...I haven laughed loudly and heartily in the past 5 years

ive been awake, ive been alive, ive been around, ive done this and ive done that, ive achieved this and lost that, ive been sad and ive been depressed, ive been ok and ive been laughing, ive slept and ive sat, but still the things are slow,,,im waiting

im waiting

from so long... id have died by now

so many things changed and still do.

i feel sad and i feel low

i want to cry... no shoulder... no tissue too

its sad

im caught almost trapped

between wat i want to do and wat i need to do..

pain so terribly unbearable

hunger

fear

depression

expectations

wants

needs

torn

fear

madness

pullin me down

cant type

pain...its hurting

someone stop this

im not likin it

I NEED A LIFE!!!

IRRITATED...

From the past few days, i've been surfin thru naukri.com and timesjobs.com...its the most irritated i've ever felt in my life.
Time to remember all the mistakes i've made in life-
1. Quitting mid-day just coz I got BORED. - Its as Ridiculous as I can get
2. Taking up the responsibility to organise the Farewell for our seniors - Got misunderstood as terribly as anyone could get
3. Went to Chattisgarh, Came back to Bangalore - Both of these ruined my life, changed me, made me a different person. The real me is hiding, somewhere deep inside...and comes out very rarely when faced with rare circumstances and surrounded by people who really understand me.

Of all these mistakes I think this present mistake isn't a really big one - Joining Deccan Herald.
Anyway I had to do this to see how grave a mistake i've made.
Sensible people might laugh it of sayin "come off it, this isn't a mistake at all"
Honest people might add to this "Its all a part of life and this is a learning experience"

The TRUTH:
I HATE THIS JOB!!!

I just so hate this place and the work they make me do.
Shit i'm dying, i'm so irritated.
I've been through the best of positions, best of jobs, best of sallaries being offered-its all available and i'm sure i'll get those jobs if i apply- But i'm stuck @ DH.
Was speakin to Kevin the other day and he tells me Indian Express is offering more than what i'm getting paid here @DH.
Doing something i'm least interested in, sitting @ a place and working.
I hate this!!!
I hate this so much...

Workin @

Well I know its too early to pen down my experiences bout DH, but still the first week @ work has been pretty eventful.
DAY 1 - Monday- came to office @ 10(my reporting time) and met Mr.Nambodari....He tells me I gotta come back @ 2!!! Damn... i'm stuck now...do i go back all the way home or wait...but where... anyway did somethin...came back @ 2 and m sittin...waitin...waitin...They din give me any work to do.. its so weird. I mean nothin.
DAY 2 - Tuesday-I get 2 articles to edit...Suspicions rise...m goin mad...editing editing...bored...editing... I HATE THIS JOB...
DAY 3 - Wednesday-Dyin... someone get me out of this place...came ...editing... bored... hating this place... waiting to talk to someone...silence and keyboard noises killing me...actually the silence around almost murdered me... haven spoken to anyone for 3 days in a row...shocked that i cud stay silent for so long...met Priya! Friendly gal... Sub Editor...actually even m one apparently...still bored. tomm's leave...may 1st- labour day...yipppieeee!!! finally...i'm runnin away and never comin back...
spoke to Priya.. She's totally opposite... as in I told her i enjoy more of Reportin although I don mind editing and stuff ( HORRIFYING LIE ) anyway and so she's like i love sitting @ a place and workin rather than runnin around reportin. We had dinner together...got to meet a few others.
Went home - small tiny very tiny feeling of yeah the place is OK...JUST OK came up... Sleepin...
DAY 4 - THURSDAY- YEAH!!!TV, food, sleepin, Harry Potter Book one... (started re-reading the entire series a few days back) DID NOT MISS OFFICE AT ALL!
DAY 5 - FRIDAY - Came back...lookin 4 priya... not aroun yet i guess,, anyway...waitin for work...nothin as yet...
3:40 pm ORKUT'S not blocked anymore... yahoo...!!!
4:15 pm ORKUT'S borin...!!!
5:00 pm Work arrives... 3 articles to edit...thank god have somethin to do atleast.
5:30 pm Idli vada sambhar
6:00 pm work done...waiting
6:00 pm Thinking... "have checked out the profiles, rumours, gossip, pictures, articles and criticisms of all the cute actors (tv and movies). Nothin to do... oh boredom!!!
6:30 pm 'Creation of a genius' -- Name of my new poetry collection. Theme- Boredom @ workplace..
ok this is getting too much
DAY 6 - SATURDAY - Going to miss Roadies today :( office timings r 2-9pm.
Lotsa work...actually to be precise 4 loooonnnnggg articles to edit.
Mid-way discussions wit priya over Harry Potter, Rodies and Fiction.
Breaking News- NIHAL'S dad is one of my seniors @ office!!!
not REALLY excited,,, jus yeah ok types excited.
cool
I always tot, sincer day 1 that my boss s a expressionless 'like I care' types lady...but she called me 4 dinner tonite,,, waited till I logged out and had dinner with priya and me...I know its not somethin really really big... but still i expected her to be this 'SHUT UP YOU TRIANEE' or 'MY GOD THESE TRAINEES MESS UP THE JOB' types chick but she turned out to be pretty ok.!!

Anyways...saw the last over of the match in office today and FINALLY... Bangalore Royal Challengers won!

DAY 7 - SUNDAY - Blogging! its 6 pm and no one..as in my boss and her boss and his boss isnt in office yet...dude my reporting time on sundays is supposed to be 3 pm (to 10 pm) and hello i've been here 3 hrs now...whr r these guys??? give me some work before I die???
have u seen someone begging for work like this!!! ever???
anyway..office is good, next month am reporting 4 d school edition...no more sub editor!!! enuf sitting in a place and sulkin...

almost forgot the big fight with Mr.JT and huge mails explainin why I hate my first job!!! and replies from him to peace out...and be patient and calm,...!!!
anyways have taken his advice and am sticking to DH for a while now... say 3-4 months and lets see how things turn out!!!