Tuesday, September 02, 2008


Its the saddest I’ve felt so far, i’m so so sad. I can’t think right, I can’t do anythin, its all so boring, I’ve lost interest in everything. I’ve always felt like this whenever I got too close...
I know it won’t work out, I always know, but I still try. I’m too scared off everything, I hate the stupid questions that keep popping up. These things scare me like crazy. I don’t like the feeling.
Why does this have to happen?
why do we have to have feelings?
why do we have to feel these things?
why can’t we just be indifferent to everything?
why can’t we be neutral about things?
why can’t we just not be born?
why can’t we just die whenever we want to?
why is it that all of us have to go through all this?
why can’t life be all bland, drab and boring?
I’ve so lost the link, the flow...its all gone. I can’t write my stories anymore, nothing! Writing doesn’t help, it never did, but now it doesn’t come. I try writing and it doesn’t happen. I don’t like it when people go away, I don’t like it when they come back and I hate it when it gets all boring too, it doesn’t make sense, but anyway nothin ever does. I think its the dementia praecox but what if it is, and what if it isn’t? Big deal...
Its all blur, I try to see what it is that is somewhere ahead of me, its there, I want to see, but may be I don’t.
Its all crap - the work, writing, feeling, thinking, talking, eating, this life, death...its all so crappy. Its no big deal...! But maybe it is...
I'm just so so... I dono what. Whatever it is, I don't like it. I like the old me, I hate this constant battle. This battle with the inner voice, I hate thinking about it, all along its been a stupid reality, its just an illusion actually, like the deer...it eludes you whenever you try to get closer and then its gone forever, to never return, it doesn't happen consciously, but it does happen... but wait a minute.. doesn't all this happen coz I make this happen for me...actually thats the problem, I try to make things happen...maybe I should, maybe I shouldn't. I dono. The inner voice lies, I dono whom to ask. No one to answer, no answers maybe, maybe they are like the deer who runs away whenever u try to get closer. The point is that u shudn't try... its never worth it. Maybe sometimes it is but still.
People always say they want to become children again, they love childhood and those days, they miss the point always.