Monday, November 24, 2008

When you're gone...

Ever faced a situation when two women tell you things that you are supposed to do and not supposed to do and both of them tell you completely opposite things?
What do you do then? Whatever you do, DO NOT let both of them know what the other said. This is probably the second time in 5 months that I feel stuck.
Two characters. Both independent, happy woman. both of them highly crazy! They have the best solutions but whom do you listen to?
The problem is that both of them have no clue about each others existence. They've never met, but know each others names, professions and purpose in life. Fortunately or unfortunately their top priority in life matches - GETTING MARRIED and living happily ever after. Well they've been living with the sweet-girl-next-door image but have given me death threats more than 50 times already. They're both highly violent and dangerously uncontrollable. While one gets drunk and says things like, "My lovely strawberry, I can't live without you..." the other is obsessed with fitness. She'll get dressed with her gloss and liner at 2 in the night to head to her gym and then suddenly realize that its only 2 and go back to sleep - after she has removed all the make up and applied moisturizer all over again. Its wonderful knowing both of them, but there are too many things you shouldn't do with them around, too much thinking, too much planning even before you decide to talk to them casually.
First thing you need to remember is to never discuss one when you are with the other. You might get strangled and killed and dragon sized nails will haunt your dreams forever. There are very good chances that you might end up drinking diet coke for the rest of your life too. However, there is an easier way to end your life, that involves minimum violence - simple, go to them with a problem. Damn these women should have a 'highly-life-threatening-pieces' board around their necks. The problem doesn't remain a problem anymore once it is destined to be heard in their court of law. Initially you might find their reactions hilarious, but trust me its a pain when you are forced to push it forward...
The problem is that both of them have a person they fantasize about, feel happy and sad about and you are always the second option, even when their guys are busy doing something else. Being in a relationship isn't fun. When they aren't trying to finish work and escape from office, they are working on assignments that are to be submitted next month, "I can spend more time with him if i'm done with this work now," apparently. That is understandable but cutting your me-time so u can make it us-time is the most irritating thing ever, maybe coz I fit in during their me-time. Everything becomes 'us' and 'we'. Oh we went to this place and we went to that place, we did this and we jumped in to the well. Damn it! They want to have wonderful dreams about their partners but have pathetically disturbed sleep all year round coz either they are fantasizing about what they want to do tomorrow or are planning how to lose 5 more kilos to keep their guy hooked to them forever and ever! Temporarily OCDed to their guy and their happy lives without any space for a loser someone who is forever depressed and writes weird stories that they don't have time to read.
Now they are going away forever and ever and will never have time to discuss anything with me anymore, both have finally decided that they are going to get married. One is off to Singapore on December 8th and the other will be leaving on December 9th. I’m sad, I dono what to do, should I feel sad that they’re leaving me forever, like ‘everyone’ else or happy coz they have finally achieved the purpose of their existence?
Shit its sad, I could call them at 2 in the night to share some gossip and talk to them about all kinds of non sense, now what do I do? This is so stupid! I hate it when people go away!!!

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Forever random

Forever… she’d been thinking about that word for a long time now. Often she’d think about it, hoping that someday someone would walk up to her and tell her that they’ll be there forever. But now as she played with those small blue capsules, the word made no sense. “You can wait for a while,” the voice repeated. She ignored it, not for the first time. She’d been through this entire debate so many times now, that when anyone said ‘wait’ she’d get irritated. She stuffed the capsules in to the tiny grey bottle carelessly and took her bike keys. An ice cream would make it easier, she thought.

She put on the helmet and shut her face with the dark visor. Suffocated as she might feel, she wanted to do all those things that she had been avoiding for the last few days. But this time she’d go to all those places and get done with it forever. The cold drops hit her hard, but it went fine with the mood and the purpose.

So she turned on the bike and it killed the silence with the weird rattling noise. The cold air hit her hard and she knew she wanted to feel everything she’d never felt before. This feeling was different too, it was a sad feeling, a sense of loss, a meaningless walking awat… It was about pain and pain it would be, she decided. She didn’t wear a jacket or tie her hair up, more pain, more hatred, more easy to get over it. Hatred, that wasn’t the feeling but anyway. She turned the music on and the rain covered her visor, it was pouring really hard and she couldn’t see anything but she knew where she was going. Now she remembered all those hours she’d spent locked up in Room no 109, listening to Shobhana Ma’am go on about how some crazy author defined pathetic fallacy through his poetry to get the message across. Those pieces made sense now, those words made sense now. She had a small story emerging in her head already. Even before she’d completed the first line or decided what the plot would be, in her head, her hands wanted to touch a keyboard and she wanted to start writing the story. “Empty roads and bright lights, crying skies and slow music… it was perfect! When she was happy it’d rain and she’d dance, when she was sad, it’d rain and she’d cry… how did this happen? How did it matter.” She came to a screeching hault, she had to stop and still the music continued in her ear. The cops were staring into her face, two of them, big fat mostached men. She hated moustaches, she vaguely remembered having this discussion with him and smiled as she lifted the visor. It was over a month now and she still couldn’t remember what she told those big fat cops or how they let her go without checking her license or the looks they exchanged when they saw her all drenched, wearing a thin t-shirt. All that didn’t matter then anyway. So the first place she’d decided to go to was the very road she’d been scared to go to ever since the cursed day. As she entered the road, everything came back, it felt like the moment froze right there and she was drawn back to the day she rode there with him. A blurred combination of black and white memories, a big orange sign, a huge cup of coffee with a huger heart, the cluttered table, the huge wooden bangle and the thin straw, she smiled even as tears rolled down her face. This is why she never wanted to come here. But since the end was close she decided she’d cry all she could and then finally rest. The place where she would park her bike always, remained empty obediently and she got off, looking around taking in all the minor details she’d always miss. She stood ten feet away from the orange place and the door, waiting for the same excitement to hit her hard and do things in her stomach. Nothing happened, but she was filled with a strange hollow feeling. An emptiness that made her want to sit there and cry. “Why why why, this is not how it should have ended, it shouldn’t have ended!”

The road was empty and she remembered standing in the heavy rain for over ten minutes thinking about the same things again and againg. Somehow she felt drained already, she could do with some coffee, the same huge cup with the heart.

She walked in, pushing the door slowly. She did not want to enter, no…
No one stood behind the counter and no one gave her a welcoming smile. The place was empty and silent. Atleast the disgusting music wouldn’t disturb her. Disturb, she thought, what was she planning to do anyway? She could see them sitting there, he was in his white t-shirt and she wore her old beige overcoat. She sipped from the huge cup of coffee even as he explained something about some forgotten sandwich. She smiled and burst out, the lifeless old rusted guitar being the only witness, She sat there thinking of the day when conversations flowed from across the glass, each time she thought of that day, she had smiled so much that everyone noticed… Sometimes in random meetings at office and sometimes when she was riding and even when she was listening to her mom shout at her. No one came, no one told her to stop crying, she cried thinking about all those days and all those talks she’d had with him. All those times when something would happen and she’d make a mental note about telling him something or discussing something with him… SHIT she missed him so much! How was it possible? She always made a conscious effort to not get too close to anyone, she always made sure she wouldn’t get attached to anyone… when did this happen? Why did this happen?

Was this the end, would she never speak to him again? Had she lost him forever? She needed him so so much, wanted to tell him that he shouldn’t stop speaking to him… could she meet him just once, one last time to tell him to not make it the ‘last’ time. She didn’t want things to end, he was the only person who treated her like a true friend… he’d talk to her when she was low, he’d listen to her when she was excited, he’d talk to her even when there was nothing to talk about… what had she done? Why had this happened? So suddenly, after the best day she’d had in her entire life. Why why… why wouldn’t anyone answer?

She couldn’t take it anymore and as she walked out she saw them walking out too, she saw him walking away towards her bike, as she followed… she still didn’t know why he’d done that? Wasn’t that weird, the last time he’d ever meet her??? Was it? She was so scared of the word ‘last’ now… she was scared, very very scared. She couldn’t take that anymore, she left them searching for the keys, as she rode away without looking back…

She couldn’t forget the look on his face when she’d dropped him off that night, she wanted to hug him once, she didn’t want him to leave, he didn’t even say bye, he didn’t walk away, he didn’t turn his back on her, but didn’ say anything else either. He stood there looking at her, patted her and said something she couldn’t comprehend, she just stared at him… oh this shouldn’t have ended like this, she thought. She wanted to cry, cry really really badly… she couldn’t let him go, was this the last time she’d see him, last time ever? What about the million things she wanted to tell him? What about those things she’d planned? What about the nice happy days? They never came… they should have… she couldn’t remember how long she stood staring at him, she couldn’t leave like that… but it was all over. She truly did things she’d never done before. She hadn’t broken down like this for eight years now. Not in the middle of a busy street atleast. It was over? Only if she could undo the last three hours. Please please… could someone do something, she wanted to change it, erase it, control z, undo, rewind, nothing worked and it was all over. She cried, she didn’t know what made her cry more, his face that kept popping up in front of her, or the fact that nothing will ever be the same again, or that she’d have to go back online tomorrow and look at him and not talk to him, or that she couldn’t call him or message him or ever speak to him again… how would she explain things to anyone, would things change?

She was so helpless, she looked back and didn’t see him, passed the India coffee house, where did that come from? Why?

She didn’t know how she got there but she saw her soon-to-be-married-friend. She was waiting for her, waiting to know if everything was alright… Shriya told her that she had something really terrible to tell her… her mom was on her way to cancel her marriage, less than 20 days left, cards all printed and delivered to everyone… what does she do now? She heard her out and didn’t know what to do… what was more painful… what was more big? How does it feel being her… before Shriya noticed anything about her swollen eyes, the power went off. She was glad that happened as reliving the day would kill her if she wasn’t already dead. She told her it was all ok. Alteast one thing was right, Shriya said. She left the room to get some dinner, she couldn’t stay here anymore. So she left somehow, she didn’t remember anything… she knew Shriya was depressed already, besides, what would she tell her… She didn’t know anything herself. She rode back, taking the longer route coz she couldn’t stop her tears anymore, nothing seemed right. Nothing… She’d never been in this situation ever… worse yes but nothing like this.

She wanted to speak but whom could she speak to? Dipika was really busy and Shriya was depressed herself, the only two people she spoke to really. Why…

Friday, November 21, 2008

I looked away
Then I look back at you
You try to say
The things that you can't undo
If I had my way
I'd never get over you
Today's the day
I pray that we make it through

Make it through the fall
Make it through it all

And I don't wanna fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
I don't want to talk about it
Cuz I'm in Love With you

You're the only one,
I'd be with till the end
When I come undone
You bring me back again
Back under the stars
Back into your arms


Wanna know who you are
Wanna know where to start
I wanna know what this means

Wanna know how you feel
Wanna know what is real
I wanna know everything, everything

[Chorus without last line]


I'm in love with you
Cuz i'm in love with you
I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

A friend. Really?

A friend... Who would u call a friend?
What about a person would make you call him/her a friend?
Ok so he/she knows a lot about you so does he become a friend? I know a lot about Sushmita Sen, Shah Rukh Khan and APJ Abdul Kalam, so do they become my friends?
Or would you call someone your friend because ur comfortable being urself whenever he/she is around?
What should a friend ideally do when I feel sad/happy/depressed/excited?
Should he/she listen to me and understand what i'm going through or should he/she start advising me even before i've completed what i want to say?
Should he/she avoid talking about things that really really hurt me, however trivial it may be or should they just mention it to see my reaction/pull my leg whatever?
Some things are depressive, really really really depressive and when a friend knows that, they SHOULD NOT mention it, not even jokingly! It ruins ur mood and u go in to a different world.
So then who is a friend? Someone whom you speak to/meet everyday? or someone whom you keep in touch with in spite of work?
Does talking/knowing whats going on in each others lives/meeting make you friends?
Does a friend call you 'shorty' or 'bitch'?
What do you do when your trying too hard to remain in touch with someone but the person doesn't care a shit about you and what should you do when someone you think is a friend doesn't bother about you? Do you continue making the effort, assuming that he/she will surely respond back someday? What do you do when you bump in to someone who was a really really good friend a few years back and now he/she doesn't even remember u?
Why do people change so soon? How is it possible that once upon a time you hugged and called each other best pals and now the very same person makes a face when you say 'Keep in touch, its so nice to see you after so many years.'
Next thing. Do you have any expectations from your friends? Is it right to expect something from him/her? Is it ok to hug a friend? Is it ok to expect him/her to hug you with the same feeling, a feeling of joy at seeing him/her after so many days (yeah, it might be just two days or two weeks), when he/she wins something, when he/she is planning to get married, when he/she brings u a chocolate? Any point at all? Nothin makes sense anymore and nothing ever will, no one cares and no one ever will, no one is ur friend and no one will ever be, maybe you don't need a friend, but maybe you do. For now its all black, just black and blahh! There isnt a point of existence, why should u exist? Why take the pain of waking up everyday, doing some non sense, writing some jazz crap and bothering to keep in touch, making an effort to talk to people, liking someone, planning something out, sharing things, hating people, drinking coffee, taking calls, making calls, bothering to be nice when u want to shout your head off, assuming that one day it'll all be fine, it will be a rosy world someday, when everything will fall in place.
Some shit!
Well the conclusion is this: When you are trying too too hard to change a certain feeling, something you really really feel for someone and it isn't happening... Just wait, a very small thing might happen, something that will change everything! Something small that will bring about the biggest change in your life, and then you won't be sad about it. You'll be happy things changed. You'll be happy that you won't have to make an effort or feel guilty, you might/might not hate the person, but you'll surely not miss him/her anymore!

Saturday, November 01, 2008

Don't read it if ur looking for somethin sensible!!!

I just couldn resist putting this up. Its probably the stupidest observation ever but still...
Ok this is something I noticed at my workplace. Nothing personal against anyone...but shit its hilarious! What would you do if u desperately want to get married?
Ok lets analyse the question... hmmm
so well it depends on WHY u want to get married, but would u watch a video of someone getting married? like actually in the marriage hall while the pujari guys actually chanting those thing and fantasise about getting married?
DUDE!!! Some people need to get a life! shit!!! Generation gap! I still can't beleive this?