wanting hug :(

You'll be in my heart

Its not the first time that this thought has struck me, nor the first time I've spent hours thinking about it. But really, where will I be a couple of years from now? Like in 2011, what would I be doing. Would I still be in Bangalore? Would I still be trying to make it somewhere in life? Would I still be the same personally? The people around me, will they still be around? Would I stop feeling the same way about them, like I do now? Would they just go away like every other person? Would things change?
I wonder where all of us will be, lost, in our own world. Trying to make it big somewhere, trying to battle all the odds...
I had a good friend, there was a time I thought I couldn't do without talking to him atleast once a day, or having long conversations with him for hours till late in the night. There was so much that I wanted to do, to talk, I felt so much, but then one fine day it all went away and now we're on our own paths. Now I have another good friend. He's everything to me, I can't do without talking to him, without spending atleast ten minutes talking to him everyday, whatever happens, whether he's rude to me or good to me, sweet or completely lame, I just can't do without staring at me for minutes, looking at his face, looking at him eat, I might be in love with him, I might not, but then I wonder, I'm scared rather, will he go away too? Will my feelings just change one fine day, will it not remain like it is now, forever. And the sad part is before I stopped speaking to my old best friend, I never knew everything will just vanish, just go away without a trace. Sometimes I try to bring it back, it doesn't come, sometimes I wonder why it isn't working anymore, maybe I've really moved on. Funny, there were times I was trying to move on, trying to forget him and just move on in life and mysteriously it never happened. Now when I didn't want anything to change, it did. But anyway, will everything change with romeo as well? Won't I miss him? Won't I feel bad after its all gone. Damn it can't go, It WON'T go. I won't let it go. Damn these mental conversations!

As Bryan Adams hums 'Here I am' in the background, I'm reminded of the first day when I walked into this place. Yeah I know, I'm making it sound like its been forever, but then I have to write about this! Its a strange world, here. Everything is very different, everything is surely new but a weird new. There's so much happening, of course I've been introduced to a whole new world of electronic media. People tell me that this place teaches you all that you shouldn't do in any electronic media organisation, so basically its the don't do's of news channels that I'm supposed to learn here. However coming to the point, its been two months and a day that i've been here. I remember my first job at Deccan Herald where all I did all day was blog about my experiences, or the zilch of it. Anyway yea so lets not get too lost and quickly let me put down a few things that I should have put down long back, things that have impacted me the most about life in here...
ok lets do this in the bullet style:

GEMS OF WISDOM...
1. Do not trust people too easily. Basically take time to judge people, as much as I hate doing that I've learnt that it is an important thing to do...

2. You cannot be nice to everyone. Sometimes, just sometimes you need to learn to be harsh to people. to make your point clear and to put your foot down...

3. This one is something that my mother was always told be her mother, and obviously in one of her long lectures she passed this on to me. Being too nice to everybody in all circumstances, is NOT always the best way to deal with things.

4. Acting busy is ok. Sometimes when you have absolutely nothing to do in life, you tend to just relax, go for a smoke, put your head down and sleep, barge into the conference room and read newspapers - Remember NOT to do that. Behave just like everyone else does, act busy, even if you are facebooking, do it in style, with a serious expression on your face, with a stern face, even when deep inside you are laughing on your friends uber hilarious status message.

5. Make sure you get things right in your head. Why are you here? What do you want? What are your short and long term goals? Do you really want to be here? I mean really, here???
Not being too sarcastic, but just trying to get things right in my head at the moment, sometimes blogging can help you realise the 50 million things that you should be doing and you aren't... if you agree raise your hand and scratch your armpit! :D

Mayn, only if I had all the time in my life, I'd just write, write and write... like forever. Trust me

love and hate

Isn't it weird how we love people so easily and isn't it even more weird that somehow it doesn't take us too long to hate the same person! And then get back to loving him again, with the same feelings, jus coz he gave u a big fat bear hug and apologized for his mistake...
and two days later, we're back to hating him for some reason or the other...
the process goes on...
its a cycle
a cycle of emotions
a sad one!

Euphoric!!!

They have songs for all happy occasions, and for all the sad ones too, I guess that's what makes Euphoria such a dynamic band. A band that stirs up so many emotions within you, something that a few of the best bands in the world have failed to do over the years. I was introduced to this band with their song Maeri, that actually got me hooked to the band. Some sort of an addiction to that song started and for almost 4 months I was hooked to the band and its albums. Songs from Dhoom and Phir Dhoom were hits amongst the college music circle... However lame they sounded, you would find me and a couple of others who would headbang to their version of Dhoom, standing right in the front of the stage...
However, those days are gone and then followed the days of listening to their music at home on the old cd player and the big fat computer...
Somehow, Palash's voice creates some magic, everytime I listen to the band, there's something different I feel.. I guess it is the magic of music. Its the same thing yuo feel when someone strums a guitar and sings to you... a song that touches you heart, a soft romantic number like Everything by Lifehouse or even Ab Na Ja by Euphoria... Something about the rains, soft tracks and a guitar... nothing in the world can be more romantic than this setting, hell not even a nice cosy car drive on empty roads...
The point however is that I interviewed the band today and it was fabulous. The fact that I was supposed to be interviewing them came as a shock, but then when I did get there and they called out to me with my name, it was weird. It seemed like all the fanish adoration vanished and a journalist who was there to do her job, get the interview and say tata took over...
Whatever it was, it felt great that I finally interviewed them.
Two bands that I always wanted to interview - Iron Maiden and Euphoria, I've interviewed both as of 2009, which is a positive thing!
I'm excited so yay!!!

messed up?

unrecognisable is one word everyone threw at me in the last one week. The 22nd August of my life, shit, what haven't I done in this one month..? heh and its only been 11 days. From everything I went to nothing, from having all of it, i'm left with none. I questioned myself, do I feel sad about it? After three hours of pondering over this sitting in a corner with steaming hot lasagna at sweet chariot, I realised that I don't think its sad or anything... its just pathetic. Not me, the circumstances...
Does it matter to people that i'm not the person I was before, does it matter that I've changed my thought process, that i've changed my ideals and principles that I stood by... they've changed, for the good or bad, i have no idea. does it matter to people, to people who considered me their closest friends...random shit. blah.

Points to note:

1. Ethics of journalism and jazz that they teach u in college is all bullshit... there are a whole different set of ethics that govern this world, this world outside the closed world of college. YES its true, its a rat race and at the end of the day, all that matters is how far u've got and whether you've got ahead of others... YES that's how it works here, learn to live with it.

2. Mistakes have consequences, so face them like a man.

3. Stick by your stance till you die. DO NOT change yourself for any random person/ reason.

4. Emotions are harmful. Do not get emotionally carried away/attached.

5. Move on!

Magical moments :)

Sometimes things just happen and then when you wake up the next day, you don’t recognise the person you were the previous night. Its all nice and great to ‘go with the flow’ or ‘revel in the moment’ but what happens when the bubble bursts?
You change, they change, everything around you changes… or is it just you? Your perception, an experience you’ve had that will stick forever.
Is ‘having an experience’ about something really such a great thing? I mean, for instance you have a great relationship with someone and then you get dumped or things don’t work out and you breakup, you have an experience now and you’ll always keep running away from relationships, won’t you? If you tell me ‘That’s not true’ then I’ll say ‘Balls to you!’ and advice you to not read further.
Yea so this is about this strange thing that has been happening. Feels great but is so strange. I mean one conversation, there was undeniably some potential the last two times we spoke too, but one conversation, random, so much happened and I was left with just one thing to say – Magical. Nothing like I’ve ever experienced before. I think it is the music, the voice the feelings behind every word, there might be nothing actually, but then it just was so magical. So much in common, so much to say and yet we said nothing, I thought to myself,
Doesn’t music makes saying things you can’t, easier. Oh yea that’s confusing, but it did make sense that day, night whatever!
So well here we are, people telling you that its just a rebound, not one, but four, and what do you do? You go ahead. Why? Coz its just so perfect, there can’t be any hidden cosmic controversy here. Its all nice and cute and he’s just perfect.
You know you’ll be at the losing end again, don’t you? Yea, of course. But you still go ahead? Course, afterall, you dance when its time to dance and the mind should go when its time to dance. Oh and yea other dancers may be on the floor, (referring to someone and the other someone and the third someone) but my eyes will see only you.
DAMN why do things fall in place just when you don’t want them to!!!!?
And then I get back home at two and I sooo want to call AB and tell him how beautiful the whole night was and want to cry and laugh and explain how it was so much fun to whisper those stupid ‘sweet nothings’ to eachother and how it was the best evening I’ve EVER had but I don’t and go to sleep. I get a msg in the moring from AB telling me he’s breaking up with his babe! I mean whom do I tell this to now??? Why!
Anyway, for now I’m visibly ‘sway’ed.

Pain

She told me she had something to tell me, something really personal. We fixed up a table at the coffee shop near school. He hadn’t called me for a long time, a week or so, saw him at school but he was always with someone or the other so I couldn’t really talk to him. She was acting weird, he was acting weird, why didn’t I guess? I cursed myself after she told me everything, for being really dumb. It was right there in front of me, just like it was even this time. However, sometimes you can’t help yourself, you just get your hopes high, and then end up cursing yourself for doing that. This time, nothing was different, except for the fact that last time I didn’t know anything before it happened, this time I did. There’s a difference, you might say, I say no, it was just the same. Plain, clear and painful.
So we met at the coffee shop that bright afternoon. She was dressed differently. A complete transformation one would say. I remember pleading with her, in my mind of course ‘I know what has happened, don’t tell me please, I’ll die.’ She spoke, I heard, my mouth was dry, I was shivering, a tear rolled out, I wipped it away as she turned to call the waiter. She laughed aloud when she saw with fidgeting with the fork. Wasn’t different this time, was it? I sat with my hands fixed on the keyboard, frozen, couldn’t move them even if I did. Like last time I prayed and pleaded that he’d suddenly surprise me saying it is all a prank and stupid big fat joke that everyone’s playing. A repeat of the same feeling I had at the coffee shop that day, I thought he’d jump out from behind the pillar and curse me for believing it, would tell me, ‘did you really think I’d do such a thing? You claim to be my friend, this is how much you know me?” and I’d tell him “Maybe the credit goes to her for putting it in such a believable way.” Nothing of that sort happened, not even this time. I question myself, why does it bother me so much? Isn’t it their life? Didn’t he tell you he’s just your friend? Even this time, didn’t he? Then why do you cry, you stupid person? I get a response, the lady in the locket says, ‘Maybe it IS the choices you make, that show who you truly are.” What it means, I can’t comphrehend at the moment and continue listening to coldplay, hoping sleep shall come and then when I wake up, I won’t be stuck in reverse anymore.

more than something

Sometimes you are caught between so many things, so many feelings, all of a different nature, you find yourself wondering how you landed up there, whether it was entirely your fault? Maybe it was, but maybe it was a just one of those cosmic strategies created to show you where you are, who you are and what is going on around you. You then take off the coloured glasses and there you have it, plain, just two colours, black and white. You then have to choose your side, for as alluring as the black side is, you know you will remain on the white. Yea all of us want to stay on the black end, wannabe blackies that we are, but well, you are what you choose to be, and you know that you'll never choose to be on the black end if you ever had to choose between black and white.
And somewhere in the background, the coors sing, 'Go on, go on, make me breathless..." you wonder why?
"Can you please come up sheetal??"
A sniff and a sad voice requests, as if out of desperation that comes about only when your're terribly distraught and have no where to go, or no one to call.
Empty blue chair, "In a minute"
The trauma, the pain, you see it but don't feel it, coz there's another surprize, full of hope of course waiting for u in a few hours... u've been there haven't u, those days when he didn't speak to u... when he said, "we should both take a break, we're always there, chatting and stuff, we need a break." (something similar atleast) and you walked into office with a heavy heart, as you sat there tears rolled and as weird as it was, no one noticed, you saw him online, but u sat there, quiet, short whimpers, that went unnoticed... scary days those were, weren't they?
"I want to go away. Just run away."
Stop. Don't smile. Yes you've said that a million times, you want to smile and remember those days, coz u assume that whatever he says will be happy and yay, like you know *evil laughter*
had u known then that a few hours and u'd be in a pathetic situation, would you have stayed there, talking and convincing her that all would be fine? would you have taken her into your arms and hugged her? just stayed there, holding her tight as she shivered and wailed, cried her heart out..?
but hugs...
"Help me find it, and i will hug you :P okay no, that's mean. I will hug you anyway but if you can help me, i'll hug you again."
HUH??? really? You actually said that?
oh yea u have soooo many things to say about that don't u. But maybe u shouldn't.
He sings, "How they dance in the courtyard, sweet summer sweat. Some dance to remember, some dance to forget..."
I just love the music that follows, just so so love it, I wish I could just erase everything and restart, can I?
Damn, there isn't one good song on my phone, that can sum up exactly what I want to say, what am i looking for?
"Honey, these are the moments that make me want to grab a smoke. It helps, helps you soo much. But I'm not letting you smoke."

"Sudeep, can I talk to u for a minute?"
"course, come sit. Got some time, huh? Tell me,"
"Why do you smoke? What does it do to you? How does it help?"
"*broad grin* is this something for a survey, your newsletter, an article for some newspaper... oh but ur with ibn now, so any hidden camera?"
"No man, just tell me i'm curious. I mean all u people who smoke know its injurious and all shit right, so then why do you smoke?"
"Its calms you down, its more like a destressor."

"You know beck, i've had many dreams where i see myself smoking."
"I've quit, i could help you with brands and stuff, but wait, no don't smoke."
"You know i won't but you know its just so ahm I dono what, i think i will..."

...Last thing I remember, I was
Running for the door
I had to find the passage back
To the place I was before
relax, said the night man,
We are programmed to receive.
You can checkout any time you like,
But you can never leave!
Wonderful wonderful... how do that do that. how can music be so so calming. It's the voice I was looking for, where words or their meanings don't matter too much, its the sound, his voice, the emotions that it stirs with you...

"We'll go for a nice dinner before you leave."

"She showed me this beautiful picture, so perfect."

"You waste your time with hate and regret
You're broken
When your heart's not open"

"But you're not going to meet me on wednesday right?"
"I'm doing nothing on wednesday. We can meet."
"But you said you're going to be packing and all?"
"No I think we can meet."
"Cool. We'll go for a movie and then we'll go to pascucci for lunch?"

"I didn't have balance,"
"You have a landline."
"You wanted me to message from a landline?"

Really, you actually said that? why did you do that?

"Sheetal, once i'm back, will you come by and stay with me for a few days, till I feel alright?"
"I will, I'll be there for u, don't worry, all will be fine."

Will it?

"No we've called it off. People at home are looking for some other proposals. I've told them I don't want to get married now, want to take a break."
"It'll all be fine."

Will it?

"Honey I haven't met him for over a week. Do you think he'll be there at coffee house?"
"Don't worry, he'll come by."

Really?

Why did this happen? Ashleyy, you didn't hint at any of it, nothing, just told me to stay away from relationships that hurt, that won't work out. I didn't listen to you.

"You were pissed, thats your problem!"
"You need to deal with it, it just won't go away. You have to deal with it."

what fun!

RIP MJ

From days when we spent evenings locked up in the room trying to get the moon walk right, to screaming ‘Beat it, beat it’ every single morning just to get the owner angry… I still remember those funny evenings when we’d dress up just like him and watch all his actions over and over again, getting photos clicked with the same styling like him… playing the audio cassette of thriller right in the morning and giving grandpa a shock… we literally grew up listening to all his songs didn’t we? I’ll miss you Jacko… :’(

Sometimes you just have all the answers in your head and all ur doing it dodging the answers, trying to fight the pressure that 'the truth' puts on you and then you keep fighting and refusing to believe it and then 'the truth' becomes this mute entity, hanging like jesus christ does in a church. its there and its just there, regardless of whether u want to beleive in his presence or not. So anyway sometimes you have the answers and choose not to believe them, and at other times, someone shoves it down ur throat and you believe it. Weird isn't it???

Hooked to the giant

Sometimes you are so stuck to something that you can’t let go even when you want to and then the hook breaks. And after it breaks you wonder why you were pulling and tugging so much when you could have just stayed there quietly, being stuck… but happy.
And all you do is poke the giant every now and then, he doesn’t wake up, doesn’t do anything, just snores away. Then when you’re least expecting it the giant wakes up and rips your throat apart. Then, then well you die. Or remain a headless zombie all your life… But there’s no life. Damn! I wish the giant turned into a cute person, would be so much fun. Actually it’s an adorable giant so well I wonder why the giant gets offended everytime you mention something. Stupid big fat giant!!!

white love...

Black and a deep shade of blue, and then the blast of redish pink, like the colour of the sky after the sun has set… sitting and watching colours swirl in front of you. Wait.
Were they colours or feelings?
Were they real or a dream?
Its anything but white, white stands for love right? A pure colour, but to have white love it takes you a lifetime and sometimes more… who said love was red? It can’t be, red love is incomplete love where your heart cries, white is the complete love without any expectations and without any combinations. It is just plain, clear and white… like pearls found deep down inside the ocean. hidden betwee layers and layers of sand and dirty water hitting past them a hundered million times, but when you find them and wipe them, they are WHITE without a crack or without turning brown and dirty...
White love

conflict

Sometimes I wonder if it is actually possible to have conflicting feelings for the same person but then I try to find out which feeling is the strongest… love or hate
But how would you know what is love or what is hate? How would you even know which is what when it hits you hard in the face? There could be a possibility that they are just conflicting thoughts but not feelings, but again how would you define feelings?