Sunday, November 23, 2008

Forever random

Forever… she’d been thinking about that word for a long time now. Often she’d think about it, hoping that someday someone would walk up to her and tell her that they’ll be there forever. But now as she played with those small blue capsules, the word made no sense. “You can wait for a while,” the voice repeated. She ignored it, not for the first time. She’d been through this entire debate so many times now, that when anyone said ‘wait’ she’d get irritated. She stuffed the capsules in to the tiny grey bottle carelessly and took her bike keys. An ice cream would make it easier, she thought.

She put on the helmet and shut her face with the dark visor. Suffocated as she might feel, she wanted to do all those things that she had been avoiding for the last few days. But this time she’d go to all those places and get done with it forever. The cold drops hit her hard, but it went fine with the mood and the purpose.

So she turned on the bike and it killed the silence with the weird rattling noise. The cold air hit her hard and she knew she wanted to feel everything she’d never felt before. This feeling was different too, it was a sad feeling, a sense of loss, a meaningless walking awat… It was about pain and pain it would be, she decided. She didn’t wear a jacket or tie her hair up, more pain, more hatred, more easy to get over it. Hatred, that wasn’t the feeling but anyway. She turned the music on and the rain covered her visor, it was pouring really hard and she couldn’t see anything but she knew where she was going. Now she remembered all those hours she’d spent locked up in Room no 109, listening to Shobhana Ma’am go on about how some crazy author defined pathetic fallacy through his poetry to get the message across. Those pieces made sense now, those words made sense now. She had a small story emerging in her head already. Even before she’d completed the first line or decided what the plot would be, in her head, her hands wanted to touch a keyboard and she wanted to start writing the story. “Empty roads and bright lights, crying skies and slow music… it was perfect! When she was happy it’d rain and she’d dance, when she was sad, it’d rain and she’d cry… how did this happen? How did it matter.” She came to a screeching hault, she had to stop and still the music continued in her ear. The cops were staring into her face, two of them, big fat mostached men. She hated moustaches, she vaguely remembered having this discussion with him and smiled as she lifted the visor. It was over a month now and she still couldn’t remember what she told those big fat cops or how they let her go without checking her license or the looks they exchanged when they saw her all drenched, wearing a thin t-shirt. All that didn’t matter then anyway. So the first place she’d decided to go to was the very road she’d been scared to go to ever since the cursed day. As she entered the road, everything came back, it felt like the moment froze right there and she was drawn back to the day she rode there with him. A blurred combination of black and white memories, a big orange sign, a huge cup of coffee with a huger heart, the cluttered table, the huge wooden bangle and the thin straw, she smiled even as tears rolled down her face. This is why she never wanted to come here. But since the end was close she decided she’d cry all she could and then finally rest. The place where she would park her bike always, remained empty obediently and she got off, looking around taking in all the minor details she’d always miss. She stood ten feet away from the orange place and the door, waiting for the same excitement to hit her hard and do things in her stomach. Nothing happened, but she was filled with a strange hollow feeling. An emptiness that made her want to sit there and cry. “Why why why, this is not how it should have ended, it shouldn’t have ended!”

The road was empty and she remembered standing in the heavy rain for over ten minutes thinking about the same things again and againg. Somehow she felt drained already, she could do with some coffee, the same huge cup with the heart.

She walked in, pushing the door slowly. She did not want to enter, no…
No one stood behind the counter and no one gave her a welcoming smile. The place was empty and silent. Atleast the disgusting music wouldn’t disturb her. Disturb, she thought, what was she planning to do anyway? She could see them sitting there, he was in his white t-shirt and she wore her old beige overcoat. She sipped from the huge cup of coffee even as he explained something about some forgotten sandwich. She smiled and burst out, the lifeless old rusted guitar being the only witness, She sat there thinking of the day when conversations flowed from across the glass, each time she thought of that day, she had smiled so much that everyone noticed… Sometimes in random meetings at office and sometimes when she was riding and even when she was listening to her mom shout at her. No one came, no one told her to stop crying, she cried thinking about all those days and all those talks she’d had with him. All those times when something would happen and she’d make a mental note about telling him something or discussing something with him… SHIT she missed him so much! How was it possible? She always made a conscious effort to not get too close to anyone, she always made sure she wouldn’t get attached to anyone… when did this happen? Why did this happen?

Was this the end, would she never speak to him again? Had she lost him forever? She needed him so so much, wanted to tell him that he shouldn’t stop speaking to him… could she meet him just once, one last time to tell him to not make it the ‘last’ time. She didn’t want things to end, he was the only person who treated her like a true friend… he’d talk to her when she was low, he’d listen to her when she was excited, he’d talk to her even when there was nothing to talk about… what had she done? Why had this happened? So suddenly, after the best day she’d had in her entire life. Why why… why wouldn’t anyone answer?

She couldn’t take it anymore and as she walked out she saw them walking out too, she saw him walking away towards her bike, as she followed… she still didn’t know why he’d done that? Wasn’t that weird, the last time he’d ever meet her??? Was it? She was so scared of the word ‘last’ now… she was scared, very very scared. She couldn’t take that anymore, she left them searching for the keys, as she rode away without looking back…

She couldn’t forget the look on his face when she’d dropped him off that night, she wanted to hug him once, she didn’t want him to leave, he didn’t even say bye, he didn’t walk away, he didn’t turn his back on her, but didn’ say anything else either. He stood there looking at her, patted her and said something she couldn’t comprehend, she just stared at him… oh this shouldn’t have ended like this, she thought. She wanted to cry, cry really really badly… she couldn’t let him go, was this the last time she’d see him, last time ever? What about the million things she wanted to tell him? What about those things she’d planned? What about the nice happy days? They never came… they should have… she couldn’t remember how long she stood staring at him, she couldn’t leave like that… but it was all over. She truly did things she’d never done before. She hadn’t broken down like this for eight years now. Not in the middle of a busy street atleast. It was over? Only if she could undo the last three hours. Please please… could someone do something, she wanted to change it, erase it, control z, undo, rewind, nothing worked and it was all over. She cried, she didn’t know what made her cry more, his face that kept popping up in front of her, or the fact that nothing will ever be the same again, or that she’d have to go back online tomorrow and look at him and not talk to him, or that she couldn’t call him or message him or ever speak to him again… how would she explain things to anyone, would things change?

She was so helpless, she looked back and didn’t see him, passed the India coffee house, where did that come from? Why?

She didn’t know how she got there but she saw her soon-to-be-married-friend. She was waiting for her, waiting to know if everything was alright… Shriya told her that she had something really terrible to tell her… her mom was on her way to cancel her marriage, less than 20 days left, cards all printed and delivered to everyone… what does she do now? She heard her out and didn’t know what to do… what was more painful… what was more big? How does it feel being her… before Shriya noticed anything about her swollen eyes, the power went off. She was glad that happened as reliving the day would kill her if she wasn’t already dead. She told her it was all ok. Alteast one thing was right, Shriya said. She left the room to get some dinner, she couldn’t stay here anymore. So she left somehow, she didn’t remember anything… she knew Shriya was depressed already, besides, what would she tell her… She didn’t know anything herself. She rode back, taking the longer route coz she couldn’t stop her tears anymore, nothing seemed right. Nothing… She’d never been in this situation ever… worse yes but nothing like this.

She wanted to speak but whom could she speak to? Dipika was really busy and Shriya was depressed herself, the only two people she spoke to really. Why…