Now that I am exactly a month away from completing 23 years of being alive, I've realized many things that need to be put down somewhere, for them to become memories that will last forever.
Well, there are some really good things about blogging, the best of the lot being that it is an easy way to forget things and move on... but the worst thing about putting down your thoughts is that they are gone from your heart. Precisely why I've been fearing blogging for a whole year now.
Well, to start with I met a guy who is the most beautifulest person of all. He is my best friend. He is a companion. He respects me, likes me and is always around, whether I'm jumping in joy or I'm sulking away about silly issues... I like him very much. He's probably the best human being I've met till day. Very selfless, very dignified, with some really simple thoughts about life and living. He's going away to Germany now, and then he's going to quit. I've had some really interesting and fun times with him, but sadly I know that once he's gone, it will become like one of those 'good-friend-gone-away-so-lost-touch' kinda thing... its sad how I move on so easily from people... I don't want that to happen, but eventually, it will.
'Eventually'. A word that has always scared me. Words can be scary sometimes, coz they are not just words scribbled on paper, they have power. They have the power of changing your life so much... Eventually, things happen. Eventually things are meant to happen, eventually things end, eventually feelings change, eventually people you like go away, eventually you move one... you see why the word eventually is so scary?
So why the word 'eventually' brought the world crashing down on me was because the 24th year of my life will start with just memories of some happy days I spent with another beautiful person I met in the 23rd year of my life... Well, this story will need some dramatization, coz that's what I'm known for...
Hmmm... so life is going still, I'm just out of a hugely publicized assumed link up... Sitting and smoking away on the steps of the old canteen and this man walks in, laughing, patting one of his friend and walking in with a scarily slender woman... He enters the canteen and I curse my luck. And a fact that all my friends know is that my heart melts when I see a Punjabi... Punjabi men have the hottest, coolest look, they can charm me by just walking past me and they won't even have to try further. They have this amazing calm on their face, that no other breed of human being can ever possess... hmmm now that's nice, isn't it?
So getting on with our story, he walked into the canteen and I cursed more than my fate, I cursed Neha for not going up to him and striking a conversation... I cursed Denzil, for not going up to him to ask for a match box - his answer 'but I have a lighter, why would I ask for a matchbox'. Somehow my feelings were less important than his ego of possessing a lighter. MEN.
Anyway so there was someone else, whom I don't quite remember and I pleaded him to go talk to the man with a hot black turban... he didn't go either. Damn! I cursed my luck some more and got up to make my way to the lift, but god had other plans. The black turbaned man, whom we'll call hottie from now on, walked up to the stairs assuming that our gang was going to leave and he can sit there with his friends, but little did he know that my heart was pounding so hard that if I moved from that step I feared that my heart would fall out. And the rest as they say is history...
Well ok not really, so he came he sat there, and then we had the first sane conversation of our lives, the conversation from my end consisted of me zooming in and out on his face... pondering over my long lasting conception of men with moustaches...
However that ended too soon. We all left. He left!!!
I got over my crush and moved on. Met Sudheep the next evening and some crazy urge hit me, which we will not discuss here.
The same evening I'm having a furious discussion with Denzil again in the basement this time, over how to not look desperate and still kiss someone. This is when Mr Hottie walks in. And voila! My heart does a summersault that caught me off guard. And Mr Denzil has to hasss to go on about our discussion, explaining the nuances of catching someone by surprize and landing a loud peck on their lips.
Anyway, men can't but give advices. So our man gets too engrossed in the discussion and starts giving me tips about doing the unthinkable. And well the excitement of talking to him was so gripping that I got involved in the conversation, imagining doing that to him right then and there. But well I am a dignified person am I not?
So well I was really hungry that night and everyone else had non-veg. He said he can bring me some food and I refused, just coz its damn weird, we'd just met and if I already started having demands it would be weirder. But little did any of us know that we'd have millions of occasions when my craving for butterscotch ice cream would drive him up the wall.
However he went home and I got back to feeling blah. But after a while he called and he said he has some pulao at home and guess what he got a box full of pulao for me... back from home, to the office. We then ate, I ate and stared at him for the longest time ever and then we went for cig and tea to residency road. Isla, Denzil, hottie and me.
Next day, I buy a guitar with Sudheep and lose all interest in him the instant I look at his face. I buy the guitar, have lunch with a whiny married friend and Sudheep joins in, I make a fool of myself trying to play 'nothing else matters' and 'chasing cars' on the guitar, right in the middle of Pascucci... and then I leave. I shop with Nivedita, where she shops for everything in the world, then I leave and meet Denzil. We go to coconut groove and deepali joins us. And that night things changed.
Well for now, a man who seemed just like a calm, composed and nice person became someone else. He became someone who could drive me crazy by just looking into my eyes.
Denzil and Deepali called him. He came. They told him. They put me through the most embarrassing moments of my life. I was so terrified to look at his face that i hid my face with my hair. Even today I remember that it seemed like my face and hair were both similar in color- RED.
So then we spoke, we dropped both of them and spent a little time together, where magic was created...
And the magic lasted for a long time. However, it got over too soon.
The magic that was spun around me was just... well... magical. I can't forget any of those moments.
The beautiful night sitting on the top of the world, close to him, where the stars were above us and the ground was below us... the long drives where we always ended up without fuel... that night when I sat in his car, acting dead, so that no drunk person tries to break in, while he ran around for fuel and he met a god sent angel, when he sat in the car outside the small coffee day on the way to airport hiding and I kept coming close to him to embarrass him, some fifty million times... again and again and again... and that night, remember... when Denzil and Deepali gave us our 'much deserved privacy', and the beauty of watching TV in the outside room when everyone else was sleeping... pretending to watch TV rather, and how we 'saw' that movie with a turned off monitor of the computer over and over and over again... I still don't remember the name of the movie :P, his urge to cook that someone manifested itself only when the clock strikes 2 am...
And oh that day when we ran out of petrol outside Urvashi and had to be rescued... I hated going home without hugging him... And the most dear memory of all, reaching my home and not wanting to go and so going back to 'drink some tea'... Damn i'll miss all of those days :( they are gone, gone forever... they'll stay with me forever, but they're gone...
I'm happy he came into my life, made me live an experience that I've never faced... the feeling of being loved, and yet although I'm happy that this happened to me, i'm still sad that this was all, there'll be no more such days, such moments, such beautiful memories... its over.
I already miss him. And sometimes I wonder, won't it be difficult to see him around, and not hug him..... it would. It would be killing. like someone stabbing you with a million daggers...
And walking with him holding his hand tight, so that the dogs in that dark lane don't chase me... Shit its sad. I hate living with this feeling. Only if I could bring back the magic for just ten mins, I could live the rest of my life with that feeling... the ten mins that I will have forever with me.
Does life always have to be a bitch?
Do you always have to let go of things close to your heart just because you have to?
I'm sad. for now. but I know in a few days it'll all be ok. I'll be back to being myself. this, would be forgotten. this would be forgotten too.
And isn't that sad, feelings are things that make you human. And yet, you like someone one day and then the next day something happens and u hate him... then something nice happens and you are back to loving the same person. And now although I like him, I've to pretend like i don't just so that i can move on...
And in a few days my feelings will die. Feelings are so frivolous... they come and they go... just like everything else in life.
If only we could just forget the world and live in the moment, we'd have more memories that would bring a smile to our faces when we are old, greying and don't have much to smile about...
Please come back :(
Saturday, March 27, 2010
I know the path: it is straight and narrow. It is like the edge of a sword. I rejoice to walk on it. I weep when I slip. God’s word it: “He who strives never perishes.” I have implicit faith in that promise. Though therefore, from my weakness I fail a thousand times, I shall not lose faith.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
“Even though we've changed and we're all finding our own place in the world, we all know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we'll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point where we're not all still friends.”
Sunday, November 08, 2009
Its not the first time that this thought has struck me, nor the first time I've spent hours thinking about it. But really, where will I be a couple of years from now? Like in 2011, what would I be doing. Would I still be in Bangalore? Would I still be trying to make it somewhere in life? Would I still be the same personally? The people around me, will they still be around? Would I stop feeling the same way about them, like I do now? Would they just go away like every other person? Would things change?
I wonder where all of us will be, lost, in our own world. Trying to make it big somewhere, trying to battle all the odds...
I had a good friend, there was a time I thought I couldn't do without talking to him atleast once a day, or having long conversations with him for hours till late in the night. There was so much that I wanted to do, to talk, I felt so much, but then one fine day it all went away and now we're on our own paths. Now I have another good friend. He's everything to me, I can't do without talking to him, without spending atleast ten minutes talking to him everyday, whatever happens, whether he's rude to me or good to me, sweet or completely lame, I just can't do without staring at me for minutes, looking at his face, looking at him eat, I might be in love with him, I might not, but then I wonder, I'm scared rather, will he go away too? Will my feelings just change one fine day, will it not remain like it is now, forever. And the sad part is before I stopped speaking to my old best friend, I never knew everything will just vanish, just go away without a trace. Sometimes I try to bring it back, it doesn't come, sometimes I wonder why it isn't working anymore, maybe I've really moved on. Funny, there were times I was trying to move on, trying to forget him and just move on in life and mysteriously it never happened. Now when I didn't want anything to change, it did. But anyway, will everything change with romeo as well? Won't I miss him? Won't I feel bad after its all gone. Damn it can't go, It WON'T go. I won't let it go. Damn these mental conversations!
Saturday, November 07, 2009
As Bryan Adams hums 'Here I am' in the background, I'm reminded of the first day when I walked into this place. Yeah I know, I'm making it sound like its been forever, but then I have to write about this! Its a strange world, here. Everything is very different, everything is surely new but a weird new. There's so much happening, of course I've been introduced to a whole new world of electronic media. People tell me that this place teaches you all that you shouldn't do in any electronic media organisation, so basically its the don't do's of news channels that I'm supposed to learn here. However coming to the point, its been two months and a day that i've been here. I remember my first job at Deccan Herald where all I did all day was blog about my experiences, or the zilch of it. Anyway yea so lets not get too lost and quickly let me put down a few things that I should have put down long back, things that have impacted me the most about life in here...
ok lets do this in the bullet style:
GEMS OF WISDOM...
1. Do not trust people too easily. Basically take time to judge people, as much as I hate doing that I've learnt that it is an important thing to do...
2. You cannot be nice to everyone. Sometimes, just sometimes you need to learn to be harsh to people. to make your point clear and to put your foot down...
3. This one is something that my mother was always told be her mother, and obviously in one of her long lectures she passed this on to me. Being too nice to everybody in all circumstances, is NOT always the best way to deal with things.
4. Acting busy is ok. Sometimes when you have absolutely nothing to do in life, you tend to just relax, go for a smoke, put your head down and sleep, barge into the conference room and read newspapers - Remember NOT to do that. Behave just like everyone else does, act busy, even if you are facebooking, do it in style, with a serious expression on your face, with a stern face, even when deep inside you are laughing on your friends uber hilarious status message.
5. Make sure you get things right in your head. Why are you here? What do you want? What are your short and long term goals? Do you really want to be here? I mean really, here???
Not being too sarcastic, but just trying to get things right in my head at the moment, sometimes blogging can help you realise the 50 million things that you should be doing and you aren't... if you agree raise your hand and scratch your armpit! :D
Mayn, only if I had all the time in my life, I'd just write, write and write... like forever. Trust me
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Isn't it weird how we love people so easily and isn't it even more weird that somehow it doesn't take us too long to hate the same person! And then get back to loving him again, with the same feelings, jus coz he gave u a big fat bear hug and apologized for his mistake...
and two days later, we're back to hating him for some reason or the other...
the process goes on...
its a cycle
a cycle of emotions
a sad one!
and two days later, we're back to hating him for some reason or the other...
the process goes on...
its a cycle
a cycle of emotions
a sad one!