So irritated!

Its been like the worst day ever! I dono why but a lot of things.
1. I wanted to listen to 'Fix you' so so so badly but my damn phone had no memory space. I even deleted 'truly madly deeply' but still there wasn't any space! I hate my phone!
2. Th net was down the ENTIRE day, I mean the whole day!!! How do you work? I completed only two articles, I planned and planned all night to complete three! One more for tomorrow.
3. I was so hungry, but I din't go down. Not my fault! I sat with deeksha for a while (ten mins) and I got back and the boss thinks I was away for 45 mins!
4. The quark copy dispatch server chose to fall flat when I was 5 minss away from completing and sending my article! So the status was, I sent my article and the boss left! So the count is one article.
5. The person I don't want to meet comes to meet me!!!

it lingers on...

Its such a disgusting life, when you have to wait and wait! Everyone laughs around me and I give them a very lame smile. They are overjoyed about something, something that I don’t know and something that I don’t care about. I feel so bad about something, there’s this sinking feeling inside I don’t know why. Everyone is talking about someone, discussing her dress and the way she talks and what she writes..., I’m lost.

I hate this cycle, I mean I always get close to people and they ALWAYS leave me and go away...even if they don’t go, they are around but they don’t really bother. I hate it, Its always the same story, the same damn cycle. It starts, it happens and then I say and its all calm for a while, but then all of a sudden it vanishes, goes away, its all over, the loneliness hits me hard and it traps me. I’m gripped between the worst moments of my life... forever. And I’ll be trapped forever. I can’t get out, I’m trying and trying but I can’t get out.

And more QUESTIONS

Sometimes you are just so so irritated with so many things that you don’t notice the small tiny things that happen around you. On second thoughts, these things aren’t really small. In the busyness of your life, you don’t notice that you are drifting away from certain otherwise important relationships! Its sometimes good, when the person really doesn’t mean much to you but what if the person and you shared a good relationship before? What do you do then? Do you just let go, hoping that things will fall in place after a while OR do you make that effort to sort out things? Do you question yourself about why YOU make that effort and not him/ her? Is it possible for you to keep the ego apart and sort things out? Can you forget everything and move on? Is it possible to MOVE ON at all? But why should you move on when you like the person? Why do you always get carried away? Is it possible to love someone? Can you love someone and be loved too, is it possible? Why do people generally get bored? Why do people generally categorize you based on what you say and not on what you are?
Is it possible for me to stop questioning?

I hate this feelin

I hate this post-that state when u wait and wait and wait and nothin happens. Why don't people bother? Don't they bother about anythin? I mean it doesn make sense, its really really stupid!
its almost like its all over...over and will never come back, nothin will ever happen. I don't want to feel the pain, but I have to. I don't want to feel bad about it all, but its all just flooding my emotions. I hate this, hate this so much that I can't hold my tears now, I don't care who's looking and I don't bother answering when they question 'what happenend?' I don't want anyone around, why isn't it possible that I just close my eyes and everything around me just fades away? I want to stay alone
To stay away from everyone!
But now I want some answers, some very very precise and frank answers!
and I want the answers right from the horse's mouth. I mean there's a limit to everything
I'm going mad with those terrible dreams of her and him and her again! Its almost like the things Ron saw when he was supposed to kill the thing in the locket! I mean what the hell, why me!
I hate this phase and I want to get rid of this feeling.
Moreover, its all my fault I shouldn try and go back in time. She kept saying "let the past be PAST. don't try to do things that would ruin ur present!" and I kept retorting, "I love him."
But this is not fair at all! I hate this and I want a damn answer!!!

Everythin was fine, what happened now? why all this? I never asked for anythin? where did all that warmth go? how did it fade away just like that? Why this moving apart? why this separation? Why this withdrawing? Why the invisibility? Why the hide and seek? I hate hate hate this!!!

and it happened!

He asked, What is it that you want for your birthday?
She smiled...
Don't fear, just tell me...
She whispered, can you give me what Ginny gave Harry on his 17th birthday?
Can we make it a night to remember?
Can we sit here smiling at each other forever and ever?
Can you reflect the same warmth that I hold in my eyes?
Can we just sit here forever...?
He stood up
and turned,
He went away... to never return back.
He was gone... even before the dewy droplet left her eye...
He’d never return, never come back., never look back and see her sitting there waiting for him to turn.
She wanted to run, to shout out his name, to stop him, plead and tell him she won’t ask for anythin again. Maybe he’ll return... but maybe he won’t!
She din’t want anythin more than him, her world was shattered and tears rolled down her fair cheek. She wanted to forget him, wanted to get up and run away...run away to nowhere,
She wanted to cry and wail over her lost love... She couldn’t!
She just sat there and eternity dawned and she sat waiting for him to return, waiting for him to come back, waiting for him to come back and tell her its all a joke, waiting for him to promise that he’s always going to be there for her...
She waited thinking that the impossible might happen and he never came, he never turned to look back...how could he be so heartless?
is it wrong that she wants to love him?
is it wrong that she loved him more than anyone, anythin ever?
is it wrong that she had promised her life and death unto him?
is it wrong that she wanted to sit there waiting for him to return, take her in to his arms and kiss her like no one’s ever kissed her?
is it wrong that she waited while the tears kept rolling down?
She had no hope, no dream, no life left...she was dead!

can I...

Do stars listen to you?
Can you swing from one star to the other?
Is it possible for you to eat chocolate all day without feelin guilty?
Can you eat butterscotch icecream all day and still have cravings for more?
Can you go to juhu beach everyday and eat the yummmm chat and pav bhaji there?
Can you stop talking about food when you know that all you get for dinner is dal, rice, rasam and sometimes the yum papad?
Can you change the topic whenever you want to?
Can you have a ‘tropical iceberg’ or ‘iced eskimo’ everytime you go to coffee day?
Can you always pull his cheeks and tell him that he’s sooooo cute?
Can you stop thinkin about what he might feel if you say somethin?
Can you tell him how much you love him everytime he says ‘hello’ or goes away for dinner?
Can you stop thinkin about him while riding or while sleepin under your blanket or while ur alone or while ur eatin or while ur workin or while ur writin this?
Can you stop smiling thinkin about somethin sweet that he said?
Can you stop smiling thinkin about the sweet nothings that he said?
Can you stop smiling thinkin about the things he might say?
Can you smile back from the computer?
Can you stop blushin when someone mentions him?
Can you stop saying weird things when he speaks?
Can you stop drifting away purposely?
Can you jump and hop between the clouds and skip and dance on the moon?
Can you hug someone you love really really tightly and feel the person’s presence?
Can you always, between breaks or when your alone, repeat his name in the silence and see how it sounds?
Can you see, touch, feel and express love?
Can you please please once get a chance to express your feelings, to tell the person that its really really him, that you totally are in love with him and that you can’t stop thinking about him and probably stuff some chocolate in to his mouth so he can’t say somethin mean like ‘I can’t reciprocate your feelings’?
Can you say somethin funny that makes him smile?
Can you just make things work for yourself?
Can you just stop asking things and acting weird and thinkin about things that might not happen?
Can you please give up hope?
Can you please stop this?
Can you please eat a butterscotch icecream?
Can you please not smile and cry at the same time?

In lonely hours...

Last nite I was lying down, the night air brushing past my face from the open windows behind me. I stare at the starless sky, the moving clouds, the dark sky...somewhere above there he sits, he who has so many answers. What would I not give to spend some time with him, ask him so many questions about why I have to not know how it will all end... the phone rings, hope its him, please let it be him, please please...its not!!! Stupidness thrown at my face from the glowing damn phone.

Is duniya mein dost kam milenge,
Is duniya mein gam hi gam milenge,
Jaha duniya najar fer legi,
Us mode par tumhein ham milenge

What the fuck! AND this comes from this weirdo whom I haven spoken to since the past 10 years!!! do u get the irony?
Anyway so thats it, the phone goes below the pillow and the sky gazing continues...every night I noticce a new thing, a new realisation...that happens when I talk to him too, my mind says. shhh I say, thats it I've seen it...I'm trying to figure out what it exactly is.
The phone rings...I hope its him, shit atleast this time...please god please. The phone, shit I can't find it...damn NOT AGAIN. oh, its just her. so blah... I mean she thinks I'm in love...'blah' I reply...First mistake: Never say blah to someone who's trying to help.
The phone rings just the next minute, shit! I don't even wanna pray its him coz its not going to happen. Its a bomb the ranting continues...my eyes wander from the message.

Im looking for something, can't find it...oh stop - what am I looking for? I don't know.
Why? Why always? Everytime...Its not fair!
"Life never is!"
who's it?
"Its me...I'm right here you can't see me but I know...I always know."
Tell me, tell me please...give me the answers
"Oh you will know everything when the time comes..."
Shit she's reading my thoughts!!!
Tell me no...please u can't do this to me!
"haha...stop acting like a baby. and please get a life, stop asking about the same things always...he's bored now."
He's bored? Who's bored? Damn can't anyone EVER give me straight answers?
"God! He's bored with your silly questions, he sent me here to remind you that your wasting your time, get started on doing something worthwhile. My personal opinion - get a life and stop being an ass! I mean there are just so many others, why ask for someone who doesn't even bother about you."
shut up and leave me alone. Who asked you to give me your opinion?
"Ungrateful humans!!!"
watever, now jus go! I'd rather not have you give me ur nonsense.
"I'm supposed to stay with you...forever, to guide you and help you with your problems. He sent me, who wants to stay with a nasty little pig like you anyway. I mean look at your room...clothes, books, papers, cds, pens...yuck! And 'Ms.I-will-do-something' wants to change the world. Listen to me, the change starts hear, SETTLE YOUR ROOM FIRST, we'll think about the world later, hahaha."
Patience...keep quiet...avoid...don't bother...its all a dream...she's not here....she din't say that...SHIT she said that!!!
U DAMN BITCH! GET OUT, I DON'T CARE!!! I DON'T NEED YOU. I DON'T NEED ANYONE...I have a mother who yells about all that jazz anyway. JUST GO!!!
"whatever!!! Have a good sleep. oh I forgot, the pig doesn't feel sleepy nowadays, another problem I need to solve huh??? and she shouts like she doesn't need me... oh now she cries...awhhh my little nasty baby!!!"

Please please I hope she's gone...shit if she's around I'm going away...
"Empty threats again?"
I don't care, who are you?
"Me, well I'm...ah you can call me GOD, if you want."