I wonder and I wonder

What do you do when your sad to death?
Whom do you talk to?
Can you possibly explain all that you are going through to someone at all?
Is it possible that this someone will even understand?
Is it ok if this someone looks at it differently and doesn't understand the unfairness of the situation?
What do you do when you really really hate a person? Why do you say that you hate the person, when it is what she/he does that you actually hate?
Why do you hate it?
Do you hate it because its evil and nasty? Or do you hate it because whatever happened pises you off? Or do you hate it because its unfair?
Do you not like it when it happens to you only coz it happens to you? Or do you not like it when it happens to you and not the others?
Why are people unfair?
Why is there so much of partiality?
Why do ass-lickers get better stuff than those who choose to stay neutral?
Why can't you listen to the songs that you want to, when you want to?
Why do people choose to ignore your work just because you choose to work honestly instead of socialising and screaming in office?
Why does everyone hate you so much when you get a page one byline?
Why can't you just be yourself and still be happy?
Why can't people just leave you alone?
Why can't you just run away in the jungle, without anything or anyone?
Why can't things just pause when you want them to?
Why do you question?
Why so many why's?
Why no answers?
Why a start?
And why a conclusion?
Why a thought?
And why an action?
Why a feeling?
And why neutrality?
Why love?
And why none of it?
Why hatred?
And why more of it?
Why this sky?
And why no end to it?
Why the stars?
And why their death?
Why this life?
And why no end to it???
Why me?
And why... this nonsense?

They call it 'Hakuna Matata'

There are a few things in life we feel, and feel only once. No feeling lasts too long... it keeps changing. So if you liked a person once upon a time, then the feelings might have surely taken a different form now. Ofcourse there are a few relationships you’ll build where the feelings will remain unperturbed come what may, like the respect you have for a teacher who taught you certain important lessons, then there is the relationship between the landlady and your family that is a hate-hate relationship. The other obvious relationships, boss-emplyee (love-hate) not-so-good friends, collegues, acquaintences, orkut friends, irritating forward senders, the watchman, the waiter at Mc Donalds blah blah blah...
The point I’m trying to make is that I always tried to avoid contemplating such issues, these things are damn tricky, feelings I mean. Instead of understanding the real feelings I always took the easiest way out, always stereotyped them. Its either “I love this” or “I hate this.”
Course there is the typically me, “I don’t care” too but that is just the thing I say when I feel all blah. And that’s the case with a lot of people. They brand people based on two things:
1. How well you know them.
2. How are they useful to you.
So the idea is that you rarely try to understand people and find out how much they mean to you. Your feelings towards the person might be something completely different than what you might be labeling it. So it all boils down to one thing - We are living life for the heck of it, but there are a few people, very few, who ‘experience life’. It seems to be something too easy to say, but its hell difficult to become someone like that. Our ‘hammered-with-stereotypes’ mind throws up a question, “Why should we even bother understanding stuff?” Well, you wouldn’t know unless you experience something like it. I’ve came across a few people who actually understand and think about issues too deeply. Its weird but its amazing to do that. Do not try to find a single point I’m making through this post, I’m making multiple points or maybe none, you'll never know coz nor will I.
I always thought that things happen to you because you make them happen for you, I still believe that is the case, but in the process of ‘making things happen for yourself’ you generally forget certain basic things, certain things that you underestimate, certain intircaies of unsaid things, a few things that are often easy to misunderstand or just that they are too complicated to understand.
For the past few days I’ve been fighting this inner battle, trying to switch names on certain relationships, either trying to tag hatred as love, or tagging love as friendship and its too too tough. So all I did all day was listen to certain blues that made me feel worse and made me cry (again making things happen) and then I don’t know what happened and I had this weird flashback and I remembered somethin someone said about how I’m just lying to myself. SHIT! although obviously I denied it, tried not to think about it, ignored the comment, did all I could - but I couldn’t get it out of my head. I’ve always kept saying things to myslef. Always. Without really realising what I’m saying, never pondered over anything, never made time for trivial things (like relationship with family, neighbours, acquaintances, friends). Lying to someone else is bad, but its atleast ok when compared to what I’ve been doing, I’ve been lying to myself about a lot of things. Lots of very important things. Leading a life full of contradictions. When I loved someone and I knew it wouldn’t work out, I told myself that its actually not love, its friendship, and when I hated somone, I told myself that its not actually hatred that I feel but a certain dislike. I’ve always repeated these lies to myslef, assuming that it is THE truth. This was followed by an entire process of convincing myslef that it is the truth and when that din’t happen the pain and distress that followed was doubled by the sense of loss that occupied me. The healing process then begun, with another lie, that it wasn’t meant to happen, there is more in store, more good things to come and all jazz. But this realization - that its not a great idea to lie to yourself about your feelings brought about a whole new experience. Everytime I tried to understand my feelings about the most important relationships in my life, there were some 50 million questions that came about.
I always thought that I hate all my relatives, the truth is I don’t understand hatred. I keep saying the word, but I don’t understand these things - love, hatred or anythin. Its not my relatives or my home that I hate but the circumstances that really are irritating.
Then I thought I love him, but then what is love? How do you know its love when you haven’t experienced anything of that sort?I’ve felt similar things for different people at different points of time in life, but that time I din’t call it love, then now why am I calling it love?
Possibility 1: Maybe because I’ve never come across someone with such a powerful personality, someone who is so sure about so many things, someone who made me question so many things that I’ve been basing my life on. But why is it love? What is love? Does is exist at all? Its shit complicated to understand love!
Possibility 2: Maybe because I had a small stupid crush on him when I was 13 something. Too early to understand anything. And now after 8 years I spoke to him agian. But thats unlikely because I liked so many people when I was young (celebrities and others) but when I met them now, I din’t feel anything of this sort.
Possibilty 3: Maybe it is love, maybe we were destined to meet/speak, Maybe all this was supposed to happen, maybe someone sitting up there wrote this for me. But again what is the evidence that there is someone sitting up there who writes destinies? Anyway it is possible and it isn’t. The famous DTPH talk doesn’t really make sense really.

Conclusion:After a lot of questioning, a detailed analysis of the brain and the heart, too many sad songs, a whole week of sleepless nights, unlimited coffee and many tears, I’ve concluded that I’ve been misunderstanding a lot of stuff. I’ve been stereotyping many relationships and their fates, generalising a lot. Its time to put an end to it and if I continue it will only be going back to old times, which is terrible. Last night came as a relief, I don’t know what happened and how it all fell in place, everything I’ve been ignoring, suddenly made sense, like I found the missing piece of a jigsaw puzzle, I was looking for it everywhere and I found it in the place I was least expecting. Now I have, to an extent understood a lot of stuff and I feel so relieved, a certain calm, a weird feeling of tranquility, amidst all the commotion that I’m physically surrounded by. Its like the end of an era, an end to a busy day at work, a tiring day that took away all my energy, like the first time butterscotch ice cream feels when you finally eat it after weeks of craving, like the hot air coming from your hairdryer dries all the wet hair and the peace you feel as your body hits the soft bed and sleep - that has been eluding you for an entire week whispers something in your ears and your eyes close magically. The black enchantress plays her seductive flute and drags you deep in to her world full of dreams, a world where there isn’t anythin to do, a place where everything pleasant happens, a place where you smile, laugh even, wholeheartedly, where there isn’t any feeling of loss, no fear, no anxiety, no insecurity, because there isn’t any feeling, no emotions, just a world full of dreams, illusive realities that linger in the now - empty corridors of your mind.
A perfect example of wavering from the topic :) This realisation has caused me a lot of pain but now I’m glad that I atleast understand stuff thats happening within. I'm a different person, from what I was a few weeks back. Its weird, but its true - I feel all elated, all happy, like a victory over something that generally is ununderstandable. And I'm glad I made the effort. I feel like I'm sitting on the highest cloud, singing something like 'Hakuna Matata.'

Perfect!

Certain feelings are so weird, actually not certain but feelings in genral are really weird. You can’t understand them, but sometimes you feel pain, hatred, love and the likes and the worst part is that its always so tough to understand stuff, you feel bad about something but you don’t know what the reason is. You are hurt or pissed or depressed but you can’t figure out the real reason behind these feelings.
And thats when you get a mail, messge or some random way through which these quotes pop up in front of you just out of the blue. And whats more, they make perfect sense... so here they are, they not only make you contemplate certain issues but they word unexpressible feelings perfectly.

This is the best one...
“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.”
- Jim Morrison
(American Poet and Singer. Member of the American band The Doors and one of rock music's mythic figures. 1943-1971)

This is brilliant...
“I would much rather have regrets about not doing what people said, than regretting not doing what my heart led me to and wondering what life had been like if I'd just been myself.”
- Brittany Renée
(English Author and Dancer, b.1986)

Before we move on to the best one, read this. So true...
“If only. Those must be the two saddest words in the world.”
- Mercedes Lackey

Calling this one perfect, would be an understatement! Its too too good...
“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”
- Neil Gaiman
(English born American Novelist, Journalist, Screenwriter, Children's author and Comics writer of American Gods, amongst many others, b.1960)

Randomness

Its the saddest I’ve felt so far, i’m so so sad. I can’t think right, I can’t do anythin, its all so boring, I’ve lost interest in everything. I’ve always felt like this whenever I got too close...
I know it won’t work out, I always know, but I still try. I’m too scared off everything, I hate the stupid questions that keep popping up. These things scare me like crazy. I don’t like the feeling.
Why does this have to happen?
why do we have to have feelings?
why do we have to feel these things?
why can’t we just be indifferent to everything?
why can’t we be neutral about things?
why can’t we just not be born?
why can’t we just die whenever we want to?
why is it that all of us have to go through all this?
why can’t life be all bland, drab and boring?
I’ve so lost the link, the flow...its all gone. I can’t write my stories anymore, nothing! Writing doesn’t help, it never did, but now it doesn’t come. I try writing and it doesn’t happen. I don’t like it when people go away, I don’t like it when they come back and I hate it when it gets all boring too, it doesn’t make sense, but anyway nothin ever does. I think its the dementia praecox but what if it is, and what if it isn’t? Big deal...
Its all blur, I try to see what it is that is somewhere ahead of me, its there, I want to see, but may be I don’t.
Its all crap - the work, writing, feeling, thinking, talking, eating, this life, death...its all so crappy. Its no big deal...! But maybe it is...
I'm just so so... I dono what. Whatever it is, I don't like it. I like the old me, I hate this constant battle. This battle with the inner voice, I hate thinking about it, all along its been a stupid reality, its just an illusion actually, like the deer...it eludes you whenever you try to get closer and then its gone forever, to never return, it doesn't happen consciously, but it does happen... but wait a minute.. doesn't all this happen coz I make this happen for me...actually thats the problem, I try to make things happen...maybe I should, maybe I shouldn't. I dono. The inner voice lies, I dono whom to ask. No one to answer, no answers maybe, maybe they are like the deer who runs away whenever u try to get closer. The point is that u shudn't try... its never worth it. Maybe sometimes it is but still.
People always say they want to become children again, they love childhood and those days, they miss the point always.

so much to say, so less time

I tried and tried, but couldn't post anything all week. Not that I was super busy or din't have anything to write about but I just couldn't get in to the right frame of mind. Everytime I opened blogger and clicked on new post, the page obediently opened and the keyboard yearned for the touch of my fingers (I know thats super hilarious) but I couldn't put I just couldn't word everything well.
However, its a Saturday (again) and I've had loads to do (yea inspite of it being a weekend!!!) so I've been hell busy for the last three days...what with the damn fitness schedule, events, interviews and a lot of melodrama at office. Lots has changed since the last time I posted and probably everything is bound to change evenmore.

The biggest pain:
The biggest thing that happened was the argument with Becky. It pised me out totally. Haven't been so stressed out in the past month. It is the silliest thing we could have an argument on, something that she has to learn. I feel so stuck between both the relationships. Its not that I become a different person with both of them, I'm always myself they look at me differently. Its weird and stupid and the entire thing is totally psyching me out!
First: Being judgmental is bad, not that I am not. I'm as they call it 'goddess of generalizations' but jumping to conclusions without even knowing another person is bad. Idiotic, in other words.
Second: WE are 'supposed' to be mature people. And if you feel so bad about something as stupid as this, then atleast you shouldn't make it so obvious. I mean get a life people!!!
Third: I think this is the stupidest thing I've put up on my blog...Yes, it even beats the crappy things I've put up about my incomplete crushes/ infatuations/ love whatever!

Anyway moving on...

The next thing that happened this week was the Interview with Dr. Kalam. I received weird responses to this one. From "Who's APJ?" to "I'm so proud of you!" (No, that wasn't any family member. They just said "oh, ok!") It was a few friends and classmates.
He remembered and I'm just happy coz its the second time I did it and coz the happiness that my boss reflected when I told her about it was really good. I could sleep that night without having to worry about the work next day(not that I anyway do, but the guilt atleast gives me a reason to wake up every morning and get to work :P)

Next...

The 'moving on' is finally happening and the conscious reminders are helping. I've decided that it makes no sense (as he puts it) to "categorize all significant relationships as something romantic." I've been thinking and thinking about this and it actually makes sense. It is hard, really really tough and almost seems like I'm cheating myself, but somethings are never meant to be., and the article I did on break ups really helped. I only hope I can really get over him totally. It would be a lie to say that I'm not trying (as 'D' keeps saying) coz I'm really making the effort. Everytime something he said crosses my mind I always get myself busy and its really hurting , I cry and cry but I have to move on. And I hope the fitness thing helps.


Which brings me to the last thing that really made this week eventful...
Getting back to swimming
People at home think I'm just a loser and people at work think that I'm doing it to impress someone. Others think I'm jobless and some have even told me that I so can't do it. Generally the feedback I've received for this decision of mine has been negative. There were a few who called to say that this is the right time to get back and some others (Read: Coach) had a tear in their eye when I told them that. Its three days and I've had to pay for that one damn tear!
I mean 10 kms isn't a damn joke. I couldn't get up from the bed when I returned, it was only when my mom said that I could stay back and help her cook food and clean up my room that I got up to go to office! Torture!
Well Day one, I was FOUR hours late and since then I've had to run 10 kms.
Day two, running 5 kms and a lot of disgusting kind of exercises. The obscene-st of the lot were the crunches. When I was told I had to do them I was so happy that 5 kms were being reduced but shit these crunches are the worst things ever. I rather run 15 kms than do 10 crunches everyday. (A little exaggeration is allowed)
Day three: I couldn't be more dead! Shit! I hate hate hate doing crunches.
Day four is tomorrow. If I don't ever post anything after this, consider me dead and do send in your condolences (not that anyone cares)

Anyway this is it. Nothing else bloggable happened this week so I'm just going to end this post here.
OHH and I have to mention this, the song of the week: Yellow by cold play and Romeo and Juliet by Dire Straits, both proved good competition to the song that has won - 7 things I hate about you by Miley Cyrus. I loved this song, she's ok but the lyrics make a lot of sense. However, Dire Straits was the heights of romantic-ness ;)

I dono what to call it!

Apparently 21 years back I was born on this day, its this festival we have today (21 yrs back it was on 15th aug! Whateve!) where we are forced to eat only cold food! Well thats another reason I was named 'cold' or Sheetal. Only I'm just the opposite - I get angry very soon, I think people are mean and I get offended too often! Anyway otherwise I'm cool with a lot of things. Oh yea and I'll speak to people and be myself with them only if I like them! Anyway thats not the purpose of this post. Actually I dono the purpose of this post, I just got bored working on the articles and got bored eating cold food at work (when there's yum food downstairs) so I tot I'd visit my cute lil blog and write something!
Ok its a Saturday, end of the very long mixed week. I could safely tag this week as the worst I've had but for a few things that happened here and there.
I spoke to a few people I din’t imagine I’d speak to ever again in my life.
I went to Mc.Donald's with the biggest wannabe ever created.
I went to Mc.Donald's and DIN’T have a burger.
I drank the biggest hugest glass of coke which never got over. The after effects were terrible tho (esp riding back home with a full sac, Oh its bad)
I went to Mc.Donald's at 10:30 pm only to have a burger and spoke to deeksha about things that I’ve never spoken about. (was fun tho...)
I had the creamiest yummiest coffee ever. A barista special :)
(Why can I only talk about food!!!?)
And I spoke to him about a few things that I can’t imagine discussing with any other guy.
Fought with Navin!!! For the first time in my life! About how it really is love.
Ate the amazing est chocolate at the Windsor manor and I dono what it was called. (here I go again...)
Finished watching all the DVDs I bought on my b day - thats a lifetime record. (Sandy and reb come home and take them)
Ah din’t speak to a few people and din’t do a few things that I should have done.

All in all the only thing that really made the week special was a small conversation with someone I really really love (‘him’), a few things that were said unintentionally but made me smile nevertheless. :) Oh I so so so love him...

But hang on...wasn’t this week supposed to be the worst week I’ve had??? ;)

So irritated!

Its been like the worst day ever! I dono why but a lot of things.
1. I wanted to listen to 'Fix you' so so so badly but my damn phone had no memory space. I even deleted 'truly madly deeply' but still there wasn't any space! I hate my phone!
2. Th net was down the ENTIRE day, I mean the whole day!!! How do you work? I completed only two articles, I planned and planned all night to complete three! One more for tomorrow.
3. I was so hungry, but I din't go down. Not my fault! I sat with deeksha for a while (ten mins) and I got back and the boss thinks I was away for 45 mins!
4. The quark copy dispatch server chose to fall flat when I was 5 minss away from completing and sending my article! So the status was, I sent my article and the boss left! So the count is one article.
5. The person I don't want to meet comes to meet me!!!