so much to say, so less time

I tried and tried, but couldn't post anything all week. Not that I was super busy or din't have anything to write about but I just couldn't get in to the right frame of mind. Everytime I opened blogger and clicked on new post, the page obediently opened and the keyboard yearned for the touch of my fingers (I know thats super hilarious) but I couldn't put I just couldn't word everything well.
However, its a Saturday (again) and I've had loads to do (yea inspite of it being a weekend!!!) so I've been hell busy for the last three days...what with the damn fitness schedule, events, interviews and a lot of melodrama at office. Lots has changed since the last time I posted and probably everything is bound to change evenmore.

The biggest pain:
The biggest thing that happened was the argument with Becky. It pised me out totally. Haven't been so stressed out in the past month. It is the silliest thing we could have an argument on, something that she has to learn. I feel so stuck between both the relationships. Its not that I become a different person with both of them, I'm always myself they look at me differently. Its weird and stupid and the entire thing is totally psyching me out!
First: Being judgmental is bad, not that I am not. I'm as they call it 'goddess of generalizations' but jumping to conclusions without even knowing another person is bad. Idiotic, in other words.
Second: WE are 'supposed' to be mature people. And if you feel so bad about something as stupid as this, then atleast you shouldn't make it so obvious. I mean get a life people!!!
Third: I think this is the stupidest thing I've put up on my blog...Yes, it even beats the crappy things I've put up about my incomplete crushes/ infatuations/ love whatever!

Anyway moving on...

The next thing that happened this week was the Interview with Dr. Kalam. I received weird responses to this one. From "Who's APJ?" to "I'm so proud of you!" (No, that wasn't any family member. They just said "oh, ok!") It was a few friends and classmates.
He remembered and I'm just happy coz its the second time I did it and coz the happiness that my boss reflected when I told her about it was really good. I could sleep that night without having to worry about the work next day(not that I anyway do, but the guilt atleast gives me a reason to wake up every morning and get to work :P)

Next...

The 'moving on' is finally happening and the conscious reminders are helping. I've decided that it makes no sense (as he puts it) to "categorize all significant relationships as something romantic." I've been thinking and thinking about this and it actually makes sense. It is hard, really really tough and almost seems like I'm cheating myself, but somethings are never meant to be., and the article I did on break ups really helped. I only hope I can really get over him totally. It would be a lie to say that I'm not trying (as 'D' keeps saying) coz I'm really making the effort. Everytime something he said crosses my mind I always get myself busy and its really hurting , I cry and cry but I have to move on. And I hope the fitness thing helps.


Which brings me to the last thing that really made this week eventful...
Getting back to swimming
People at home think I'm just a loser and people at work think that I'm doing it to impress someone. Others think I'm jobless and some have even told me that I so can't do it. Generally the feedback I've received for this decision of mine has been negative. There were a few who called to say that this is the right time to get back and some others (Read: Coach) had a tear in their eye when I told them that. Its three days and I've had to pay for that one damn tear!
I mean 10 kms isn't a damn joke. I couldn't get up from the bed when I returned, it was only when my mom said that I could stay back and help her cook food and clean up my room that I got up to go to office! Torture!
Well Day one, I was FOUR hours late and since then I've had to run 10 kms.
Day two, running 5 kms and a lot of disgusting kind of exercises. The obscene-st of the lot were the crunches. When I was told I had to do them I was so happy that 5 kms were being reduced but shit these crunches are the worst things ever. I rather run 15 kms than do 10 crunches everyday. (A little exaggeration is allowed)
Day three: I couldn't be more dead! Shit! I hate hate hate doing crunches.
Day four is tomorrow. If I don't ever post anything after this, consider me dead and do send in your condolences (not that anyone cares)

Anyway this is it. Nothing else bloggable happened this week so I'm just going to end this post here.
OHH and I have to mention this, the song of the week: Yellow by cold play and Romeo and Juliet by Dire Straits, both proved good competition to the song that has won - 7 things I hate about you by Miley Cyrus. I loved this song, she's ok but the lyrics make a lot of sense. However, Dire Straits was the heights of romantic-ness ;)

I dono what to call it!

Apparently 21 years back I was born on this day, its this festival we have today (21 yrs back it was on 15th aug! Whateve!) where we are forced to eat only cold food! Well thats another reason I was named 'cold' or Sheetal. Only I'm just the opposite - I get angry very soon, I think people are mean and I get offended too often! Anyway otherwise I'm cool with a lot of things. Oh yea and I'll speak to people and be myself with them only if I like them! Anyway thats not the purpose of this post. Actually I dono the purpose of this post, I just got bored working on the articles and got bored eating cold food at work (when there's yum food downstairs) so I tot I'd visit my cute lil blog and write something!
Ok its a Saturday, end of the very long mixed week. I could safely tag this week as the worst I've had but for a few things that happened here and there.
I spoke to a few people I din’t imagine I’d speak to ever again in my life.
I went to Mc.Donald's with the biggest wannabe ever created.
I went to Mc.Donald's and DIN’T have a burger.
I drank the biggest hugest glass of coke which never got over. The after effects were terrible tho (esp riding back home with a full sac, Oh its bad)
I went to Mc.Donald's at 10:30 pm only to have a burger and spoke to deeksha about things that I’ve never spoken about. (was fun tho...)
I had the creamiest yummiest coffee ever. A barista special :)
(Why can I only talk about food!!!?)
And I spoke to him about a few things that I can’t imagine discussing with any other guy.
Fought with Navin!!! For the first time in my life! About how it really is love.
Ate the amazing est chocolate at the Windsor manor and I dono what it was called. (here I go again...)
Finished watching all the DVDs I bought on my b day - thats a lifetime record. (Sandy and reb come home and take them)
Ah din’t speak to a few people and din’t do a few things that I should have done.

All in all the only thing that really made the week special was a small conversation with someone I really really love (‘him’), a few things that were said unintentionally but made me smile nevertheless. :) Oh I so so so love him...

But hang on...wasn’t this week supposed to be the worst week I’ve had??? ;)

So irritated!

Its been like the worst day ever! I dono why but a lot of things.
1. I wanted to listen to 'Fix you' so so so badly but my damn phone had no memory space. I even deleted 'truly madly deeply' but still there wasn't any space! I hate my phone!
2. Th net was down the ENTIRE day, I mean the whole day!!! How do you work? I completed only two articles, I planned and planned all night to complete three! One more for tomorrow.
3. I was so hungry, but I din't go down. Not my fault! I sat with deeksha for a while (ten mins) and I got back and the boss thinks I was away for 45 mins!
4. The quark copy dispatch server chose to fall flat when I was 5 minss away from completing and sending my article! So the status was, I sent my article and the boss left! So the count is one article.
5. The person I don't want to meet comes to meet me!!!

it lingers on...

Its such a disgusting life, when you have to wait and wait! Everyone laughs around me and I give them a very lame smile. They are overjoyed about something, something that I don’t know and something that I don’t care about. I feel so bad about something, there’s this sinking feeling inside I don’t know why. Everyone is talking about someone, discussing her dress and the way she talks and what she writes..., I’m lost.

I hate this cycle, I mean I always get close to people and they ALWAYS leave me and go away...even if they don’t go, they are around but they don’t really bother. I hate it, Its always the same story, the same damn cycle. It starts, it happens and then I say and its all calm for a while, but then all of a sudden it vanishes, goes away, its all over, the loneliness hits me hard and it traps me. I’m gripped between the worst moments of my life... forever. And I’ll be trapped forever. I can’t get out, I’m trying and trying but I can’t get out.

And more QUESTIONS

Sometimes you are just so so irritated with so many things that you don’t notice the small tiny things that happen around you. On second thoughts, these things aren’t really small. In the busyness of your life, you don’t notice that you are drifting away from certain otherwise important relationships! Its sometimes good, when the person really doesn’t mean much to you but what if the person and you shared a good relationship before? What do you do then? Do you just let go, hoping that things will fall in place after a while OR do you make that effort to sort out things? Do you question yourself about why YOU make that effort and not him/ her? Is it possible for you to keep the ego apart and sort things out? Can you forget everything and move on? Is it possible to MOVE ON at all? But why should you move on when you like the person? Why do you always get carried away? Is it possible to love someone? Can you love someone and be loved too, is it possible? Why do people generally get bored? Why do people generally categorize you based on what you say and not on what you are?
Is it possible for me to stop questioning?

I hate this feelin

I hate this post-that state when u wait and wait and wait and nothin happens. Why don't people bother? Don't they bother about anythin? I mean it doesn make sense, its really really stupid!
its almost like its all over...over and will never come back, nothin will ever happen. I don't want to feel the pain, but I have to. I don't want to feel bad about it all, but its all just flooding my emotions. I hate this, hate this so much that I can't hold my tears now, I don't care who's looking and I don't bother answering when they question 'what happenend?' I don't want anyone around, why isn't it possible that I just close my eyes and everything around me just fades away? I want to stay alone
To stay away from everyone!
But now I want some answers, some very very precise and frank answers!
and I want the answers right from the horse's mouth. I mean there's a limit to everything
I'm going mad with those terrible dreams of her and him and her again! Its almost like the things Ron saw when he was supposed to kill the thing in the locket! I mean what the hell, why me!
I hate this phase and I want to get rid of this feeling.
Moreover, its all my fault I shouldn try and go back in time. She kept saying "let the past be PAST. don't try to do things that would ruin ur present!" and I kept retorting, "I love him."
But this is not fair at all! I hate this and I want a damn answer!!!

Everythin was fine, what happened now? why all this? I never asked for anythin? where did all that warmth go? how did it fade away just like that? Why this moving apart? why this separation? Why this withdrawing? Why the invisibility? Why the hide and seek? I hate hate hate this!!!

and it happened!

He asked, What is it that you want for your birthday?
She smiled...
Don't fear, just tell me...
She whispered, can you give me what Ginny gave Harry on his 17th birthday?
Can we make it a night to remember?
Can we sit here smiling at each other forever and ever?
Can you reflect the same warmth that I hold in my eyes?
Can we just sit here forever...?
He stood up
and turned,
He went away... to never return back.
He was gone... even before the dewy droplet left her eye...
He’d never return, never come back., never look back and see her sitting there waiting for him to turn.
She wanted to run, to shout out his name, to stop him, plead and tell him she won’t ask for anythin again. Maybe he’ll return... but maybe he won’t!
She din’t want anythin more than him, her world was shattered and tears rolled down her fair cheek. She wanted to forget him, wanted to get up and run away...run away to nowhere,
She wanted to cry and wail over her lost love... She couldn’t!
She just sat there and eternity dawned and she sat waiting for him to return, waiting for him to come back, waiting for him to come back and tell her its all a joke, waiting for him to promise that he’s always going to be there for her...
She waited thinking that the impossible might happen and he never came, he never turned to look back...how could he be so heartless?
is it wrong that she wants to love him?
is it wrong that she loved him more than anyone, anythin ever?
is it wrong that she had promised her life and death unto him?
is it wrong that she wanted to sit there waiting for him to return, take her in to his arms and kiss her like no one’s ever kissed her?
is it wrong that she waited while the tears kept rolling down?
She had no hope, no dream, no life left...she was dead!

can I...

Do stars listen to you?
Can you swing from one star to the other?
Is it possible for you to eat chocolate all day without feelin guilty?
Can you eat butterscotch icecream all day and still have cravings for more?
Can you go to juhu beach everyday and eat the yummmm chat and pav bhaji there?
Can you stop talking about food when you know that all you get for dinner is dal, rice, rasam and sometimes the yum papad?
Can you change the topic whenever you want to?
Can you have a ‘tropical iceberg’ or ‘iced eskimo’ everytime you go to coffee day?
Can you always pull his cheeks and tell him that he’s sooooo cute?
Can you stop thinkin about what he might feel if you say somethin?
Can you tell him how much you love him everytime he says ‘hello’ or goes away for dinner?
Can you stop thinkin about him while riding or while sleepin under your blanket or while ur alone or while ur eatin or while ur workin or while ur writin this?
Can you stop smiling thinkin about somethin sweet that he said?
Can you stop smiling thinkin about the sweet nothings that he said?
Can you stop smiling thinkin about the things he might say?
Can you smile back from the computer?
Can you stop blushin when someone mentions him?
Can you stop saying weird things when he speaks?
Can you stop drifting away purposely?
Can you jump and hop between the clouds and skip and dance on the moon?
Can you hug someone you love really really tightly and feel the person’s presence?
Can you always, between breaks or when your alone, repeat his name in the silence and see how it sounds?
Can you see, touch, feel and express love?
Can you please please once get a chance to express your feelings, to tell the person that its really really him, that you totally are in love with him and that you can’t stop thinking about him and probably stuff some chocolate in to his mouth so he can’t say somethin mean like ‘I can’t reciprocate your feelings’?
Can you say somethin funny that makes him smile?
Can you just make things work for yourself?
Can you just stop asking things and acting weird and thinkin about things that might not happen?
Can you please give up hope?
Can you please stop this?
Can you please eat a butterscotch icecream?
Can you please not smile and cry at the same time?

In lonely hours...

Last nite I was lying down, the night air brushing past my face from the open windows behind me. I stare at the starless sky, the moving clouds, the dark sky...somewhere above there he sits, he who has so many answers. What would I not give to spend some time with him, ask him so many questions about why I have to not know how it will all end... the phone rings, hope its him, please let it be him, please please...its not!!! Stupidness thrown at my face from the glowing damn phone.

Is duniya mein dost kam milenge,
Is duniya mein gam hi gam milenge,
Jaha duniya najar fer legi,
Us mode par tumhein ham milenge

What the fuck! AND this comes from this weirdo whom I haven spoken to since the past 10 years!!! do u get the irony?
Anyway so thats it, the phone goes below the pillow and the sky gazing continues...every night I noticce a new thing, a new realisation...that happens when I talk to him too, my mind says. shhh I say, thats it I've seen it...I'm trying to figure out what it exactly is.
The phone rings...I hope its him, shit atleast this time...please god please. The phone, shit I can't find it...damn NOT AGAIN. oh, its just her. so blah... I mean she thinks I'm in love...'blah' I reply...First mistake: Never say blah to someone who's trying to help.
The phone rings just the next minute, shit! I don't even wanna pray its him coz its not going to happen. Its a bomb the ranting continues...my eyes wander from the message.

Im looking for something, can't find it...oh stop - what am I looking for? I don't know.
Why? Why always? Everytime...Its not fair!
"Life never is!"
who's it?
"Its me...I'm right here you can't see me but I know...I always know."
Tell me, tell me please...give me the answers
"Oh you will know everything when the time comes..."
Shit she's reading my thoughts!!!
Tell me no...please u can't do this to me!
"haha...stop acting like a baby. and please get a life, stop asking about the same things always...he's bored now."
He's bored? Who's bored? Damn can't anyone EVER give me straight answers?
"God! He's bored with your silly questions, he sent me here to remind you that your wasting your time, get started on doing something worthwhile. My personal opinion - get a life and stop being an ass! I mean there are just so many others, why ask for someone who doesn't even bother about you."
shut up and leave me alone. Who asked you to give me your opinion?
"Ungrateful humans!!!"
watever, now jus go! I'd rather not have you give me ur nonsense.
"I'm supposed to stay with you...forever, to guide you and help you with your problems. He sent me, who wants to stay with a nasty little pig like you anyway. I mean look at your room...clothes, books, papers, cds, pens...yuck! And 'Ms.I-will-do-something' wants to change the world. Listen to me, the change starts hear, SETTLE YOUR ROOM FIRST, we'll think about the world later, hahaha."
Patience...keep quiet...avoid...don't bother...its all a dream...she's not here....she din't say that...SHIT she said that!!!
U DAMN BITCH! GET OUT, I DON'T CARE!!! I DON'T NEED YOU. I DON'T NEED ANYONE...I have a mother who yells about all that jazz anyway. JUST GO!!!
"whatever!!! Have a good sleep. oh I forgot, the pig doesn't feel sleepy nowadays, another problem I need to solve huh??? and she shouts like she doesn't need me... oh now she cries...awhhh my little nasty baby!!!"

Please please I hope she's gone...shit if she's around I'm going away...
"Empty threats again?"
I don't care, who are you?
"Me, well I'm...ah you can call me GOD, if you want."

Peace out

Friday night was really fun, what with three really good music events happening in the city and although I was assigned to cover just two of them, the third one was something interesting so I went and I wasn’t disappointed, still it was just OK - nothing fascinating...
Anyway so I leave office at around 8 pm walk down to Sphaira and am looking for the PR guy. Guess who I find there - JD with two of his other friends, weird thing I thought coz he isn’t a big metal person. Hmmm so the event wasn’t going to be boring after all. Anyway I did the interviews, the guys were all nice - who isn’t when your getting free publicity. Anyway so they were all decent, nice and excited about the event. (If there’s one thing that I love about interviews, it is this - the interviewee is always excited to tell me his/her story, to answer all my questions and wants to tell me all about his/her life. I love that! Talking to people, knowing them and listening to their stories/ideas/perceptions. Anyway so these guys were so energetic and excited that for a change I din’t blame myself for the animated discussions. It was good knowing all of them. They kept telling me about their kind of music and how they compose their tracks. I love talking to the guys who write the lyrics, its always nice to get to know the story behind all those songs that people are going to enjoy.
OK so here goes, Ston’d went first - good vox, but the band as a whole were just OK.
Next were Corrode - well, the band looked pretty decent. Good tracks. Brilliant Vocals, I actually loved the effect that this band created. Experience and exposure would do the trick for them.
Spitfire went next, they were too good. Their’s was the only performance that got me off my feet (OK yeah I was sitting) and got me headbanging (inspite of the ‘oh-you-are-a-journalist-and-are-reviewing-the-performances-so-you-can’t-enjoy’ briefings that I was given by...ah lets just say colleagues and friends). I loved Vibhas (Drums), he was mind-blowing!
Slain went next and the crowd loved them. Especially for the vocalist. Judah, nice guy - His ideas about the kind of music they write was what struck me really. Interesting young band, have a good crowd support and are sure to make it big someday.
OK this is where I made a mistake - JD and Bharath (JD’s friend, who hates metal and loves hip-hop and was here I dono why-must be the beer) dragged me to the place where the bands were playing - we were standing right in front of the damn speakers and by the time slain got done I was shocked that I still had that thing bulging off my neck!!!
That's it I was done at sphaira. Could take no more and so we left and although the guys wanted to accompany me to the other events I din’t tell them I’m going. It was already 10:45 by the time we left I think and so I couldn't listen to Gutslit but of what I hear, their idea of having programmed drums (from their ipod) was really appreciated by the crowd and although deathgrind doesn’t have like a big audience, they played some really good stuff apparently.
Next stop was Kosmo, not a big lover of the genre Barker plays yet it was good. Sat for a while, found some friends and was in no mood for the gossip they were showering me with so I left.
Well I’m saying nothing about the last event. Was dead by the time I got back home and woke up with the worst headache I’ve ever had. All worth it tho except the sleep part (4th day without sleep, isn’t really fun trust me!)

I have been thinking about this for a while now, I tried writing about it in my diary and I tried speaking about it - it just doesn’t happen anymore. I’m just so addicted, I have to put it up here I don’t know if this is something good or bad, but this is it. I’m addicted to blogging!!!
Anyway the thing I have to put up is this - I read this book sometime back by Advaitha Kala, ‘Almost Single’. Supposed to be this damn cool book about lives of 30 yr old single women.
Shit I’m depressed!
The book was really good, well-written, good understanding of the women’s mind, but I’m sad! The thought of a life like that is scary. I mean just imagine you are 30 and not married and have no clue why you are still alive. Wat a purposeless life! I mean at 30 I see myself living a perfect life. but ok whatever! Its time I made the list man...
There are so many things I want to do, but can’t coz of stupid reasons.

10 Things I want to do:
1. Learn the Arabian dance and Kathak
2. Learn to play the guitar.
3. Stay away from Mc.Donalds.
4. Complete writing my book.
5. Practice drumming and start saving up for the kit (wateva!!!)
6. Finish reading all the books on my shelf.
7. Finish all the tattoos on time.
8. Work hard on keeping my cool while in office.
9. To go shopping for b'day and generally. (NO TIME)
10.Wait till the right time comes - Things will (might) happen, Patience!

Well, these are the 10 stupid-est things that anyone can ever want (except the guitar part of it, Joey decided he wanted to learn the guitar when he was 30, so thats not stupid)!!!
Anyway I’m going to start working on the tattoos and the book from today but the guitar and the drums are a problem.
Guitar - Leo promised he’d teach me.
Drums - lets not talk about it, it hurts.
Dance - lets not think about it, it hurts evenmore.
Mc.Donalds - From today, I hate coke float and burger! (Shit I don’t believe this)
Patience - Well, not in my hands - although I don’t want to end up being Aisha, what a pain!
Reading - Well, I have insomnia I think. I don’t feel sleepy/ hungry nowadays. Its either love or depression. Can’t decide what! No its not anorexia/ bulimia! And reading, ah well ok will start something soon.